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Sighs

Not only do I almost throw out my right kneecap while saving myself from slipping down a stairwell, but I also find myself getting clipped in the shoulder by a car. I mean, what a wonderful night! Right?

It's even more wonderful to know that I was just so lost in the thought of you and I just... I don't even know. Trying to recall the moments before both incidents happen are a semi-blur. I just know what happened before and after.

The guy who clipped me was lucky I was in such a mood or else I would have taken a plate number and a name to report him in. The light was turning, sure, but I still had the right of way and it was an easy law suit... But I just didn't feel up to getting into a fight with someone over money.

Anyway... I've been depressed/angst these past days. Just... been so hungry to hear your voice again. I don't care how it sounds... Just to hear you and know that everything is fine. Talk to me about anything and everything.. Just to hear it soothes my soul and makes me leap in joy. I can't help the amazing euphoria you give me each time we talk and I just feel so burned out after a couple days like a addict without their vice.

It's getting worse as I try to keep myself leveled and calm, but I just burst out in frustration and anger at anyone causing the aggression that would normally never flip my switches. My streaming has suffered in it because I just can't seem to focus long enough without feeling angry at everything/everyone and just going offline to cool down before I rage. Maybe it's just part of me that... wants to have you back as the co-host of the show again... Have after-dark sessions again or just talk about the most random things.

Then there are these 'red flashes' as I call them. Just... whenever I think of that p***k who used you... Or anyone else just hurting you after me... Just ignites this flame in my chest that scolds my heart and lungs, making it so hard to breath normally. Finding myself scaring passengers on the train with those red flashes... I never felt so angry before. I... I don't want anyone else trying to be there for you (I'm grateful that there are some that are helping, don't get me wrong), I want to be that one finally... Just ONCE be the one who can drive to your house, kick down your door and hug the s**t outta your problems with food and ice cream.

Sighs deeply

But I'll make it. I have to. I always make it... But just because we make it, doesn't always mean we make it with flying colors. Just because it will be okay, doesn't mean it's alright right now.