Do you really think I've been ignoring you or the issue? You probably think I'm just a cold hearted selfish b***h and that's fine, its true I wanted the best for me. The truth is I had been thinking of breaking up with you for years but I was to scared to leave.
In high school I might not have looked like it but I was looking for some one to have a relationship with. Just gotten out of a huge depression of being alone and harassed for how I looked and I had found people like me, it felt perfect.
You were so cool and liked tons of the same stuff I did. I was so happy when Williams introduced us. When you first held my hand and didn't freak out because I had cooties or my hand was different I felt like I was going to die. You made me so happy you made me want to share more of myself with you, that I would never do with any friend. Even though we had a rocky start with my mom I still wanted to be near you all the time. You were more than my friend, you were precious to me and always on my mind. I desperately wanted to share the rest of my life with you. To the point where if you did something that hurt or bothered me I would brush it off because it was you. I immediately came to you for support when you were having existential crisis despite the repercussions I would have to face when I got home for violating being grounded. I would lie to my mom just to see you at the bookstore you were everything to me.
If you think breaking up was easy that would be false. I loved you and now I am loosing another part of me.
Why do you think I cried so hard when you said you didn't feel the same? That you never wanted a relationship. I felt unwanted again. Thats when I knew that even if it changed, and you were willing to be with me, I would only be as a friend. Now that you know a lot of my deep secrets even that is going to be difficult for me.
I would have to consider being alone again but what was I going to do? I had just moved in with you and I wasn't welcome with mom. Why do you think I was so eager to move to the apartment? It was a true test of friendship for everyone and brought out the worse in people. Now that relationships have been repaired and I am in hemet now would be the most opportune time to go. I don't have to be reminded how broken I feel every time I see you.
Slowly just being around you wasn't enough to keep horrible feelings away.I had such extreme emotions over you. I need to be believed, to even be recognized as another human. I wanted your approval so badly. The way you would talk to me its like you think I don't know anything. After opening myself to you and my history you started being guarded with me. Making me swear honesty after I told you I was a liar growing up. At the apartment you said you cared for me but would spend all night on Lol without consideration if I could sleep for work. You thought I was stupid for mentioning school. If I had had a rough day I couldn't come to you for support because you didn't want to be touched. If I wanted to play with you say a white lie to pull a prank you would immediately become defensive and bring up horrible things to make me cry. I have shed countless unseen tears over you. I started hating you because you fed my anxiety and depression instead of being supportive and caring.
So I am here. If someone else loves me the way I loved you then that is how it will be, however unlikely. I don't think I will love anyone else like I loved you because for now I still do, hopefully time will fix that and I won't even think about you. I don't want anyone to make me feel horrible any more, I'm done.
Documented for posterity,
Merpoi
 Merpoi · Fri Dec 16, 2016 @ 12:44pm · 0 Comments |
