Like.. humans loving sugar, craving sugar; isn't it because it was so rare back in old old days but still necessary, a bit? Idk I read that ONCE.
We're here today to complain about the self preservation thing. What makes it so hard to off one's self, to let one's self die. Ew. Why. It is very outdated surely.. no it's not, am making s**t up; life has always been hard and really hard work for a much shorter lifespan wasn't very long ago even for generations now living in super modern and convenient places. So it's not archaic, we've learned this since beginning to type. It is helpful. If you want to live. Which most people do, that seems real real fair to say.
And so... it's real real fair that dying because you want to should be hard. Hard... is it the hardest... how long have I been here. It's not been consecutive, don't be dramatic. Let's see. We'll say 12-14. Then a hot minute and.. another? Maybe, so we'll say a hot minute and a half, though am really not sure. Then plus not even 1. So it's very little, the time where I've wanted to die clearly, daily. However, the other times..
Just struggle.. Not it was times of nothing but struggle; I mean, it was nothing worse than struggle. Waiting.. Trying to be productive while waiting.. I'm still waiting, for you know, myself to be supportive, capable.. but we grow and am musing musing, I've become this person.. It's not great.. But one should love one's self. Of course that's hard, being realistic, one is not that great, why should one love one's self.. We try anyway... That, you know.
Most recently, it's just like, how long must this go on.mp3 Am young right, super privileged- too privileged, that problem; first major injury ******** me up so much harder than it should perhaps, because am unused to it, am embarrassed and pissed and into how weak I am when I've always wanted to be strong. With knows of privilege, I understand the headspace I should be in, am not really in, but it's hard, I get that. And back to for how long.. Nothing accomplished, nothing..
What are we trying to accomplish anyway? that question.. If we could stop waiting.. old dreams.. Or new dreams, what would those be... to help? fix? Empathy and snobbery? girls, peace, love, boys if you're into that. Ahh does my empathy exceed my apathy? Had very much in passing been thinking those can't exist together but nah of course they can and they're balancing, of coursee.
To even fantasize about making a decision to kill myself, we know how hard it iss.. All the strings. And other possibilities. Reality which is waiting immediately for me, always an option, to live, unless it isn't but if it isn't then it can't be helped, can't be worried about (though a nice fantasy.) Have the years since 12 all been like this, wanting to but not doing it? Probably not but maybe, idk. And anyway, that's basic, if it's so. Everyone is living having not killed themselves.
What do you wish.. For ease... It's all sloth... I'm a person like this...
Old resentment of genes... is a memory. No resentment burning now, just wanted to mention.. Such things should be able to be overcome, if I felt the need...? Or maybe not even, idk. It's not an issue am bothered about..
Putting off and ignoring, isn't this it.. humanity.. Of course not. Who are these superhumans, helping other humans.. Go watch a TED Talk maybe. Oh but we don't believe in, that's not the term but Idk what it is not believe but embrace personally practice, motivation from others, inspiration. No s**t you're like this, insisting on doing everything alone. and you knew.. You promised if you hated it, if you failed, to accept the unhappiness or lack of contentment, something like that.. And if you couldn't, the you of that time at least would.. ah I remember, she'd be fine with the bad feels Idk words. It's deserved because you failed.
If failing is only giving up, though, then we haven't yet, because we're still alive. Oh but it's becoming understood by everyone that suicide isn't giving up? Could living like this also be.. But living provides the possibility of it really getting better. So there's no conviction even.. I'm into conviction.. Idk any good reasons not to be.. It goes hand in hand with flexibility, don't start i got it
(Insert comment. Using "we" instead of "I" is ofc done for comfort, but we just realized it's also nice because of one is all, all is me, that. Nice nice nice nice)
In conclusion.. and we're concluding because have gotten tired of this probably, I didn't make any decisions from this... so that is a definitive fail. Going to keep trying to live while dreaming of death, wow lame.
Keeping scratched title and as-we-go writing style for one example of authenticity, how we've been writing like everything for years. Will endeavor to make journal prettier in the future maybe
We played Fall in Lovelyz while writing this
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Thought Doodles, Analyzations, Observations, Training
I'll work today...to rise up tomorrow. So that yesterday will be something I can be proud of! And it's not a loop. It's a schedule. Eat THAT.
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