I have lived my life in comfort better than most peoples, never feeling like i truly deserved any of it and now it seems more so than ever; but no matter how I try to get myself to a position where I can finally pay back the people I owe my life of comfort to- it seems the world wants to deny me that satisfaction. I find any and every confidence I had slipping away one by one. My conscience ways heavily with the dread that I am becoming everything i hate while the world turns freely and there are people who get what I want most and CHOOSE to throw it away and live off the good will or pity of others...
The anger and sorrow and pure rage coupled with this sense of hopelessness sends me into moments of deep thought often bordering on insanity but there are people who still care for me against whatever odds. I want to find a way to make them proud of me i want to crawl out of this weight of guilt and get back to where I was when i was living by my own means where i can smile and say i'm doing something for a living but as it stands, no one wants me no one needs me and here i sit watching waiting wondering why. Why is there no place for me, didn't I do everything I was told to? everything i was supposed to? my life feels as if it's falling out of my control and to be honest it is. If people suddenly stopped caring about me as I am now I would be dead. I know this, this is a fact to me.
There was a time I had everything i wanted a job a purpose a way to show my gratitude to the people who care for me but here i am, i just wish i could get an ounce of that dignity back. I wasn't fired I had to let go by a ridiculous clause imposed by the lack of funds to the organization i was a part of no one wanted to see me go and even with their support of me toward any place i apply to still nothing... yet left and right lethargic people with no appreciation of the gift they have in having a job get hired, is that it have i just not given up on life enough to become a cog in the machine that is post grad employment? This i think is what messes with me the most... that people who will inevitably quit get hired, people with outstanding questionable history get hired, people with no sense of purpose or regard for others get hired and yet here i stand putting myself forward with nothing to show for it. Am I that bad? am I that unwanted? is there something wrong with me? I want to get back to a place where i don't think that every day. i want to get back to feeling productive whatever that means; doing something even if it's what someone else would consider beneath what i should be doing, i just want to feel like i have a reason to exists like i'm not just waiting for everyone to forget about me and die quietly in a corner... I have another chance let's see how it goes. 'v'
I smile on the outside not for my benefit but for the people around me so that maybe their lives will be a little better for having me in it. Personally i feel like garbage, and i just don't want anyone to feel that way about themselves.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uq-gYOrU8bA
View User's Journal
Mimikai's Journal
???
 |
