Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

<br> Don't let your brain wonder, it's waaaaay too small to be out on its own.

Smile, the world will smile with you. Laugh, and they'll think you're on drugs.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home . . . even if you wish they werent.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Humor is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Please don't upset me. I'm running out of room to hide the bodies.

When you cry, I cry. When you laugh, I laugh. When you jump off a bridge . . . I laugh harder.

Scientists say 1 out of 4 people are mentally challenged. Check 3 friends. If they're o.k. then you're it.

"I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that the genius has its limits.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when no one's around.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

You know the speed of light. So what's the speed of dark?

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening." Then they proceed to tell you why it isn't.

A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

If I can't trust myself, than it would be a lot harder to trust those I want to trust.

You say you read me like an open book, but the pages are all torn and frayed.

Don't try to take on a new personality; it doesn't work.

I see dead people, I see gay people, I see smart people, I see dumb people. I see skinny people, I see beastly people, I see short people, I see tall people. I see you . . . AND I DON'T LIKE WHAT I SEE!

The other day, in the park, I was wondering why frisbees look bigger and bigger as they get closer to you, and then it hit me

I Still Miss My Ex-BoyfriendBut My Aim Is Improving

'I heard it hurt falling from heaven so I rose from hell'

"I love him yes i do he's for me and not for you but if by chance you take my place i'll take my fist and smash your face!"

Heaven won’t have me and Hell’s afraid I’ll take over

Preps go to hell, Losers go to heaven, Punks don’t die, they just multiply

Before you mock a man, first walk a mile in his shoes. Then when you mock him, when you're a mile away and you have his shoes!

Love me, feed me, never leave me

Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run

The early bird catches the worm... On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten...

Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!

Silence is golden... But shouting is fun!

Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I do not suffer from insanity! I enjoy it thoroughly!

Help! I've fallen and... Hey, nice carpet...

The man to laugh last, must think the slowest.

You aren't drunk until you have to grab the grass to keep from falling off the earth.

Don't drink and drive... If you hit a bump, then you might spill your drink.

It doesn't matter if the glass is half full or half empty... drink it and get on with your life.

If the shoe fits, wear it. If it doesn't, go buy some new shoes.

One night I was lying on my bed, looking at the stars, then I thought... where the hell is my roof?

A good friend will bail you out of jail. Your best friend will be sitting next to you in the cell saying 'That was freaking awesome!'

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

A clear conscious is usually a sign of a bad memory.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Why doesn't mom trust me with sharp objects and fire?

I knew I was a nut when the squirrels started to stare at me.

A friend is someone who will help you up, when you fall flat on your face... a best friend is someone who will laugh at you and was the one who made you fall in the first place."

"Dont ask what you can do for you your community" ask "Why am I signing up for community service in the first place

Anything and everything is legal... until you get caught.

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye

There is a light at the end of every tunnel...just pray to God it's not a train.

You laugh at me because I'm strange. I laugh at you because you're stupid!

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. It's just that yours is stupid.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

I have not failed, I have just found ten thousand ways that don't work

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.

You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same

STRESS: A condition brought on by overriding the body’s desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it.

Bacon and eggs: a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for the pig.

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift... That's why it's called the present.

Cats are smarter than dogs... You won't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.

Don't take life too seriously- it's not like you're getting out alive!

Nothing would ever get done if it weren't for the last minute.

Dogs come when called. Cats take a message and get back to you later.

When I saw your book, I started laughing. Someday I intend to read it.

Nine out of ten of the voices in my head agree that I am sane.

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me!

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

I try to take life one day at a time, but lately several days have attacked me at once.

If an enemy is in range, so are you.

As long as there is a test, there will be prayers in school.

You think you live on the edge? I fell off a long time ago.

We once thought that a million monkeys on a million typewriters would one day copy the works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the Internet, we now know that we were mistaken.

I'll be nicer, when you get smarter.

I'll be nicer, when you get smarter, which means I’ll never be nice.

I am NOT a dog!- Inuyasha

I'm not closed-minded; you’re just WRONG!

I'm not anti-social- I just don't like you!

I know the rules, they just don't apply to me.

If at first you don't succeed, don’t try again `cause u probably wont get it…..

Blessed are we who can laugh at ourselves for we shall never cease to be amused.

Eagles may soar but weasels never get sucked into jet engines...

Most bad plans in the universe involve cross dressing.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

When life gives you lemons, find an annoying kid with paper cuts.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be misquoted and used against you.

Seeing ourselves as others see us won't do much good, because most of us won't believe what we see

It's better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

I've always thought the easiest way to get in trouble is to be right at the wrong time.

Middle age is when you get out of the shower and are glad that the mirror is all fogged up.

There is no one with endurance like one who sells insurance.

The person who can smile when something goes wrong has probably thought of someone to blame it on.

Nowadays a man is given a raise in order to enable him to live the way he is already living.

Conscience is the little voice that tells you when you're going to get caught.

Adult education will continue as long as children are asked to do homework.

God must love stupid people...he made so many!

Judge me all you want. Just keep the verdict to yourself!

In theory, everything works.

The world is coming to an end. Please log off.

Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.

I just love nonverbal communication!

Who died and made YOU Darth Vader?

Mirrors can’t talk. And lucky for you they don’t laugh.

DARE to keep cops off doughnuts.

Before giving someone a piece of mind be sure you have enough to spare!

Don't criticize my mess unless you'd like to become part of it.

I have a mind like a steel trap; it is rusty and illegal in 47 states.

A good essay is 10 % inspiration, 15% perspiration, and 75% desperation.

It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!

I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight.

There's nothing wrong with being a loser, it just depends on how good you are at it.

Thank-you for visiting reality, come again... Now entering your life, welcome.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error

Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!

The next person who says, "Its all good!" gets a good slap!

Lets not do lunch. Ever.

What have you done for me lately?

My mother says I'm perfect. Mothers are always right.

Life is a test. Thank you for bringing down the curve.

Do I look as dumb as you sound?

Life is a journey. Go on without me.

I'm lost, but I'm making good time!

They say I have ADD, but they just don't understand. Oh look! A chicken!

Ask not for whom the dog barks. It barketh for thee.

Who are you and why are you reading my shirt?

Dragon parking only. All others will be toast.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I finally figured out who let the dogs out, but no one cares anymore.

I've stopped listening. Why haven't you stopped talking?

Remember, only dead fish go with the flow...

Illiterate? Write For Help

Heart Attacks... God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends


If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the Kitchen.

Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.

Do not start with me… You will NOT win!

You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up!

All stressed out and no one to choke.

Just be happy I'm not a twin.

Don't worry. I forgot your name too.

I'm not tense. Just terribly, terribly alert.

Game over. I win.

Did you notice the wild laughter behind you?

I'm a Realist and you're really ticking me off.

Life can be annoying, especially with you around.

Enough about me. What do you think about me?

I didn't say you were stupid. I was just thinking it.

Do I LOOK like I'm interested?

Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

Do you know the muffin man?

I don't know what you're problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Yes, it IS always about me.

The Queen is not amused.

Please, don't clean up my mess. You'll confuse me and screw up my world.

You can either agree with me or be wrong!

Not Perfect (but so close it scares me)

I'm only wearing black until they make something darker

Here's a hint-I DON'T CARE!

Some days you're the bug, other days you're the windshield.

I have no issues, but I've got serious problems. You.

I have multiple personalities and none of them like you.

I'm sorry, but I don't know any words small enough for you to understand

Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize that you haven't gone to sleep yet.

I'll declaw my cat when you detongue your mouth

Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble-wrap is cheap. You choose.

Yet, despite the look on my face, you're still talking.

Witch parking only! All others will be toad!

Don't make me get the flying monkeys!

Work for God. The retirement benefits are great.

I can't hear you. I've got a banana in my ear.

Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!

Kids-the gift that keep on taking

I can fix anything! Where's the Duct Tape?

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

You'll always be my best friend! (you know too much)

There are only 3 kinds of people in this world: Those who can count, and those who can’t.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Actually, yes, the world DOES revolve around me.

Now I lay me down to rest,
A pile of books upon my chest,
And should I die before I wake,
That's one less test I'll have to take.

You'd better watch yourself, or you'll be in deep yogurt, sinking fast.

I would like to speak with whoever is in control of my life and suggest some improvements!

My reality check bounced.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

WHOA! The circus went that way! --->

I don't want to achieve immortality in my work, I want to achieve it through not dying.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can rent it.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound as they go by.

If you come to a fork in the road, pick it up.

I may have faults, but being wrong ain't one of em!

I used to care, but now I take a pill for that.

I don't need your attitude, I have one of my own!

A word to the wise isn't necessary-its the stupid ones who need the advice.

Life is a journey I don’t have a map for.

Don’t follow me, I don’t know where I’m going

Small minds are easily amused

Don’t follow in my footsteps, I walk into walls. ouch

Lord, if I must have my just desserts, let mine be chocolate.

MY voices can beat up YOUR voices

Death is life’s way of telling you you’re fired

“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” – Isaac Asimov

“Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate” – Thomas Jones

He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, dead.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t. (Unless you’re Kenshin_)

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

“The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.”-

Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. -anonymous vampire

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are made for.

Education is what you get from reading the fine print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.

I am working hard… Or am I hardly working?

Doing a job right the first time gets the job done. Doing the job wrong fourteen times gives you job security.

"When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it."

I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.

Of course you found it in the last place you looked. If you hadn't found it you'd still be looking.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It is bad luck to be superstitious. –Andrew W. Mathis

It’s only funny till someone gets hurt. Then it’s hilarious.”

If you scream in a library, everyone looks at you funny. If you scream in an airplane, everybody joins in.

We all live in a yellow submarine! We hate the stupid thing! We want to paint it green!

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man stupid and blind in the eyes. (If anyone cares to explain this one to me, please email me...).

What's the color of the sky in your world?

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, "Let there be Light." And there was still nothing, but you could see it better.

I had a pet rock! ...but last week it died

“Ever had one of those days where you just want to hit something?”

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.

I was standing in the park one day, wondering why Frisbee's got bigger as they got closer. Then it hit me.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I'm pressing the Ctrl key... So why am I not in control?

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you... It's worse than you think! They ARE out to get you!

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped toast to the back of a cat and dropped it?

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I'm schizophrenic,
And I am, too!

I'm not smiling at you, I'm trying not to laugh!

Before you decide to live by the early bird policy, make sure that you are the bird and not the worm.

The early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Smoking can really kill a person... (Insert name here) should try it some day!

Hi, I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message, and if I don't call back it's you.

Organized people are just too lazy to look for things...

One by one the penguins are stealing my sanity.

Anime addict- drugs would be cheaper

God made men first because every great artist does a sloppy-copy before his masterpiece.

Don't like the way I drive? Then get off the sidewalk!

He only opened his mouth to change feet.

If you can convince me that I care then I'll pay for you to become a salesman.

A decent pen:2.99
Package of lined paper: .99
Knowing you have homework and "forgetting" about it: Priceless

Popularity is such a social disease.

I'm not weird, I'm gifted.

Away message- Don't worry, I don't know where I am either!

If brains worked in circles, mine would work in squares.

“In order to learn the law, you have to pretend that it actually applies.” – Prof. Grunning

“The test of a first rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.”