A strange thing, these 'feelings'. You can't feel them, not like the touch of someone else's hands or the wind on your face. Yet they can still hurt. Sometimes they can hurt so bad it kills. I've heard of people dying of a broken heart. They just lose all will to live and their insides just stop or they starve to death. I myself have gotten very sick because of these feelings. I'm almost afraid for myself. If I don't force food down my throat, no matter how disgusted it makes me, I could die. It's not extremely dangerous at the moment, but it is close.
He has done this to me. He doesn't even know what He feels. First He tells me he loves me, then we haven't got enough in common, then He says I'm perfect and that He doesn't deserve to have me, then he says we are two different people. He wanted me to be just like his mother. It's like He has never been around anyone else but her. It frightens me a little. To me it seems like he is borderline Oedipus Syndrome. My mother and I have never gotten along too great, but I do love her like a daughter should love her mother. The difference between us is that I don't agree with everything my mom says and does. He blindly follows along with his mother and says what He feels she expects him to say, as if He has no free will of his own. I got so tired of having my actions justified by her opinions.
I told him I wanted nothing more to do with him. It was hard to say, I admit, but I said it because I needed to. He said that I didn't know him as well as He felt I should, because if I did I would know that he is always willing to listen. That is a lie. If it wasn't a lie, then how would He explain the fact that he's been hiding behind her because He knows I have been hurt by him? He tried to run away, but I told him it would be the last time He ever had to listen to or even look at me, so he stayed and listened.
He told me I was wrong to worry for him and his family. How can that be so? If you truely care for someone, you should worry for them and you should be willing to throw yourself on the line for them. I didn't care what happened to me, I just wanted to protect them. I mean not to say that they are incapable of protecting themselves, just that I felt that this was my problem that had been brought on them. It was my mother, and I had to be the one to fix the mess she was making. Also, I was worried about my mom too.
Something He said yesterday morning made me realize that. I do know him and I know his temper and how much of a coward He is. When threatened He cannot stand his own with out a weapon. He told me I was lucky that he had kept his head, because his first thought was to grab a knife and "cut your mom to pieces". I could've beat the s**t out of him right there. How dare He think his mother is holy no matter what she did and even think of doing something like that to my mother. I understand that what my mother did was wrong. She beat the s**t out of me too. I refused to speak to her for a long time after that and when I did I told her I hated her and that I would move in with my dad. He has every right to be mad at my mom, but how can he think its OK to take it out on me? Anyway, if He had managed to grab a knife, He would've only managed to stab me. Did He think I would just stand there and let him try to kill my mom?
I worry for my friends too. One of them has lost her boyfriend too, but it wasn't as messy. I hope she can get over him quickly. Her guy doesn't deserve to have her caring about him. He isn't good enough, just like my EX.
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My brain makes words.
If I need to talk but have no one to talk to or I feel I need to write through my problems, it goes here. I do not use names. If I do, it's because I either have no respect for the person, or I accidentally slipped.
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