So much for keeping it short....Demo... Leia-sis this is for you. Reflections and confessions. When I was younger....I didn't realize how horrible I was. Of course...I'll look back in a few years and say the same thing about myself now. I'm amazed I had friends. I was so used to lashing out. Fighting people who wanted to hurt me and remake me in the image of themselves that it just carried over to those I thought of as friends. I was bossy and tried to control them. And that...that was not nice. So when I moved... I met this wonderful person. And I was scared of driving her off. I was so scared I'd lose her. I'd run through the day after every time I saw her. Trying to figure out if I had done the right things. If I had said something mean to her or anyone she placed highly. I couldn't quite grasp...That she wasn't going to run off.
There's been times... that clarity has struck. I'm still in awe of them. One time...we were at a Girl Scouts event in the park and she chose to partner with someone else. I was frantic and didn't know what to do. Had I offended her? Was I being bossy again? There wasn't anyone else in the troop that I knew well enought to partner with. I was scared and very uncertain. The last event of the day was carving soap. Even if she wasn't my partner I still carved soemthing for her. A cresent moon. And then...she came over and gave me the soap she carved for me. I was so young....still so used to being thrown away. I didn't know that I could trust her.
We only had a year together before she moved away. I hated it. I was back to being alone. Somehow...somehow we managed to keep in touch. I remember talking to her about her new school. She hated it that first year. I was...very horrible... I didn't like seeing her unhappy, but at the same point...I was glad she hadn't found a friend to replace me. I was thirteen, and thought I was so mature... Compared to others my age maybe I was. But I was still and insecure kid about the things that were most important to me.
Time passed. And she was still my friend.. I was terrified the first time I went to visit her after she moved. Absolutely petrified. I wasn't sure if she was still really my friend or not. If there was still that closeness. But... She hugged me when she saw me and I knew everything was allright.
Maybe that was the turning point. I don't know. Unlike roleplays... life isn't quite so clear. We don't know what we're doing. It doesn't matter too much. I've grown. Not enough, I'm still jealous and possesive. I'm still bossy at times. But...I've grown some. I know I can trust her. I know she'll always be there. My demons may say no.. but she's always managed to beat them so far!
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Tower's End
To the ends of time, the tower stands a lone sentinel watching over us. Nothing can change it and nothing can make it stay the same. It waits forever poised between Order and Chaos, Light and Dark, and I am it's guardian.
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