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Pain is an interesting thing, would you cut yourself if you were depressed? I don't think I would, I hate pain...but sometimes...when you're sad enough...you have a numbness that takes over...the numbness of unwantedness...or hatefullness...or any other numbness...and you begin to bleed before you know what you're doing. You think that that'll fix a problem that you have, or that suicide is the answer, then you actually do what you wanted to do all along. When you're home alone, or you're thinking in your room, or even when you're doing things that shout out basically HEY, I NEED ATTENTION and people ignore you. Whenever you like somebody and they have no feelings for you whatsoever, or you have no friends, or you're just confused. When all of the bad things in the world happen, you'd rather feel pain then nothing at all because when you feel the pain of the razor, knife, or any other thing, whatever it is you do, you don't feel empty. You think, hey, I'm gonna get attention, I'm gonna get what I long for, I'm gonna be loved, then it all comes crashing down around you. When this happens it's as if you're bieng killed slowly on the inside by whoever's around you. You start to think, am I really hated that much, does nobody care about me anymore, do they know what I'm going through? I'm here to say that I know about these feelings, I know about these emotions, the loneliness, the unwantedness, the hatefullness, the anger and agony and confusion, it's like going on a broken down rollercoaster, you're never really to sure about whether or not you're going to come off of it alive...you're never really sure if you'll be safe in the future or if you're going to die. It's like bieng suffocated, the pain slowly takes you over and you can't stop it anymore. Does anybody else understand you, do they know how to help, do you stay quiet? Do you try to be optimistic but it doesn't work? I know what that's like as well, but we need to continue life because if we don't then things will get worse. I suppose that there is much that we can look forward to, but for now I am looking forward to the pain, because I'd rather feel pain then nothing at all...I hate that numb feeling that controls me much of the time and I don't want that feeling to ever control me forever.
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