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So I finished Heart of Darkness on Friday. I was hoping to have finished it sooner, because I have to write a paper on a literary criticism of it by English class tomorrow, but it all worked out okay in the end. Granted, I haven't written the paper yet, but I have a few hours before class on Monday after my normal school. Anywho, I was also supposed to finish it because I told myself I wouldn't read any other book until it was done. Of course I went and read the last two in the Dresden files that I had first, but I don't own the sixth one yet and I didn't have any spare money to buy it, so nothing was around to distract me.

I'm not going to talk about Heart of Darkness. Mostly because I would like to read it a second time to go over the points again before I take any side on it. I hear it's a good book, one of my English teacher friends really likes it. I know it's good writing, but I didn't really care for it. I didn't not like it, I just didn't think it was great. Of course it's good, most books don't become classics when they're not, but it didn't really appeal to me. Maybe after reading it again that will change.

Now, the good news is that I was waiting to finish it to start The Scarlet Pimpernel. Now I can! <(^_^< wink (>^_^)><(^_^< wink (>^_^)><(^_^< wink (>^_^)> (it's a happy dance.) I saw the movie made in the 80s about that book, and it was great. Supposedly the book is very good, too, but very different from the movie. That's fine, I don't mind. I'm rather looking forward to it. My friend Amy who's lending me the book said that it was different enough that you're still wondering how it ends even if you've seen the movie before. I recomend everyone sees that movie though. Be careful, there are several different movies based off the book, and not all of them are good. Actually, that's hearsay. I've had friends who have seen some and read a few reviews. Acording to other people they're not all that good. But everyone I know who's seen the one I have loved it.

What else? I want to take a day off. I have so much to do. I have to do homework and read books and work on scholorships and deal with family, and I ever get the time maybe seriously straiten up the kitchen. That's actually an easy one, but I just haven't gotten to it. I'd rather be down here doing my nightly hour and a half online, where I don't do much. I'm working on fixing that, but I haven't come up with a way yet.

I had my senior pictures on Wednesday. I have no idea how they turned out, but I had been watching what I ate for awhile before hand. I'm stupid and am worried about being skinny when I really am not fat. I'm not stick thin, but not fat. But I wanted to look skinny because, again, I'm stupid like that. Anywho, so after pictures I went to English, and then I came home, and then I ate a lot. Because it was like my celebration for getting them done and now I can eat again. I haven't had time to work out last week, and the week before I was on my period and didn't feel much like swimming, so I'm worried about that, because water polo starts SOON. So next week I'll go swimming. *Sighs* if I have time tomorrow night I hope. I just have a lot to do.

I didn't talk about Zach's birthday party, did I? Not this last Friday but the one before that I went to Zach's B-day party. Um, he was a friend of mine in junior high, but more of a friend of a friend. Ian's friend, actually. But yeah. I was there and I didn't talk to Zach that much, I mostly just hung out with everyone. There was a lot of people there. Like over twenty by the time I left. And a lot of these people I knew from junior high. Not to mention they're more like Ian's crowd of people, and I don't hang out with that sort too much. It was really nice, though. Really, really nice. Like I could just hang out, play pool, chat with strangers, watch guys play on the x-box, and it was fun. I don't remember the last time I enjoyed myself so much. And I wasn't even really doing much. I just felt comfortable.

In comparison that night I went up to Seatle to see the School Yard Hero concert at the Vera Project with my friend Maude, and her friends Austin and Mikki. Honestly, I didn't have much fun. I really didn't. Almost the whole night I wished I had stayed at the party. I know that after a while longer there I would have gotten bored, but I could have found ways to amuse myself. At the concert... I was bored, and grumpy, and generally not very happyish. I had a lot of things on my mind, and instead of the mosh pit helping to distract me it actually brought them into clearer focus. The whole point of going up there for me was to try to get serious distracted and not have to think about all the crap I just want out of my head. But it didn't work. And it's pissing me off. None of my old tricks to distract myself are working. But that's not the point. the point is I just didn't have fun. I wish I could go back in time and drag Maude off to Zach's party. We could hang out with some of my old friends and I could introduce her to some other people. Granted her x-boyfriend Alex was there, but other than that.

Oh, Scott was there, too. Which didn't really surprize me. I didn't expect it, but it didn't surprize me. I mean everyone else was there, so why shouldn't he show? But yeah, I hadn't talked to him for a long time, and we didn't really talk then either. I think if I'd stayed the extra few hours I would have ended up having some type of conversation with him. If for no other reason it would be because I was either being polite or bored. But that's only mentionable because he posted a comment on my last post that just cracked me up. I'm not sure why, it's an inside joke and all that, and it didn't actually go with the journal entry, but I found it very funny. *shrugs* Just thought I'd mention it.

We're doing a pull out for the school newspaper because we're going to a compition with this issue. The topic is stress. When we were brain storming story ideas someone pointed out that it is not good to deal with stress. Coping with stress does not help. In the long one it just hurts you. And I'm sitting there thinking "Hell yes it does!" because I'm at the point where I can't really deal with it. I've been coping with things for so long, just pushing them off and trying to work around them, that it just doesn't work. I can't push it off. I can't run off somewhere and escape from my problems. They're right in my face and they won't go away. I can't make them go away. And it's... troubleing.

I'm having problems sleeping. Most nights I only get about 5 to 6 hours because I can't fall asleep until one or two. And then it's normally with some sort of sleep aid. Today I got home from doing an inventory and after chatting with Ian for awhile I was able to take a nap. Thank god! I wasn't able to get to bed until two thirty, and then I had to go to work! OMG that sucked. And I was doing inventories, where all we do is count numbers! For hours! Granted, I got to work with typing things into the computer today. And I like using the number key pad, because I'm weird, and I found that part to be really fun, sort of. So it wasn't all bad. But waking up was a pain. And I kept getting people asking me "how're you?" and family saying "are you being grumpy?" and my mom asked a few times "are you okay?" I just smiled at the last one. Am I okay? Hell no. Hell ******** no. Can I live with it? Of course I can. It beats the alternative. But all of these problems that are invading my every thought like to be brought up at night. And I sit there in bed thinking about them, all sorts of them, and I just can't focus on a story or something to use to fade off to sleep. Normally when going to bed I think up some story. Like a day dream. And I get myself wrapped into it until I fade off to sleep and ta da! no problem.

I want to make another scarf but I don't know who to make it for or if I have time. I have to find my smaller croqueting hook to start working on squares for a blanket we're making for my Japanese teacher. It's going to be teh end of the year gift from my friends and I. We'll probably also make one for Mrs. Locey, my journalsim teacher. I also have to find a picture of me for a few reasons... I don't even know where to start looking for one from this year. I don't know if I have any of me. Thank god I got the senior pictures done. Except I really am unphotogenic, no joke. This isn't me being modest or anything. I once won an award for worst ID picture in orchestra. I got a candy bar out of the deal, so all's good. But I do need to find a decent picture.

Oh! And teh last two songs on my must have list! *dances around* I have money now! I might be able to buy them! I know I can buy one for sure. "All Hail the Heartbreaker" by The Spill Canvas. Hear it if you can, it's awsome. *dances again* I'm going to buy it! Maybe tomorrow after class! And maybe I'll buy a book! And some other such thing. I dunno. I also want "So Cold" by Cross fade. That's the other I need for my favorite list. I'm sure I'm missing a few others, but for the most part other than that I think I'm good.

What else? Oh, there's a lot I could say, but what should I? I want to talk right now, but it's no fun if there isn't anyone to say anything back. I don't know why I even started this entry tonight. There isn't really a point to it.

Oh, hell, let's launch into this tangent. Because I haven't talked about it for awhile, mostly because I haven't seen Maude for awhile.

By now if you've been reading my journals, and you're not increadibly dense, you know I'm having troubles with a guy. Well, I'm a very stupid person. I mean, I can be smart, but over all I think i'm very stupid. Why? Because I'm still worrying over this guy. He hasn't bothered to talk to me in two weeks, for whatever reason. I know he has a life and is busy and stuff. But come on. If he really gave a damn he would have at least spent five minutes checking in, maybe ask how I am, or say what's keeping him so god damn busy. but no. He doesn't. This problem alone is responsible for about 60% of my stress, I think. Mostly because I don't know what the hell is going on. At all. Because he hasn't bothered to tell me. And instead of doing the smart thing and moving on (which I'm sure anyone who's ever been in a similar situation knows is a hell of a lot easier said than done) I'm worring about it. And sense I'm overloaded on everything it's just one more think I can't get the hell out of my head.

I want to stop thinking about it. I want to stop thinking about this guy. I'd love to be able to stop caring about him. But I can't. As impractical as it is, I would love for there to be something like a lightswitch for relationships. When you get to the point where you think "okay, I should be over this" you should just be able to flip the switch off. Some people can actually do this. It's called coping. Coping is bad for you. Because you're really not fliping the switch off, you're super glueing it down then adding duck tape for affect. When the time comes the glue will ware off and the duck tape will break, and then you're in a whole world of trouble. But until then you're kind of okay.

I'm not that person. I can hide from problems sometimes, or do something to make me feel like I've made progress, but I can't shut them out. Some times I could escape for awhile. I could go swimming and not think about anything but what lap I'm on and pushing myself harder. I could go to a concert and jump into a mosh pit for the soul perpous of getting my a** kicked and coming home with bruises because hey, for that time, I'm not thinking about anything else. I could get myself wrapped up in a progject and that can be it. But no, even when I'm reading that book or writing that paper, or out jogging that mile I'm thinking about other things. I'm thinking about that guy, or about the fact that my essay for that 6k scholorship wasn't as good as it could be. I'm worried about not getting that English paper done or how I've done on that math test. I'm thinking I should read for gov, and then I can do it tomorrow. I'm thinking I can sleep without those stupid pain killer pills that are also sleep aids, and then I'm getting up at one to take two and hoping they don't take forever to kick in.

I'm wishing I could do something about some of these problems. Like the homework stuff, I can just do my homework. Ta da, problem solved. I get it back, gee I got As again. No big deal. The scholorship one? The scholorship's sent in. I'll know by March 15th, at which point I either screwed up and didn't get it, or my writing skills hold up once again. About the guy? I can't do a damn thing about the guy. I can wait for him (I'm tired of that. I'm still doing it, but I'm tired of that), I can try to get his attention (because that works well), or... or what? In theory I could just go away. But that doesn't work. I don't know what I can do. I really don't know. It sucks. It's like with the scholorship. What can I do? I can wait. I can wait and hope and wonder. But I've submitted it already, and that's all there is to it.

I could look for other scholorships. But I really don't know where to start. There are some local ones I'll apply to, but they're not worth much.

I know it's not good for me, but I really want that off switch.

Want to know something annoying? Mixed with the fact that I took a nap today (very, very stupid of me, btw), all of this thinking is going to screw me over when I try to sleep. My mind's going to be so worked up it's not going to want to settle down. Reading doesn't help calm me, anymore, either, because as I've said, the problems don't go away. Even when I'm inthrawled in some book I'm still thinking about it. Which sucks because it actually gets in the way of reading. If my CD player worked I'd throw in a CD or something. But my big sterio's CD player is broken. I could technically listen to my lap top, but it's accustics just aren't that great. Some music deserves to be listened to loudly. I'm looking forward to the new CD I'm buying tomorrow. I got $156 dollars for working this weekend. At least a hundred is going to the no touch fund in the bank. I'm depending if I want to put more into it. I should, but I really want two CDs so that I can complete my favorite list. It's one of those little things that would just make me happy. And I owe $10 to Mikki, who I borrowed money from to pay for dinner in Seattle. And then 4 water bottels at the concert that I more or less chugged.

I really wanted to go to this concert on Thrusday, it had Hawthorne heights, Sugar Cult and a few other bands. I would have loved that one. The biggest problem with the concert I went to was I didn't like the music. Or most of the company. Sorry, but Austin's an a** and Mikki... what is Mikki? I dunno, he's an a** to. Funny thing is when you split them up and just chat with them one on one they're not that bad. Like Mikki and I, at about one in the morning, left Austin's house to buy some food because we decided we were hungry (and Maude was giving me subtle hints to go away for awhile... gee... I wonder why rolleyes ) and the whole car trip was fine. Plus we decided on food. Pizza and garlic bread! Yummness.

Garlic bread sounds really good. We should have a spagetti night! I love spagetti. I love pasta. I love a lot of food. But pasta sounds really good right now. Tammy, my dad's girl friend, makes great pasta stuff. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

Sorry, that was random. Anywho. So I'm listening to "All Hail the Heartbreaker" now. I downloaded it on this comp in hopes of burning it to a CD and putting it on my laptop. But that didn't work. I'm not entirely sure how the downloading thing goes, but it didn't work. *shrugs* I've moved on from that rather annoying bit.

Anywho, I'm giving this guy a scarf and my favorite song CD. I felt like making a scarf for someone, and I figured I'd been meaning to give him one for awhile. So he got that one. And I think it turned out well. I like it, anyway. I like the scarf I made for me, more, because I made it exactly how I want it, but his is good, too. Different people like different lengths and stuff, I'm not sure how he'll like it. But anywho, all my friends can have a favorite CD if they want one. After awhile they'll have to supply their own CD because I only have so many to burn. but it gots all sortsa things on it. I think I'll post a list when I have it complete. I don't know the names of all the songs though. Some are just like "song" by Linkin Park. Which means "I don't know the name because I either lost the CD case or ripped it from a friend without copying names down." Like one of the songs by A Perfect Circle, I actually have that CD, I just don't know where it is. So it's going to be track 12. Because I don't know what else to put as a title.

I'm sure I'm missing a few songs on it, but I added some of my old favorites. Like have any of you heard "Buetiful" by Joydrop? It's not mainstream anymore, but my dad bought the CD so I put it on. Um... There are a couple by nickleback. Like How You Remind Me. It's not really one of my fav's anymore, but I loved it at the time. I'm considering adding Chop Suey by System of A Down. I really don't like the band, but I loved that song. It was number one on the PCC for The End radio station in Seattle for like five months. No joke. Then some other song got number one on the year's countdown. I was fumming. Or at least annoyed enough to complain to everyone for a good ten minutes. We were at Crystal's house for new years that year. Crystals my dad's second ex-wife. We were at her house, and I had to keep changing the radio station back to The End because someone kept changing it to a differnt countdown when I left hte room. We played a game that night, too, it was actually fun.

I don't like Crystal, but I like some of her relatives.

Um... it's almost eleven. After the song's done I'm gonna get off.

Any last many comments? No, no not really. I dunno, if you're an interesting person who I don't nomally chat to give me a PM sometime. I'm bored and fun people are spiffy. I feel like talking to people. *sighs* and I get to go to school tomorrow where I don't talk openly to everyone. I have to remember to bring a rice cooker for Japanese club. We're having a food day. FINALLY. It had to be reschedualed for several reasons. Three times. My god that was annoying. Plus we get to figure out what to do about Maude's fund raiser yard sale that Japanese club's doing. We're spiffy like that.

Okies. Song's done.

I hope I didn't bore you or anything, I'm gonna head out.

Night all! I want your OMG if you have one, forgot to mention that I'm trying to buy one back.

till next time.
Auliro