I don't know what to do anymore. Try as I might I seem to always fail. D= Will she ever see how much I love her? Will she ever know just how much she means to me? I love her, and yet, everyday she seems to stray farther and farther away from me. Am I doing something wrong? This past week I have been losing my mind, literally. I feel ignored over 80% of the time, which mind you, I don't like being ignored... I love her more than anything and I cannot be with anyone else BUT her.... But, I do not know if she truly feels that way about me anymore... There are days I sit here in this room and get this feeling that she doesn't love me anymore. What if it is true and she doesn't love me anymore? What should I do then? No one could ever love me for me... The real me stays hidden from many, and for good reasons too... Some have gotten to know the real me, and many of them just up and left me for it...
She knows the real me and she never shied away from me... She loved me for me, she was happy to know that I trusted her enough to me the full me... But now I feel as if she might be happier with someone other than me... After all, I cannot give her what she truly wants, kids. How can I ever make her happy? I have many flaws and so much wrong with me that I feel as if she sees them and is trying to find a way to get out of our relationship... I am rarely happy and whenever I am it is because I got to speak to her. We hardly speak to eachother as it is and when I do get to talk to her it is a blessing. Maybe it is all just in my head, but it really doesn't feel like it.
My nightmares have been getting worse and worse everytime I close my eyes to sleep. My past is catching up to me more and more and yet I cannot escape it. Even if I was able to escape my past, the guilt I bare will always be there. The last nightmare I had was really bad... I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs. All I can remember from it now since it has been three days ago is that I was in the same forest that I was in when I still lived in Hayfork. Anyways, I was with my cousin Mason and we were riding his dirt bike. Well the dirt bike died right in the middle of the forest, which before we had gotten on I swear I saw something messing with the bike. Mason got off and saw that there was something wrong with the chain, I got off after he had said it was going to be awhile for him to fix it. I saw a ax laying on the ground behind him, his dad used the ax many times to cut down trees for firewood. I didn't think anything bad would come out of that ax being there, boy was I wrong! All I remember is that the damn bloody thing was being lifted by something and then it was thrown at me, lucky for me I ducked or else it would have impaled my skull! My cousin got freaked and ran leaving me behind with whatever it was. Whatever it was it tried to get me right after he left. That was when it ended. This really did happen to me when I lived there, then again I have faced many near-death experiences while I lived there. o.o;
Like this one time when my cousins, Mason and his little sister Amy, along with a couple of my friends from school, Jenny and Sarah, we were fixing up this abandoned shed that my cousins and I had found awhile ago. We had decided to make it into a fort, well the place was pretty run down. But we had stuff from Masons house to fix it up with. Well one day all of us was over there and we was busy getting the stuff out. Well I thought I had seen something moving in the back, there was a window there, I asked Amy if she saw anything back there and she said she didn't see anything, so I dropped the subject and went back to moving stuff out of there. Well we had found a horseshoe outside the fort and we kept it there for good luck. Well, anyways, after we had gotten the stuff out we decided to start painting the inside. Mason was behind me painting the door while Amy was next to me painting and Sarah was on the left side of the fort painting and Jenny was on the right side. Amy and I was paint the front side and Mason was painting the back side. We had already put up a light bulb in the celling so that we could see what we were doing when it got dark. Well it was a little past nine pm when the strangeness had started. What happened first was Jenny lost her paint brush, which she had set it down for she was taking a break. All of us saw where she had set it down and then a few minutes later it was gone! We looked all over the place for it but we couldn't find it. It was a good thing that we had extras, but that wasn't the point, we still lost a paint brush and we didn't know what had happened to it. D= The next thing to happen was we all started hearing this strange music begin to play, and yet non of the people near us in town had any music playing. Mind you this music sounded like it was coming from an old record player, it freaked the s**t out of us all! o: The third thing to happen was the rattling on the tin roof. It sounded as if there was someone on there, so Mason and I went to go check it out. We took our flashlights with us and aimed it at the roof, and there was nothing there. We called back at the girls and they said they could still hear the rattling. At this point all of us were freaked out so much that we almost left and went home. But instead we went on painting. The fourth and final thing that happened that night was random sharp and non sharp but deadly items were randomly being thrown at us. One of the razors barely missed my hand, while poor Jenny got pierced with a nail in her foot. Amy almost got hit in the head with a hammer, Mason had the horseshoe, which was supposed to be bolted to the outside mind you, thrown at him and here's the scariest thing about that, it hit his back and it was nailed there! Right on his back! Sarah's hands were nailed to the wall, we all were screaming our freggin heads off at this point. I knew something was there with us, yet I didn't know what it was. To this day we still don't know what the ******** it was. Whatever it was showed up, I could see it clearly, it grinned at me, pleased it looked, and then it was just gone. It was after midnight when things started calming down. We had gotten the nails out of Sarah's hands, while we got the horseshoe off of Masons back and we finally got that damn nail out of Jenny's foot. Nothing in my life has ever repaired me for the events that really happened that night. I am still scared shitless about the whole ordeal.
Many things happened to me in that town, and I will not bore/scare you with the rest of my stories. But, back to the subject at hand here, what am I to do about my fiance, I mean... What can I do in this situation? Please help me out here... I don't want to lose the love of my life....
I'll right again in here soon. Thanks for reading this far. o.o;
~Sniggy
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"Ignorant child,
Blessed with life on clay below.
All that lived and ever shall,
Are as nothing before the undying."
Blessed with life on clay below.
All that lived and ever shall,
Are as nothing before the undying."