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Unclean
The nightmares flood her senses.
Awake and trembling, she hops in her car,
trying to find an escape from the pain.
But she feels her demons hands still on her,
coating her skin with an unseen layer of filth
that she was never able to wash away.
Memories from her past eat away at her mind
like an invasion of maggots feasting on her rotting flesh.
So she slams the pedal to the floor.
Accelerating past 90 down the road going nowhere,
she's driving on the edge of sanity but she can't seem to care anymore.
Feeling like she's flying away from all the pain,
she grabs tight to the hope that there must be more to existing than living a life like this.
Closing her eyes to this world, she lets go of the wheel.
Feeling the impact tear through her flesh,
she tastes death on her lips like a welcome rebirth.
Tanya(February 28, 200 cool
 drowning_ophelia6 · Thu Feb 28, 2008 @ 08:09pm · 0 Comments |
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I saw your flowers today.
"Lethe's Bramble!" we would say to each other,
laughing at how alike our thinking was.
"Pam would say this proves we're nerds," you would say.
Smiling, I always replied, "She's just jealous that she doesn't have her own book of nerd notes."
For the first time in six months,
they are once again on the table.
I walked in, saw them there and froze,
tears once more filling my eyes
Memories of you presenting them to me
fill my mind like a film in an unending loop.
Now I tear the flowers from the vase,
angrily shredding them as I throw them away.
Burying them below the papers,
trying to make the memories disappear as well.
How I wish they were like Willow's Lathe's Bramble,
capable of making my memories all disappear.
I wish they could erase this pain that never stops aching inside me,
fill this hole that makes me feel endlessly empty.
The sorrow screams soundlessly in my head
making it impossible for me to focus on anything at all.
Thoughts of you race uncontrollably through my mind.
Like a ghost, you haunt me everywhere.
There is no longer any reason
to buy two of the same things
when I find something I know you would love
simply because I love it myself
Yet instictively I grab two
before only purchasing one
and my hands still feel somehow empty
when I leave yours behind
"Yours," as if you will return to buy it.
"Yours," as if it truly belongs to you.
My cats follow me around the house,
curling up in my lap to sleep,
images of their father, your cat.
Your name still hangs over everyone at work
like it will somehow break me to hear it
so people simply avoid saying it
and there you have become the white elephant
that everyone knows about but nobody acknowledges.
Will I ever be able to let you go?
Will I ever stop feeling this hurt?
Am I never to be free of these memories
that lead me always back to the one constant solution,
the one solution we both tried to save each other from?
Is that my final punishment?
Will I never be able to find peace
because I failed you somehow?
Will it always evade me
since I could not bring it to you?
The flowers lay crumpled and dying now.
I look at them and cry.
In killing them, I feel as if I have killed you.
drowning_ophelia6 · Mon Feb 11, 2008 @ 11:09am · 0 Comments |
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I see your eyes,
the only part of you
that I still recognize.
They glow in your flawless face,
your smile beautiful,
regardless of your braces.
I see your eyes,
that I once looked to
as a reason to be alive.
They have grown so much
and I have witnessed so little
of your journey these past years.
I see your eyes,
reflecting your happiness
while my eyes stare back
and fill with tears
Your eyes cannot look back at me.
They are only those in a photograph.
I see your eyes
and see the baby I held,
the toddler I treasured,
the little girl I spoiled,
has become the teenager
I can only see staring out of a picture.
drowning_ophelia6 · Sun Feb 03, 2008 @ 11:31am · 0 Comments |
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Happy New Years
The tears well behind my eyes.
They burn so that I can not see.
Like hands clasped tight around my neck,
I struggle to be able to breathe.
The minutes slowly tick away,
yet the hour rapidly approaches.
I taste my fear on my lips
and hear it in my lungs.
The past echoes scream in my mind,
a memory of all that I have lost.
The future hides in front of me
and I struggle to see into it.
I know not what is coming,
yet my mind can sense the pain.
How long will I have before it strikes?
One strike may be all it takes to crush me.
I cannot breathe through this shadow,
cannot pull the sticky web off of me.
The past clings to my body,
dragging itself into my future,
destroying every moment of my life.
Tanya
12/31/07
drowning_ophelia6 · Tue Jan 01, 2008 @ 07:57am · 0 Comments |
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Falling To the Darkness
The darkness comes quicker this year.
It has not yet fully taken me over,
but I see it hiding on the edges of my perception.
I feel it caressing my body like a lover longing for my touch.
It's touch makes the sadness linger longer,
makes the pain feel more intense,
tempting me to bring the blades to my skin,
tempting me to just give in.
It is almost worse knowing that it is near
than if it came as a surprise,
engulfing me and consuming me all at once.
To feel it there and to fight it,
knowing that you will eventually give in,
knowing that you always lose in the end,
is nearly unbearable and only makes me full of hatrid;
hatrid for my inability to exist without failing;
hatrid for my weakness.
Such a pathetic, worthless thing I am!
I can never be strong enough
to push the darkness away,
to get out from under the bleak blanket of sorrow that overwhelms me.
Instead I will find myself wrapped tightly in its control,
losing all my battles,
having no way to escape the black hollow
that will become my world
until the darkness decides to release me.
Tanya Costa(9/14/05)
drowning_ophelia6 · Wed Sep 14, 2005 @ 09:19am · 1 Comments |
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