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For those of you who don't know, I am currently staying at good 'ol Seizure Village in Camarillo, CA, a 55+ community for the wrinkled and mentally failing. About a year ago, my dad and his brother bought my grandparents a place here to get them out of the trailer park, and now we're spending the week for family bonding.

Family bonding won't get rid of that old people smell, however. If you've ever lived with old people (meaning 75 and older), you will recognize this horrible stench, which manages to penetrate every inch of your clothes, your hair, and even your skin. In essence, you become one of them.

However, there is one thing that can make the smell worse. You see, The Village was built on an old onion farm back in 1978, and some of the plants managed to survive construction and take root under the unsuspecting seniors' houses. Now, onions grow in every patch of every untended lawn no matter what the hunched over little grandmas try to do. It's sad really, watching them try to lift their rusted old garden shears, noses almost touching the grass. But I show no pity.

You may be thinking to yourselves in your clean, onion-free homes, "Wow, what a b***h, picking on those old people like that." Well, you're right. I am a b***h. But I have a good reason! These old people are out to kill me! Just this morning, I went out to get the newspaper for my Grandpa, when out of nowhere, sped an angry senior on her cherry-red Rascal, nearly crashing into me. I let out a little yelp as I jumped behind the neighbor's wheelchair ramp, but the little granny wouldn't stop there. Looking behind her with squinty, wrinkled eyes, she backed up, barely missing me again. She removed her glasses and looked at me head to toe before saying, "I'm sorry dearie. Didn't realize you were there," and rode off into the distance.

Good LORD I hate old people...