Every time a letter or call comes from Tom, I suddenly feel a rush of emotions and not all of them are good ones. Each time a letter comes in the mail and it's not addressed to me, I get jealous and it stings a little. His parents have gotten five letters so far and I've only gotten three. When it comes to his calls, I want it all to myself, to talk to him for as long as he has.
I know this is stupid, that I shouldn't feel this way, but I miss him so much and I just want him to myself. It's one reason why I can't wait to move out on our own so that I don't have to constantly share him with his parents. That sounds so horrible...but they don't seem to really want to let him go. It's my turn to take care of him and worry about him most, isn't it? I love his family, I really do, but I feel like I have to compete with them for his affections.
I'm always thinking of him, whether he's front and center in my mind or lurking just behind my current thoughts. I can barely sit down and watch my favorite anime without feeling that pang of loneliness. (Maybe that's what I get for watching Sailor Moon...) It's only been three weeks and I can't stand it. I'll be able to see him in seven weeks but it can't come soon enough.
It's so silly for me to feel like this, to get jealous and feel selfish. It's also silly of me to pretend to be as strong as he thinks I am. You'd think I could handle being away from him for a few weeks but I've gotten so used to having him around. It almost feels like I've been spoiled. I used to go months without seeing him and even during college, I'd mostly just have him on the weekends. But once I moved up to Virginia, I got to see him nearly every single day. I got to fall asleep beside him and wake up next to him and it was one of the best feelings I've ever had.
Back when we were still in high school and we could only visit every few months for a day or so, I was always so sad to have to go our separate ways. His mom had even mentioned that I once looked like I had just found out someone had run over my dog. When he left for basic, I put on a brave face for him so he wouldn't have to see that expression again. But I'm not really as brave or strong as I pretend to be. I don't like being alone and without him. I don't like knowing that he's sick and I can't tend to him. I don't like just sitting here while he's out there busting his a**. But...I know he's doing it for me, for us. I wish I could do what he's doing but my health would never allow it. So, for now, I just have to try and get over this stupid jealousy and selfishness. I have to keep trying to be strong for him. It's all I can really do.
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Under the Sun
Where you can get under my skin and see what makes me tick.
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Sunray Tristram
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