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The end, or the beginning of something new? |
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That's the question I'm faced with, I suppose. But the answer, in all honesty, is both. An end to something I've known for all of my life, something that I once held above all else, that has now failed me in more ways than one. And a beginning; a beginning of what I think will be the happiest days of my life, spent with someone I've grown to love with all of my heart and soul, someone I've pledged my life to and plan on spending the rest of my life with.
I'm moving out this summer. After exams and after summer school, I'm hittin' the ol' dusty trail. Well, more like riding the jetstream, but whatever. I've finally reached my limit. It's been a long time coming, I guess. There's only so much a person can put up with, and... well, I've had it. It's reached the point where I can't so much as be in the same room with my parents and we're fighting over something. It's not something I'm proud of, far from it, and I don't want my good memories of my family marred by all the crap we're putting each other through.
I've been thinking about this for a while. Months. It's been playing at the back of my mind with very little anchoring me in place. School, guilt, and nowhere to go being a few. Well, school's now almost over-- or atleast the school year--, my parents have helped to dissipate all the guilt by driving me to my limit time and time again, and now... I have somewhere to go. God, I love him. I've been offered a place in Nova Scotia with my boyfriend. And I've accepted it. I'll be living with him, his mother and his little brothers, paying rent and going to his school for the last year of highschool. That takes care of the "no where to go" part as well as school.
I admit I was a little bit afraid at first about what mom would think. But I've come to the conclusion that I will try my hardest to explain myself to her and if she still doesn't accept it, I'll leave regardless. It'd be easier if she wasn't so damned head-strong, but... oh, well. There's only so much I can do. I was-- and still am, a little-- afraid of what Jay's friends would think of me, and also what my friends will think of me leaving. But Jay's friends-- mainly Davith and Kody, are so kind to me, and Davith even treats me like a little sister, despite the fact that he's younger. Also, Jay's mom is... Oh, I can't even begin to describe. His friends, his mom; they're wonderful. I feel so welcome.
My friends, however, are going to be another matter. Kate... is critical. She's going to let me know inside and out how stupid she thinks I am. Then there's Steph to back her up, as well as the guys. And Jeannine. But Kate will be the worst. I'm terrified of her thinking of me as another Ali... I don't want to be shunned. It's not like I'm doing this to hurt them. I just... need to get away. It's MY decision and MY life. I just really hope they understand... Like Jusu. Thank God for level-headed Jusu-chan. I'm really going to miss them all...
I talked to Frau, and she more or less supports me. A little less than I'd like, but she understands and that's the main thing. Of course she tried to talk me out of it, but that's understandable. She's a teacher, but she's also a friend. I'm glad I confided in her. It was... helpful. But I still need to contact Ms. Lambe. I called her before, but she didn't answer. I got the answering machine, but... that would do me little good. For starters, I wouldn't have a clue what to say, and I REALLY didn't want her to call me at home and have my mother pick it up. That would be disastrous. I need to get my classes sorted out as well as figure out what I need to do for registration. I need to take French... DAMN. And PAL, but that'll be fine. I'm lazy as all heck, but I'll be fine. Jay says he'll help me with French, but... I suck. And my German just screws me over even more. Ah, well... Just another of the sacrifices I'm willing to make.
I have currently saved up $260, with another $200 on the way. $180 of that will be going to a plane ticket, and the rest will be for a.) rent and b.) starting school. I'll need school supplies and crap, plus some new clothing, so... yeah. I'll also be getting a job, so that'll help. It's one of Mrs. Drouin's requirements: a job, good grades, and... no baby-making. -cough- Easy-peasy. No worries for this one. Not really sure what I'm going to do after school. I mean, I planned on going to the U of T, but... That's kinda not going to work. Well, unless I wait for Jay to graduate and then the both of us head up this way. But he plans on going to community college, and he'll be in the reserves, so... there's not really any point in him coming up this way anymore. And it's not fair to ask him to put his life on hold just so I can go. I'll most likely end up either going to the university he told me of in Newfoundland, or moving back up here long enough to do what I need to do. I just hope my family and friends don't still hate me by then...
But, right now, I need to focus on the present. I mean, I have my first exam this Tuesday (today being Saturday). I need to study, do well, and raise my bloody chemistry mark from a sixty-whatever to... well, over an eighty, preferably. Probably not gonna happen, but I'm going to try. I'll keep you posted, at any rate. And for those of you who actually took the time to read all of this, I am truly sorry for wasting those few precious moments of your life.
-Lully
-=Cruel Lullaby=- · Sun Jun 10, 2007 @ 02:59am · 1 Comments |
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