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Once there was a person in here, they had wants, they had needs, but they suffocated, no cries were heard, now only a distant memory of one who begged to live but was muffled. That spirit will never fill this vessel again.

The need for an indentity, a being, a self.....
When you are alone you are not a person or a being and you require not identity, you just are.
Isolation is freedom.

This year I'm changed even more but the underlying things remain the same I am; insecure, anxious and vain. Or could I even refer to this vessel as me, myself, I anymore (not going into detail on this now). The time in which these other things were posted I was still listening to Marilyn Manson (The lying b*****d, but he's getting divorced..... he deserves it) actually when I was 13/14 that seemed to be the only thing I listened to since then I have discovered metal 3nodding and j-rock, why? because I just love guys in thigh high boots..... joking although the boots are pretty cool, yes you all know you love Abath and his posse. Anyway before I started listening to metal I hated guitars, rock guitars are crappy, the guitars in bm and doom can be beautiful. I think that obsessive quality has gone out of me because I cannot find a favourite band, I don't know if anything comes close it's maybe My Dying Bride? But then again I may just like them because everybody else hates them, I seem to do that alot, makes me feel special. Wow I started all serious and now I'm just rambling about music, yay! Enough said then!

Everywhere I look I see people missing school, missing work, avoiding homework and just procrastinating on the interenet, and it sickens me! Well not really, I used to be one of them, but now the whole internet just seems boring, kinda shitty really... can't find anywhere which actually entertains constantly! It's awful!

I haven´t been here in a while, well not in my journal. I don´t want next year to happen. Since that last entry alot has happened I went to a new school where I was suprised to find that people were actually nice, I made friends and for a while I was happy, but somewhere I felt I lost all purpose and fell again into the haze between despair and numbness, I just didn´t care, the big blur of the year went so fast. At one place my struggle was to be me, but with freedom I lost that me altogether, now the person I feel is trapped inside of me is something that I will never be. In the past months I lived more in fantasy than reality, the world was so distant, so unimportant, why bother with this world when you can dream? I rarely felt anything in this world save the dizziness that plagued me. Doctors and counseller´s called for depression, how ironic seem that was thing that I DID NOT HAVE at my other school. I started off having higher hopes for next year and ended on confusion and indecision.

I feel like this year has been taken from me, the way I saw it was with the holidays you lose the whole year, that is something that my mum cannot comphrehend, I need this time to re-invent myself, so I might be something other than this sad character dreaming a dream that no amount of hard work or surgery can make true. I need to learn to feel better about my self in my own surroundings. I need to for once not feel that I am dead. I need to find some manner of thing that I can be before it´s too late. But it seems too late it is. So now again I become numb and oblivious to the world and to any time save for the present. And I´ll forget about me and just tag along like an obedient dog. I will deny that in the near future I will have to make choices that could save or cripple me forever.

I can't have them all laugh at me, I can't handle criticism, not now when I haven't had enough sleep. I'm ******** terrifed and I know the more shcool I miss the worse it gets.... everyone in the ******** universe must have told me that by now. I wouldn't be like this if that b***h of cordinator could just leave me alone. I don't like feeling like I'm being watched all the time maybe when she asked me "what can we do to make it better for you" I should have told her that she could shut the ******** up and leave my hair out of it. My hair.... it's caused so much trouble... can't they be content that they don't see me enough for me to impact on the schools image?

I need more holidays, to think these holidays... all that time ago I was meant to meet with someone. He mailed me.... but I don't want to speak to that person ever again... just like I don't want to speak to my dad ever again, just like I don't wnat to speak to Guy ever again... I guess there was always alot of people I never wanted to speak to ever again.

Snake... I never loved him and it was probably the same for him... actually really I didn't think of him at all these holidays. The whole stupid thing was out of desperation, not because I found him attractive (which he wasn't) and not because of his umm... personality. I never felt anything except the anticipation when I thought I he formally dump me. No one showed any interest in me at all this year. I can't help but think me lack of friends contributed to this.

Anyway I went off the subject I'm meant to be despairing over not going to school. Ouch that blister freaking hurts... now I think maybe that's why I always hated school, I never got what I wanted... all I wanted to do was to sing or play music and I only got bass lessons this year, but that doesn't mean everything else should seem pointless. I don't know relatives, friends of relatives... I don't know who those people were. My mum told people I wnated to be a rockstar... they laughed so I shut my mouth for a long time now since then I've been scared to say anything.

Why does my childhood haunt me sometimes. It's really weird I've blocked so many things out... I just can't remember them... ofcourse I didn't wnat to remember when they were clear but now I just don't know.

********, I've been here half an hour.... thanks for listening to my ranting.... -submit-

I've given myself a headache. The song I was playing only has 1 note through the entire thing. I feel so sick. then again I always feel sick. "A friend in need's a friend indeed" thankyou placebo...... "days dawning skin's crawling"... I like the song except now my head hurts because of it -feels dizzy- I think I started playing because I thought it'd make me feel better. -head spins- rofl