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Dirty Jokes. Cus I like them ^_^
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.
The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.
"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I n** out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.
Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."
Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads...
Dear Wife,
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows...
Dear Husband,
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND,
you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ********' a**."
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete a** of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important p***k, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, ******** him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
A man and woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. She told him to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his p***s. When it was erect is said Wendy and when it was limp if said Wy. They got married and went to Jamaica to a nude beach for their honeymoon. Wendy told her husband to go get them a drink so he went to a stand on the beach and noticed the man who was waiting on him also has a Wy on his p***s. He said oh you must have a wife named Wendy to and the waiter said no mine says Welcome to Jamaica man have a nice day!!!
A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey my hands are cold again". So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "honey my hands are cold again". She then said, " Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"
A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas. The bartender asked, "what's wrong," and the guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay. The bartender says, "he's sorry about it." After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15 tequilas. The bartender asked, "What's wrong now," to which the guy responds That he found out that his older son was gay, too. The bartender says that he's sorry. The guy returned a few days later and ordered 20 tequilas. The bartender burst out, "Isn't anyone in your family gettin' any p***y?!" The guy gets really pissed and says, "Yeah, my wife!!!!!"
It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and before he can say anything, some talking came from the other end of the line and the husband says "How the heck do I know - what am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch you ******** wanker!" later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." the priest says "Well, have you tried smacking them?" she said "No, doesn't the church look down on that?" the priest says "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception." The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says "Well, gimme some ******** waffles." The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. his mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and his reply was "Well you can bet your sweet a** I don't want no ******** waffles!"
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
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