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Jeez, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't really have anything for me here on gaia, or the computer itself, for that matter. Of course. . I don't have much of a life, either. Just one friend, really. One good friend that I am very grateful for.

Ever wondered why people stick around? I do... It's so weird. Like, everytime I start to get comfortable with people and used to them being around, my be-polite-and-bite-your-tongue-cuz-noboday-cares attitude just kind of fizzles out and I become this jackass of a person. Why do I do that? Is it really me doing it, because I feel like a complete loser by the end of every day almost because of it. Half the time, I'm afraid to say what's on my mind and what I DO say comes out the wrong way. You can't fix those things. Sorry and oopsy aren't going to cut it apparently.

I used to love gaia. Was practically addicted, more likely. One summer, my friend told me about it and wanted me to make an account. I did... did some exploring of the site with my glorious dial-up speed. I was always in the art post for a while, until I discovered the guild roleplaying forums.. I started following a couple of RPs and decided I wanted in on the action. It looked fun, and after reading some of them, I thought I might do okay. None of the ones already made seemed like something I could do, though. Being the anime person I'm not, I knew next to squat about what all these other people were talking about when their RPs were named after some kind of series or something. SO, I decided to come up with my own thing. Masquerade was the theme. I even came up with a plot, the only one I could ever really get into apparently. But, of course, it kind of went a different direction from what I had hoped. No big, though. It was enjoyable while it lasted. At least we made it to the end... it didn't just die like I expected... Curiouser still, one of the people that joined was someone I had seen in an RP I had been following.. it was odd. Not a bad-odd, just... odd. I was kinda happy though, bacause I considered him to be a pretty good RPer, much better than me, that's for sure. I was just hoping I would be able to impress him somehow. Why? Beats me. Probably because he just seemed more experienced than me, and if I could catch the interest of someone 'better' than me, maybe I could learn a thing or two personally. I guess I'm always looking to be taught (as odd as that may sound xP).

But anyway, I've been online almost everyday since I started that Masquerade RP and talking to the same people practically every day as well. Well, things are fizzling out with them, it seems, and now that I am trying to turn back to the exploring of the site... it just doesn't seem as interesting as it used to. At least, that's how I feel about the things I get myself involved in.. I feel like I just ruin stuff. And what's worse is everybody else has somewhere else to go until the monstrosity [me] decides to leave. Like, the spark that made gaia so dazzling just months ago isn't there anymore all because I couldn't just resolve to be a pleasant person. It's a strange thing, though, how easily I can talk to strangers... It's almost like I can just open myself up for them without a flinch, no worries... I sound more friendly, more accepting... I feel that way, too... but.. I don't know why I change. I don't know why.

Well, if anybody out there actually read this and actually cares, thanks. I really appreciate it.


. . .

My heart is in my throat and my breaths being cut short. I can't explain it, this stress that comes. It's so hard to just wait it out. I reach at my neck, wishing to just rip out the throbbing sensation. Get it out. I want it to go away! I press a hand against my chest as if trying to suffocate the feeling. I can't get it to stop. My eyes water if I let my imagination run rampant. Tears flood, but only one is revealed. Its path just a trickle as if restrained somehow.
I want to cry, scream out, tear myself open for the world to see.

..I'll stand alone. My head hung low. My wishes to fall to my knees unknown. I can't escape it, cannot hide. From this mostrosity that kills from inside.
This is my life, so long has been. My fears, my doubts. Hate and passion.
My friend, my subconsious, on that which I thrive. Where all is false but still more alive.

I feel so sick. Need to just break down. I want to run away. Get out and forget. What I am leaving and what I have left. My love and my hate.. I cower to know.

--Okay, yeah, shut up. x3 I know that all sounds stupid and all, and even if I'm not emo, sometimes it just feels good to say emo-ish stuff to express that I'm not feeling my best. Make fun if you like, but it won't change that that was how I felt at the time of writing it and the fact that I liked how it came out, at least parts of it. Anyway.. Ciao until next time, I guess.