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It was intense... Never before in my entire life have i experienced such a feeling of unfair loss, such an emptyness, sadness, utter misery as i did while i watched that stupid LTD bus drive away with the one i love inside, not knowing when i was going to see him again.
I am usually a fairly strong person in upsetting situations. Possessing the bittersweet ability to change my mood with pure will i can usually transform my own sadness into either anger or calm steadyness in which i can live until i am somewhere alone where nobody can witness my breakdowns.
I have only broken into tears twice before that i can remember in front of my friends. Once was when i was coming down off of an adrenaline rush that caused me to throw my crutch at one of my best friends and i cried in front of her after we had made up just from the sheer exhaustion and lack of energy. And another time i had gotten so royally pissed at my science teacher that i literally screamed at him and tore him apart verbally. I left with tears of anger streaming down my face.
But never in my entire life have my friends witnessed me so helplessly depressed and miserable that i slumped to the ground in defeat and cried until i couldn't cry any more... until today that is.
I barely made it across the street. After running my way there to get one final kiss and tell him "i love you" one last time before the next time in the indefinite future that i would get to see him, and turning around and starting back, i began to realise just how indefinite that future meeting time was. I began thinking about just how long a time might pass before i got to see him again. By the time i had waited out the traffic and finally made it back across all traces of a smile were gone from my face and when i turned to wave to him, the bus was already there and he was already gone.
I stood there for about a minute watching his bus drive away, saying little more than "nothing, i'm fine." in a subdued voice while anna, brittany and kat all asked repeatedly what was wrong. When it was finally out of sight i finally snapped "i don't want to talk about it okay?!" at anna who was being the most persistent in finding out what the deal was, i could already hear the tears welling up in my voice and that all-to-familiar stinging sensation was slowly welling up behind my eyes. It was about this time that i decided that i had no energy whatsoever and dropped to sit on the edge of the curb, murmering the mantra "i am not going to cry, i'll see him again soon, i will not cry, its silly" even as i felt the first tears slide down my cheek... I cried probably until the bus came and then struggled not to continue the whole ride home while everyone but midget tried to comfort me, kat having explained the undoubted reason as to what my issue was, failing miserably.
This instant caused me to realize a couple of things:
1) My lovely ability to change my own mood does not work in the slightest when one is completely consumed and overwhelmed by a feeling
2) I love mason more than i could ever think possible and never EVER want to experience that loss permanently. If just a temporary separation was enough to crack my self control that much i have an almost sick feeling that a permanent loss would destroy me...
3) I hate, okay hate is too strong a word for me, strongly dislike Alex Foelker and want to punt him just about as far as physically possible
4) Brittany has made it into my circle of best friends
5) I have an easier time opening up and ranting at Kat than just about anyone else
and wow 6) i have the most caring and understanding best friends ever....
Now i know i probably over reacted and many of you are probably shaking your head in exasperation at my melodrama, but it was a pretty signifigant breakdown for me so i thought i'd share it in well thought out narration... Anyway, aside from my meltdown i had an awesome day... and would like to say that movie theaters, especially the ones with the reclining seats and removable arm rests, are possibly the most fun and comfortable places to make out that i have found... lol!
And this song, despite how much the artist tends to annoy me, totally fits right now
I LOVE YOU MASON!!!!
heart heart heart heart heart
P.S. i know its not a continuation of my life story but you learn a bit about me in it so it works okay?!?!!
 mistress_of_insanity · Fri Jun 15, 2007 @ 07:13am · 5 Comments |
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