I hate today...
I hate today so much....
Everything hurts...I've been crying for the last 3 hours.
I feel so sad inside for so many reasons.
I don't feel wanted by anyone.
I don't feel needed by anyone.
I don't feel anything and it hurts so much...
Everyone needs another person, I always need someone else, yet no one needs me.
I just hurts...
Like in WOE with VX...everyone is so happy when another person logs on, but when I do no one even notices. I'm happy and cheery and helpful and everything...but its just not enough.
I had a crush on Skilled, a big crush. Not inlove, but I did like him more than I should...it coulda became more. So I express it and he always does this weird s**t...like he'll make an akward face or say something mean or ignore me. But when the other girls of the guild do it he acknowledges them. He'll even flirt with them and stuff but not with me. I feel so defective and undesired.
Before my responce would of been, "Oh, well atleast I have Izzy"...I don't. I don't have anyone anymore. Isaac is off in his own ******** world with no regards to me as long as he is happy. Sefish as ******** thinks if he just spends 20minutes with me on the weekdays after work when he can manage it that those moment are enough to keep me content with having him. They don't. So when the weekend comes I'm geared up and happy as ******** because I can finally spend time with the one I love. I can't. No. Why? Because he needs time to himself. I cut into his "me" time to much, but of ******** course he can get on RO and hang out with other people...but no, not with me. I'm not worth it, because I get my 20minutes during the week.
20 minutes a day x 4 days a week = 80 minutes for Monday - Thursday.
60 mintutes (on average) x 1 day a week (friday) = 60 minutes.
80 minutes + 60 minutes = 140 minutes on weedays.
140 total minutes/60 minutes in 1 hour = 2.33 hours on average.
Wow, two hours for your ******** girlfriend weekly. Hmm...lets see that monthly!
2.33 hours a week x 4 weeks in a month = 9.32 hours a month
Wow, he sleeps more daily than he talks to me for an entire ******** month. Doesn't matter, I probably did my calculations wrong anyway...
...
I hate boys so much...I hate love I hate caring I hate it all and I wish it didn't exist.
All day today, all my friend and even ******** strangers had love. They had their loved one they could kiss at and hug on and RR and say they loved and s**t and what do I have? Nothing. I don't equate into the ******** schedule. I'm to much stress. I'm to much added s**t. To much to much to much. My math may be ******** up but I can atleast see that. Its like everyone was ******** taunting me today because I dont' have anyone to kiss and hug on. Its not fair damn it. I want someone too. Its not like I can't get someone to do that with. Y aknow, thats the ******** thing abotu all of this. I can easily have someone to kiss and hug on and say I love, but I don't. I don't. I'm tortuing myself over a ******** person who probably doesn't even think about me.
Thats my problem. I'm a high maitnance girlfriend. Gifts and s**t are nice but I need your attention. I crave it, I live off of it, I ******** love you for it. Why the ******** do you think I loved Josh so much?! I was #1, I was top priority, I was made to feel like I mattered and I was needed. Also the reason I liked Shadow. As immature as they may have been, they atleast ******** got that right. Provided me with attention is not the only reason why, but its a big reason. I don't look for the attention of others, I always think havin my guy is all I need; everyone else is just around for my amusement. My guy was my world, because when it comes to my boyfriend he is #1, he is top priority, I do my damnest to make him feel wanted and needed. See where my life moto comes from? "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Thats the only ******** reason I treat my guys like that. Its what I want, so its hwo I treat them. Its not that Isaac doesn't give me attetion. Its that he doesn't try to. Who know, maybe he ******** does? But oh...wow...HE DOESN"T DO ANYTHING TO SHOW HE EVEN GIVES A ******** ABOUT ME HALF THE ******** TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...great, I'm ******** crying again. Thanks a ******** lot.
...this is the first time I've cried since my happy-trend started. I'm not mad right now, no, just disgusted to the point where I want to vomit. Why am I spending time on these people who don't even want me? I'm wasting my energy for a cause that will not benefit me in a postive way in the longrun.
I just just go and get wasted...so drunk I can't even walk and so high I can't even see straight. I dont' care what happens at the party. I dont' care if I get taken advantage of. No one cares. What the ******** else am I suppose to do?
It doesn't matter. Nothing matter. I hate my life. I hate myself. I hate my decisions. I wish I'd die.
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Panda-tastic
My rants, not a life plan.
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