Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

So I went for my drivers test today.
I passed. Yet for some reason I can't feel anything, I am not excited. Go through the motions. Smile, nod, thank people for their congrats. Look happy, though I failed at that. I hate being numb, yet, I take pleasure in it as well. It hurts less to be numb, and if you know the routine, you can fake being normal. "Normal". What is normal? It's like asking what is okay. People ask me if I am okay. I ask them to define okay. Theirs is not the same as mine.

Okay for me is not dying, being able to fake my way through life. Oh well. Speaking of faking, I wonder how good I am, if I can fool even me. Went to karoke for my birthday party. It was fun. Or was it? I think a portion of it was until it got to loud. Laugh, smile, sing, eat, enjoy. Easier said than done. After, everyone went to a movie, I think. I went home. Alone. Always alone.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother writing in here, no one reads it. Supposedly people do, I occassionally get a comment. But how many actually read it, and understand what I am going through?

Anyways, now I am alone, and sad, and paranoid, a lot of things. Mostly numb. Always numb. So nice to be alone and not feel anything....Too bad I feel what I don't want to most. Oh well. Off to bed to cry. Sometimes I feel like jabbing a pen into my veins. Reminds me of one time my friend kicked a pencil into my hand. The lead broke off. Teacher wouldn't let me go to the bathroom to wash it or anything. Good old elementary teachers. Good night.

heart Question of the day heart
Why did the chicken cross the road?