Have you ever had the feeling you wanted to tear your heart of your chest in desperation? Not the physical kind, where you are having a heart attack, and it hurts so bad that you just want to get rid of your heart. I mean the kind, when you can feel it aching in your chest so hard, so bad that you just want to lay there and stare at the ceiling and pray to what ever god is up there to strike you down. Kill you off, make you paralyzed, anything to stop the pain. The pain where you wish you could guzzle a thousand pills to try and be numb, or play the 'pass out game' to see how long it takes for you pass out. Because, usually dreams bring Consolidation. Not only that, but when you sleep, you don't feel anything. Nothing but an eerie warmth from your own body heat, or the chill of your fingers, or even the slight n** on your nose where it freezes in the night.
This is how I feel, as I stare out of my rain laden window. Miserable, absolutely miserable, and no matter how hard I try to smile, the more it hurts. The more it burns, the more my heart is trying to leap from my throat screaming 'Make it stop! Make it stop! I can't take this pain anymore! Pull your icy knives out from within me and make it stop!' But no matter how hard I try to forget him, to pull those icy stakes from my heart, to make the love go away, the devotion, the loyalty I simply can't.
This reminds me of the day dream I had while vacuuming. I dreamed that the one who made me so miserable was being held hostage. Before him, a man, cloaked in black with a gun. Right on his chest, the barrel of the gun, the exact position of his heart. In this dream, I leaped before him in order to save his life. Of course, he was taken by surprise, but when he asked why I did it I didn't tell him how madly in love I was with him, but I knew my eyes showed it as I uttered to him "Now you can see how ******** much I wanted to be your friend."
And in a ******** up way, it was true. All I want is to be his friend. That's really all I want . . .that's it.
But who knows that but me.
This is how I feel, as I stare out of my rain laden window. Miserable, absolutely miserable, and no matter how hard I try to smile, the more it hurts. The more it burns, the more my heart is trying to leap from my throat screaming 'Make it stop! Make it stop! I can't take this pain anymore! Pull your icy knives out from within me and make it stop!' But no matter how hard I try to forget him, to pull those icy stakes from my heart, to make the love go away, the devotion, the loyalty I simply can't.
This reminds me of the day dream I had while vacuuming. I dreamed that the one who made me so miserable was being held hostage. Before him, a man, cloaked in black with a gun. Right on his chest, the barrel of the gun, the exact position of his heart. In this dream, I leaped before him in order to save his life. Of course, he was taken by surprise, but when he asked why I did it I didn't tell him how madly in love I was with him, but I knew my eyes showed it as I uttered to him "Now you can see how ******** much I wanted to be your friend."
And in a ******** up way, it was true. All I want is to be his friend. That's really all I want . . .that's it.
But who knows that but me.
