Oi. First post. I'm not gonna give big ol' happy posts about how life is great and everything is going swell, I'll say that right now. There will most likely be very little of that here. It's going to be more like my BAH file from school. I try to avoid using names, so if you want to know who I'm talking about, you'd have to ask me. It's not safe to assume you know who I'm talking about, because you don't.
I hurt really bad right now. I know things have been worse for others and things could be worse for me, but right now this is the worst it has been. He says he still likes me for all the same reasons and that he still cares about me. He says I was just too depressing. The word that stings the most there is LIKES. I dont want him to just LIKE me, I want him to still LOVE me too. One would think that since the only thing that made him want to leave me was that I was depressed, there would be some hope. I'm seeing counseling, which should help me. He says he doesnt think he could ever feel the same about me. That hurts.
He says friends. "I think we should just be friends." What is friends to him? Does it mean if I call him up and say, "Hey, wanna go to a movie?" He'll be all happy and say, "Yeah, where should I meet you?" Because friends are happy to see friends. Or, to him, does it mean he is just being kind to this pathetic girl that is me and saying what he thinks will keep me from suicide or murder? (Not that I would murder, but maybe he thinks I'll get violent towards him) He is my best friend. The other that Icalled my "best friend" has stabbed me in the back, yet again. Not just me this time either. It seems this "friend" of mine and others has decided that she alone should be the one the opposite sex loves. Not all of the opposite sex, just most of it. Especially those that are interested in myself and the others.
Why must she be the best? She's being so pathetic. Joining choir to be better than the best singer out of all of us, then saying she did it for that reason out loud. Joining modern music tech and asking for my music, just so she can copy it and attempt to make it 'better'. I ask, why should I call her friend? She acts so righteous and as if she can do no wrong when in reality, she is a hypocritical backstabber. It didn't used to be this way.
We were the best of friends. Like twins, some said. Thn things went bad with another friend and our dowhill spiral of friendship began. Sometimes I think that it is for this reason I need counceling. Part of it at least. I hate the fact that my problems in the past have decided that now is the good time to take effect. I scare all those I care so deeply about-him and another - away from me with my emotions. I feel as if i should just curl up and die.
He said he'd cal me back to finish what we talked about. Or maybe just to be kind. Maybe he really will want to talk to me. I donno. Time will tell. i spose I'll end up posting that here too.
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My brain makes words.
If I need to talk but have no one to talk to or I feel I need to write through my problems, it goes here. I do not use names. If I do, it's because I either have no respect for the person, or I accidentally slipped.
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