Yes, it's an irony, in my opinion. That I have friends but I don't at the same time. As though I am only mentally capable of considering a single person an honest friend at a time, normally only to lose touch with them later on for one reason or another. A difference of opinions, character, life, or simply because that person decided after my returning to them so many times over, they could not bear to return the favor.. Phantom reader, I'll tell you now that I try to fix things between myself and those I hold close -at whatever point in time- in hopes of not resulting in my becoming a friend-hopper of sorts. I do. If we have a rough bout, I will talk to them. See if it is really worth letting roll off or not.
My most recent dejection of friends came, honestly, months ago. But considering I see this person daily, it really bothers me that everything I used to call a friendship with her just fizzled out, and when I decided to let her decide if she wanted to patch things up and work it out, I never heard a peep. So. There was no real closure.. And every time I so much as look at her, I just feel like chucking a book across the room at her face. For never making an effort to talk to me when things seemed to be wavering. I was always the one to do it. And never once did she say anything those times about going back to her old friends when things straightened out with them. Why should I always be the first to raise my hand and address a problem? As much as she said she didn't want things to work out badly between us, I think it's pretty damn ironic that the one time she has an entirely open opportunity to prove that, she blows it off and ditches me.
Now, I'm not saying I still want to be friends with her. That done and over with, obviously. Can't turn back time, yadda yadda. But I hate feeling like this, and I refuse to be the first this time to stand up. Catch-22, yes, but I have my pride. And to collapse when another is too stubborn to be the first to speak, without being asked to, is just demeaning. Is it really so much to request?
And the last I rememebr of 'hanging out' with her in person, she had finally come back out of the movie theater, since she wanted me to take her to see her boyfriend (or ex- whatever he is now, I don't know) unbenounced to her own parents. She says she's sorry if she seems like she's using me, as usual, I say it's fine, I understand, as usual, and she just leaves it at that. Every time we were out, she wanted to go see her bf. It wasn't really about hanging out with just us two anymore. It was about seeing if she could maybe talk me in to taking her to see him.
Oh, and my favorite memory -another visit to the bf of course- she wanted to go to his trailer before he went to work, at the theater. We go inside, meet his sister, uncle, whoever all those people were -they were the rest of his family pretty much- and go to his room to sit down. Awkward silence of course for the most part. They would claim I was welcome, but it was obvious I wasn't exactly a person they wanted hanging around while they enjoyed each other's company. "Hi, my name is Third Wheel.." No.. Obviously, I was not as welcome as they claimed. So I opted to go back outside to my car. They didn't really fight my decision. Surprise, surprsie. So I go outside. It's actually pretty damn hot in Memfric that day. Lucky me. After about a half-hour to an hour I was in the car, before just getting out and playing with my batons.
-I had left them in the trunk after a practice a few days before. Lucky that. It sucked more than you know being out there and not having anybody really care that I was bored out of my mind in an awkward place. But I should have known what I was getting into, shouldn't I have... I felt bad saying no when she always claimed she loved the guy. And I knew I was being childish when I said no because I didn't want to take her and have to deal with that idiot. I was always so positive when I said I would tell her no if I didn't want to take her anywhere. But I wavered under pressure. Not exactly common for me if you know me in person, even if it's not very well..--
Anyways, after about an hour or so, I get a call from my mother requesting that I set out the meat for dinner that night. Since I'm pretty much obligated, I go inside and tell them I have to go and take care of that. Tell her to call me if she needs me, and then I go. Come to find out, after I left, she decides to get on her knees for him and give him a blow-job. I found this out because she told me. Told me about how just before I came back the guy's grandpa had caught them, him with his pants down and her with her shirt off. And all just before I came back through the door from doing my thing. When we got to the car, she told me about it, but with a couple of changes, namely that they had only been making out nothing more. Only to change it later that night, of course... Yeah. Either way, I wasn't surprised either way, I guess. Still, it only made me mad. That she could be doing something like that. No conscience in sight regarding her friend.
This was just one instance, mind you. There have been a few things I have put up with while taking her to see that guy. Only to get a meager sorry later to reply 'don't worry about it' as it had become my default response for every time she seemed to be feigning regret. There was no regret. I'm sureof it. She got what she wanted and after all that, I never really hear from her again. I thought we were really close friends before he came into the picture. I did.. We could chat forever and joke and just enjoy hanging out. He comes into the picture and that chapter ended to open up to the one where I assumed the role as third wheel.
As usual, maybe I'm just being dramatic and selfish about it all, thinking of myself, but I feel used -even if I did agree to those things. She didn't have to ask. She didn't have to hide her relationship with him from her parents, even if she was sure they would not approve of their 16-year old dating a guy out of highschool by a year or so..
I just feel used. Used, and now forgotten. I'll repeat that I'm not interested in any more friendships with her, given how she would let it go so easily. I just want some closure here. To know why exactly she decided I was no longer worth her time. Why what I thought was a strong friendship at one time wouldbe left to crumble without so much as a backward glance..
******** it.
I often tell myself that I have trouble with letting go of the past. I don't let things roll off as easily as she does, or most of my peers do, I guess. Not sure how to change that, though..
I suppose that's the end of this week's rant. Even if it may not be accurate to a certain person that may read this, this is what I recall and how I feel about it all. That's it.
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