I feel...
...so much love inside me right now.
I just finished watching Fruits Basket, the last 4 episodes.
I...admire Tohru so much. How she can find something nice about everyone, how she's always more concerned about everyone else rather than her self, how she's so polite and well mannered and just...everything I wish I were.
People before have told me I posse such qualities...but for some reason, once I let them get close to me its as if the qualities go away. They don't...go away...but it seems as if I am nicer to people I don't know rather than those I claim to "hold closet to my heart"...why am I like that? Whats wrong with me...
There is my flaw...the thing that makes me undesirable. Unwanted. I try so hard to warn those who get involved with me...but they always claim...with that same stupid smile on their face, "It's ok!"
It's ok...
It's ok...
It's ok...
Liars...
Good for nothing liars...
God damn ******** liars...
It's never ok...people are so stupid...they always run head-first into something and then once they realize the true responcibilties that come they run away...so stupid...so arrogant...its so wrong...why can't they just accept the responcilbity they so foolishly exclaimed "It's ok!" to? ...I do...
I accept my responcibilties no matter how horrible they show themselves to be. No matter how hard it is, or how much something hurts...I said "It's ok!"...I said I was ready, I said I wanted this...so now I must deal with it.
But no...everyone runs away. Afraid...why?....its my fault...huh? I'm holding them back...I keep them from reaching their full potential...
I won't lie...I have concidered permanently leaving VersionX. In the past, even recently...there isn't anything wrong with the people, I love them all to death. But sometimes, I think they keep me from reaching my full potential. I want to go out, and meet new people and experiance what other guilds are like...I want to experiance all there is out there. Yet...I stay with them, loyal...I wonder if its pity...So many of the "loyal" members have already left. I'd be just another. I guess it is pity a little. I can't help but feel sorry for them because I love the guild as much as I do. We should be better....we should work harder...we can be so many things...and yet, I'm not even trying to better the guild at all...I rarely get on, except for WOE.
...I don't feel its any of those things though, you know? It's a game, I know...but back when I was first recruited, back when my hunter was still a little archer and I still belonged to Josh, I told them I would be loyal...I told them, I wouldn't leave. If I wasn't so fond of them...I would of left already. But the game...those people behind the sprites, mean so much to me. I made a promise...yes...they have their flaws, we have our fights and struggles...and when I was told that, I said, "It's ok~!"...and accepted my invitation in. I wouldn't take it back for anything. Maybe some actions I've done in the past...but I always want to be apart of them, and I want them to be apart of me.
In Fruits Basket....Tohru stressed how her mother told her to always be herself. Thats strange to me...people are always growing, changing, learning new things about the world and themselves...so how can you really "always be yourself"...if such things always occur? How I act now will differ in 20 years...how will I still "be myself"...I guess I am looking to much into that, though. All I know, is after watching the series I want to be more like Tohru than anything else.
When I was little...I never had anyone to look up to. My mom was always drugged up or drunk with her latest boyfriend for me to admire her and my father was either in jail or doing the same stuff as my mom...neither finished high school, went to college, or did anything else to "progress" in life...all I have are bad examples to look at, I hope when I have kids they can look up to me in a postive way. More postive than what I have to look forward to from my family. Back when I first got into anime...Sailor Moon was my favorite thing in the world. At the end, they'd always have the little "Sailor Moon Says:" thing, and I learned most of my cleanliness habits from there...have good hygeine, be nice to everyone, study hard...unfortunalty, I picked up the "clutz" thing from Serena too...you should see me some days, the messes I get into are so shameful.
And now...I wanna be like Tohru. No, I'm not gunna try and clone myself to be a perfect match. But some of her habits I admire...I wanna try to be. Even though her mom died she still was strong and kept a smile on her face...thats like being tough no matter what troubles befall you. She was so nice and curtious to everyone and just...
Well...I guess I am like Tohru in more ways than I thought. But unlike her, I won't let anyone walk all over me. She was to much of a pushover...and the only thing I disliked about th series was that it was trying to say if you let yourself be pushed around things will be fine...like on the...er...third episode from the last one, Akito told her that he was going to make her suffer, and make her life unbareable. All she did, was sit there and let him make her feel worse. Me...hell no, I would had some damn guts and said soemthing back to him. I wouldn't let him try to put me down like that...I don't care if he would of hit me, or hurt me, or cussed me out or whatever...nobody talks to me like that. I'm a human being and I deserve to be treated with respect and no one is ever going to tell me otherwise.
I hate Akito...he's so much like my mom. Always trying to hurt me and put me down and make me feel like less of a person just because I don't do what she wants me to do. The whole Souma family let him push them around like that...
Just 'cause he was the damn clan leader doesn't mean anything...such ideals are primitive...just so...useless.
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