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-I remember walking with my family over to Starbucks and seeing a bunch of kids my age hugging and kissing and stuff. I felt jealous. I felt left out. There's no way I'd ever find love. There's no hope someone would just pick me off my feet and tell me that I was beautiful, handsome or anything, not after what people told me just to push me down. So I never got up again..

-Love was everywhere, gaia, movies, mangas and books. Everywhere I turned, 'love' or 'romance'. It made me sick looking at it. Made me sick just thinking about it. Afraid I'd never get the chance to feel it again. The sworn anger and depression welled up inside me for the hate I had of just seeing two people together. Crying over chick flicks thinking OMG WHY CAN'T I HAVE THAT?!. Even my sister, who had a love got me extremely envious. She had the chance to be with him and sometimes leave me alone just to be with him. It's like the numbing thought of, "Why can't I have that? I have nearly close to nothing, and I need something I can finally call my own.."

-Time ticks by with me feeling nothing. I felt dreaded to find some of my former loves to have new people in their lives of which, I thought were very very unsuited for them. I thought if anything that would look right next to them, it should be me. A very selfish thought, but that's how I think when I really wanted something. That feeling to feel special to someone again..

-Eventually I gave up. It wasn't worth it to go looking for something that is tied within fate. I turned to forcing myself to fall in love with myself. No matter how narcissistic that sounded. I needed to fill that empty void within myself so I constantly tried to change myself to see what I preferred in the mirror. Letting my hair go layered, wearing some clothes I would never wear before. Living in a false world in my head where people loved me, and wanted to be me. Like a puppet in my own little game of a world. A demon possessing me to think in a way.

-My world was made up with many of my ficticious characters. They were made up of all my different personalities, insecurities, and hopes and dreams. I relied on making them to make myself feel better. All my mind's children there to comfort me.

-I never believed in finding love in a communicator that reaches a thousand miles away. I never knew this could be an S.O.S. to find people outside of the world I live in. I never knew I could find someone who'd like me for who I was rather than looking at me and telling me I was ugly. Hehe. That is, until I found my shining prince. <3

-Gaia is a place where you roleplay, chat, make friends. I just used this place as an escape from my real world. I was exhausted from the other kids humiliating me in front of a big crowd and the endless work from school in which I never saw a point to. I used to rely on roleplaying to make me feel like someone I could be. Be someone who was so regal and better than who I could be on daily bases. The funny thing is, when I saw people in love with others in their siggies, I was like, "Awww.. I want someone to put in my sig one dayy.. T ~T". Though, rather I thought that I'd be strange to be in love with someone you never saw everyday. I thought it was silly and stupid. I thought love could only happen if you could actually /feel/ that person next to you. Turns out I was wrong.

-Through Gaia I met a lot of interesting people who lived very far or just a few miles away or people I see in school but never talked to. I got to know them and what they really are. Which made me feel good knowing they can share a tale with me and be comfortable about that. As things go by, these friends leave eventually and render me lonely and tired. It was redundant; and through these friends I wanted to find someone, or something to make my days on the computer worthwhile.

-At this point of my life I was still the narcissist. Drawing my avi and only my avi. It eventually shaped out a calling out to myself. It reminded me how much I wanted someone who I can draw perfectly and admire it instead of drawing myself and admiring it. Even which, when I drew my closest friends in gaia, they weren't /That/ perfect compared to how I drew me.

-I owe it all to my gaian sis. Whom I've grown close to in about a year now. Hehe. She too has shared things with me in which I treasure.
"01/11/2008 6:11 pm
ProjectPIKA
»» [ ;D
No prob. >w<
You're so cute~ x3
You are officially my brother. >w< ]"

The very comment she left me.
Okayokay.
Maybe not for a year.
But the first time I ever met her was when I gave her an icon with 'pikatoast' on it.
:3

-If not me meeting her, she wouldn't have found my prince whom I adore today. At first, I was /very/ afraid of falling for him. I was afraid the love would be like myself and a past love I used to care for deeply only reject my words and throw me in the dust. I told myself I would never let my guard down. Because it had cost me deeply in the past..

-It was strange. I got so worried over a person living miles away from me. Eventually that turned into a sense of dependency and a bit of wanting that person to know how special I was. I was confused of this feeling within me. It was like hot water boiling in my chest and my heart beating twice if not, more times fast. My hands shook typing goodbye feeling or being afraid like I'd never see them once more. I constantly tried to get on to try to talk to them again. Wishing my school days would be over fast and soon to get back on and talk to my sweetie. The mind was saying that this was a bad thing because what if they really didn't love me? Though my heart continued to egg me on.

-I got to know my prince through many messages. I was afraid of talking to him.. For the fact I could be interrupting something going on with him. Heh, I thought I was always the last thing on my prince's royal mind.

-As drawing goes, my prince became my muse. Someone I can draw and try to perfect. I always drew what was on my mind. In this case, it was my prince. I totally forgot about all the other things I had to draw.. I totally forgot the work I had to do. All I wanted was to draw him and only him.

-When things came to things, I totally disregarded my love for myself. I realized I wanted to love someone else. And I knew who that someone else was..

-My love was my Andrena. I didn't care what they were. I just wanted to feel special in their eyes. Calling them various petty names. Making sure he was okay everyday. Getting on actually /early/ due to our time differences. And not to mention I was rather depressed everytime my internet connection wouldn't work.

-My Andrena, my words cannot express how lucky I am to have you. It's unfortunate you live a lot of miles away from me. I wish I could be with you to hold your hand through things and hug you when times are bad or snuggle when the weather is cold. I wish you could be here when people push me around so you can tell them to ******** off, help me when I'm sick or eat my omelettes and crepes I make for breakfest. Then at teatime you can have some tea and crumpets.

-I told you I would never hurt you. I mean it. I told you I was infatuated with you. And I mean it. I told you you were always on my mind. And you are. I'd never go with anyone but you. Hehe. Forget prom if I can't spend it with the one I love! I want to go around the world with you. Take you to every peril and adventure I face. I want you to always be there for me. I want to climb mount everest with you and scream at the top, "I LOVE MY ANDRENA!". Then we can live in Alaska. I want to be there with you to snuggle in the cold weather and watch the auroras at nighttime until the dawn breaks to watch the sun wake. Then we could ride polar bears together.. <3

-I'll forever be yours.
Your fallen angel (demon), your love, and your only one.
Love, Lea.