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I've noticed a change in myself recently. I act more emotionally and usually I'm happier. The world around me seems more colorful (literally). I notice things the old me would have dismissed before. Like trees turning color and how beautiful the world can be. I never used to see things like that. Small things make me happy. It's easier to talk to people. I like this change.

I used to be sort of detached and apathetic to the point of being emotionless both inside and out. I had sort of formed a protective barrier around my heart and emotions. In a way, I like how I was. I was never really happy but I never was really sad either. It was like a trade ~ in exchange for emotions like "love" and "happiness" I wouldn't have to feel emotions like "anger" and "sadness" as sharply as I do now. I was never really disappointed in people because I never expected anything of them to begin with. My world was in shades of "gray" so to speak. Nothing was as bright or sharp feeling. My reality was dulled ~ I neither felt true happiness nor true disappointment.

It's easier not to feel emotions. The scraped knees of childhood are nothing compared to the broken hearts of adolescence. I'm too young to know anything but this. I don't know what it's like to be an adult. I've only been alive 16 years. I suppose one could say I'm at the crossroads between childhood and adulthood. A precarious time. "Teen angst" is different when you're the one living it.

Would you trade your emotions for the inability to feel pain?
Sometimes I think I would. I'm a coward that way.

Being in love is constant happiness and peace but it is also very painful and full of inner turmoil. It is soothing and painful. It is joy and misery.

People who say "you're too young to know what it's like to fall in love" have a point. I'm too young to know very much about the world. They are also wrong. Dead wrong. People can fall in love at any age at any time. Sometimes it's hard to tell weather the emotion is "love" or "lust" or "obsession" or "infatuation". It's hard to tell a lot of the time.

I think I'll always have a side of me that stands coldly by and watches my emotional actions with disgust and distain. Saying "I told you so" when I'm disappointed or let down. Also saying things like "I told you it's better not to become attached to people. In the end it will only cause you pain". That side has a very good point. It is better to be able to judge situations with your head rather than your heart. But situations with other people often call for responses from the heart rather than a logical response from the head.

Does it strike you as slightly ironic that I said I'm happy that I'm changing and then went on to list why the old me was better and why having emotions is kind of... poo?

Japanese for the day:
Kami-Sama
God

Kami
Paper

Kami
Hair