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On The Edge
Waiting on the unknown to show itself is sometimes so scary. The hardest part I believe,is being patient.
I realize I'm not going to know my every move, but most of the time, it's pretty predictable. A little irritated here, a little aggravated there; push it down, shove it to the back, don't let it show, suck it up! C'mon, you can handle it!
Well, that's not the case all the time. I feel I'm on the edge. I feel like a time bomb ticking away. One more thing and then a KABOOM!!
Many have told me that I'm so strong but I don't feel that way. Most of the time the others out there who are in pain, are the ones who really understand and want to help but can't 'cause they need help themselves.
I really don't know what keeps me from just laying down and dying. Is it the little bit of sanity that I do have that tells me what I've always been told? "Suck it up and go on! If you break down your weak, C'mon you can handle it! What's your problem?"
Just thinking back to way back then brings alot of bad memories, can I ever make them go away?
Living on the edge for some is a choice, for others it's a way of life. Scraping and borowing, hocking, and making great sacrifices to suit for your family.
Wandering from day to day if we're going to be okay. Am I going to be avle to pay the rent? Do we have enough food? Are the bills being paid? Can I keep my job, or will I ever get a job?
In order for me to keep my stress level down, I have to vent my feelings when I feel nlike a pressure cooker ready to explode. But when I explode, I blow big and it kinda scares me as well as it scares whomever it lands on.
I want to erase or at least get rid of the pain and anger, but the only way that is going to happen is if I break down and open my mouth and talk about the past to put it to rest.
I can't bring myself to do that because it's too hard and too painful to relive those memories. Once you've learned to be quiet and put on a facade, it becomes an automatic reaction.
I wish I was a computer and that my owner could go through and delete all the hurt, anger and pain. I guess I'm the owner and the computer is my brain and heart and I have to control what stays in and what is erased. I know the keys to use, but I'm waisting my time by waiting for the right time.
Right time, there is no right time, I just have to do it and once I start, I cannot allow myself to stop. If I ever stop, I will NEVER try again.
I have failed at enough things in life to know when to just quit trying. If I don't get this right, then my life isn't right. I'm too far down into the river and drowned over 100 times and it can't be changed.
Written By Claysong/kokopelliqueen
10-27-96
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