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Cullenitus: Illness of the Century
Brought to you by P.A.S.I.V (parents against Sparkly Insecure Vampires)
In the world today, millions of poor innocent young girls are gaining an incurable disease known as Cullenitus, or Sparkly Insecure Vampire Syndrome. This illness is becoming a widespread epidemic. It has been known for making well behaved girls, act out in shocking ways. Sometimes causing harmless civilians to go deaf from their, high pitched screams, and the young ladies themselves to lose their voice because of the screaming. It has spread into the homes of American families where teenaged girls and pre-teens alike, causing chaos and unimaginable un-lady like behavior. An urgent warning has stricken fear into everyone’s hearts. Parents are now being cautioned to refrain from purchasing products and memorabilia pertaining to ‘Twilight’.
Due to this frightening epidemic we have researched many signs to see if your child or teenager is infected with this incurable disease. The signs may seem minor but they are all part of a larger more atrocious infection of the pubescent mind. Through this public service announcement we are releasing, there is a warning for you and everyone you come into contact with amongst your normal everyday life. It is incredibly contagious, just being in the same room with a contaminated person can and will lead to an infection in your household.
Starting with the first sign, we give you fangirling (fanboying) slang terms for a person obsessing over an ‘entertaining’ book, and movie, which the amazing author Stephen King agreed with (Stephen King on msn). Which, normally results in bad fan fiction; and high pitched screaming yet to break the sound barrier (Urban Dictionary); only if the subject at hand corresponds to ‘Twilight’. This stage can be hidden well; we suggest getting a net nanny of some sort for your computer, and install camera’s in your home for further supervision of all those susceptible to Cullenitus.
Sign two, excessive purchasing of memorabilia pertaining to ‘Twilight’ and its characters (One poster is aloud per every two people in the household). If you have an excessive amount of items the epidemic will quickly spread throughout the household at an alarming rate (A large amount of items is anything over, the books and one in the household). However, items can be kept hidden, so keep an eye on your child’s behavior, making sure it isn’t forced, erratic, and or sneaky. Common signs of hiding things would be, sneaking out of their rooms late at night, to get on the computer, and other things that would be considered sneaking around.
Sign three; the last sign of the horrid infection, also the most dangerous sign is becoming a Cullenite that is where they hang off of every word written by Stephanie Meyer. They normally avoid parties involving alcohol, breaking laws, and or staying up late as most teens seem to prefer this type of partying over reading, this is not so with a Cullenite. This is the most dangerous stage of the illness and is the one where their screams can and will break the sound barrier. Other signals to the sign are:
‘1. The reaction a fan girl has to any mention or sighting of the object of her "affection". These reactions include shortness of breath, fainting, high-pitched noises, shaking, fierce head shaking as if in the midst of a seizure, wet panties, endless blog posts, etc.’ As stated in Urban Dictionary (Urban Dictionary).
After all of this, please remember that no matter how tragic this illness is, Cullenitus is only a temporary, while incurable illness, it will go away after a few years or so. So watch your children carefully, because once they contract this infection there will be no cure.
Frenchie. "Urban Dictionary." Urban dictionary. 28 November, 2008 <http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fangirling>.
Access Hollywood. "Stephen King." Stephen King says ‘Twilight’ author can’t write. 3 February, 2009 < http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29001524>.
 how do you open your eyes · Mon Jul 06, 2009 @ 07:09am · 1 Comments |
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