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Slipping Away/Slowly
Bright, shining, happy. . . that's what everyone sees from me. But they don't know. They never knew. They don't have a clue. They don't know what I hide every single day. They don't know how hard I try to control my emotions. They don't know what I feel inside. I hate this. I despise this. Why must things be like this? Why must I be like this? I look down on myself. I look down on that pathetic, sad little being that thinks she can hold it all in. All that lonliness. . . all that sorrow. . . all that misery. . . all that hate. I look in the mirror and see the reflection of a failure. That other person thinks she's got it bad. But she doesn't know. She'll never know. I'll never know. . . My worst fear is slowly become reality. I'm losing them. . . I'm losing the ones I love. Mother hates our life. . . she wants to leave. . . she wants to escape. She's not even like what a mother should be. Father and Brother find me pathetic. So they should. I can't do anything for myself. I always cling to others to help me out. I cling to their happiness. I thrive for their happiness. Without that, I have almost nothing. All I have is the three most important people in my life. . . the ones I can't live without. I love them. I love them all. Sister is my motherly figure. She's more Mom than sister. But slowly, ever so slowly, she's dieing. Of lung cancer. She's trying to live, and trying to create a new life. But we both fear of the worst possible outcome. My best friend in the entire universe; we've only been friends for three years, yet it seems like a live-time. We've had our fights. We've had our distrusts. And each fight we have, I feel that I'm slowly losing her. . . two people down, one to go. The last person is the most important. I don't know what I would do without him. I love him. I love him so much. . . As my needs for him grow, the reality that he's not here stabs me in the heart; penetrating that beating vessel deeper and deeper every time. Slowly, I die inside. Slowly, I go insane. Slowly, I lose my grip on reality; on my sanity. Slowly my greatest fear creeps closer and closer. The fear of being alone. The fear of having no one to catch me when I fall. The fear of having no one to back me up. Slowly, my life is slipping away and I just stand there watching it go by. . . I'm a coward. I'm lost in this world and I'll stay lost until that one single and special person who is so dear to me can find me and bring me back home.
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