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Thanks Jblade for your words, they made me feel a lot better. 3nodding Your a great friend.

The knife thing didn't work for me. I looked at the stupid thing for a half n hour or so, contemplating how much it would hurt and the many excuses I would need to think of if someone asked what happened. I decided aganist it, and had my sis throw it out into the dumpster incase I would of had any second thoughts.

I decided to read the lessons in school more, limit myself on daydreams, and suck up to the teachers as I can. Nothing to obvious, which may make my classmates jealous or angry towards me; but with the teacher from India all I have to do is say 'How are you today' and other little things to win her favor. I called her a bad teacher a while ago, I think thats why I had a C in her class. I didn't understand the material though and she refused to help me. I was fustrated and sick of her excuses and of being ignored, so I let myself go. I should have known better; a 90% A would have made me feel alot better than that stupid C. For my grades I am willing to swallow my pride and do what needs to be done; afterall, I don't have any rich relatives who will help me if I fail in school. If I fail its all over for me, and this struggle I put myself into would have been for no reason and I cannot back out now when I am so close to a diploma. 3nodding

Onii-san sent me a PM, but I'm kind of afraid to read it. I opened it and all, I'm just afraid to scroll down and read it. I don't know why, I noticed my behavior towards him is somewhat irracit (I know I spelled that wrong sweatdrop ) and I can't explain why I am how I am sometimes. Its so akward.

Mom works late tonight. Which means I will have to cook dinner. I don't want to at all, I hate cooking in this godforsaken hellhole; but unlike her, I care if everyone eats dinner or not. She eats out with her boyfriend most of the time and does god only knows what with this man who is 30years older than her; so when she comes home shes to tiered and to lazy to cook us anything except quick stuff she can muster together before its time for the younger ones to go to bed.

I really hate my life.

We get out of school early tommrow. And thanks to the holiday my teacher's are giving us little work. I miss going to the suburban school so much now...I would of had a project to do this Thanksgiving Break, instead of louging around with nothing else to do. I miss having work to do, I miss always having a project or two for me to fret on.

I am taking the ACT soon; I'm kind of scared, 'cause I have to take the SAT too. Those tests matter so much when colleges look to recruit me, and when we did the practice I did so poorly. Well, xd on the SAT I almost had a perfect; but the ACT (which matters, sweatdrop I think) I had a 'average' grade. scream Average will not get me into a good college!

Beh...I will just try harder. I've been such a slacker lately; I'm ready to throw my net away because I think it may be the cause. I doubt it is, I have so many other stressful situations going on which are the explanation...but my net just...I don't know...I think its a people thing, really. I want to go into it more, but a few people I know browse through this jounal and I won't hurt anyone needlessly. I need to get my priorities straight.

I am really sick of these wanna be punk people in my school. I don't know what punk is, but they certainly are not it and I am sick of being around that sort of stuff. They're so fake, living their lives like magazines say they should; I have always thought 'punk' meant rebel, but they're all just going through a phase and when they get out of high school they'll be the losers workin minimum wage at the grociery store for trying to live a fake life they think is cool because its 'diffrent'. stare What a lame excuse to stand out, and the majority of these so called 'punks' in my school are just following what they see on TV; following what their latest fave band is. I used to adore those punks, but now I see they're a waste of my time. scream

I feel so dazzed right now. I am trying to figure out what I need to do to protect myself and my happiness but I just don't know what to do. I want to be safe and alright; but can I even do that on my own? I can't, I'm human...I'm a 16 year old girl and I know I need someone to be around me. Its so sad, really...I always thought I was so strong and independant. I always thought I didn't need anybody. I always thought those things in my mind woudl keep me happy; but when I start to realize how little that matters in the longrun...I just become confused on what I should do.

No reason to dwell on that now. Chris and Kev are on yahoo and I better get to them before someone freaks and thinks somethin is wrong with me. But before that I'm going to read Onii-sans PM. It should bring some highlight to my day.