He is so sweet, but so cruel at the same time. I felt bad about what happened today. I honestly did not plan for it to work that way. True, I did not care at the time, but I made Him feel bad. I felt bad too. All day, since last night. Maybe it was partially lovesickness (it really is awful) and partially some bad raviolli. Whatever it was, it sort of carried over into today, on top of more lovesickness. This caused one depressed me.
I wish I could stay happy and hyper all the time. Gods how I wish. Maybe not so much hyper as happy, but when I'm happy and and bouncy He enjoys my company more. However, I seem incapable of having one main emotion like most others do. It sucks, to put it bluntly.
The bad thing today was that I missed the bus. I feel as if my day has crumbled and fallen apart if I do not get to do everything as I planned, especially when it involve Him. Don't get me wrong, I know it sounds as if He is the only thing in my life, but I do care alot about my friends and family. He just means so much to me in such a different way. I digress. I waited for Him on the corner like I usually do and, though I knew it would be wise to ive up and get ont he bus, I couldn't just turn away. Finally He came around the corner and my lovesick self just headed straight for Him. There was no controlling it.
I hadn't eaten anything. There isn't enough time to eat at school. A very bad thing, considering I'm only just getting to the right weight. I have no fat left to go on without food. After I saw my bus pull away, I suddenly felt a little hopeless. I had been getting rides home most of the two weeks. I knew if I called my mom she would be angry and she was. I didn't get ahold of her at first, so I kind of panicked. I asked Him if I could just walk to His apartment complex and wait for her there. He said yeah, but then I guess he thought that I meant that I wanted to stay at His house and wait for her. He had plans, so he felt bad about leaving me, but he wasn't about to abandon His plans (and I knew he shouldn't). Because I had panicked for virtually no reason at all, I felt weaker than before and my voice got shakey.
Lucky for me, my friend showed up. She lives in the same apartment complex as He does. I told her I missed my bus and She said I could walk with her. He gave me some money for food, and She and I went off while He went about his plans. He drove down the street we walked, even though it was out of his way. It was so sweet of him. he gave me a ride to my friends house and showed concern for my icky feelingness. I sent him "hug vibes" so He held his arm out to hug me goodbye. I felt so special. I still need to remind myself not to get too hopeful though. I may just end up causing myself pain if I do. Thanks to my friend, i got somefood in me and wasn't left all alone back at school.
I visited another friend of mine. she has been my friend for a very long time, though we are not as close as I am with my other friends. I worry alot about her. She doesn't have alot of the things I do. I wish for things to get better for her.
He hasn't called me tonight, but if he doesn't after I go upstairs to do homework I will look at it in a positive way. At least I will have a lot to say to him tomorrow. This has run long, so I'll have to stop here.
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My brain makes words.
If I need to talk but have no one to talk to or I feel I need to write through my problems, it goes here. I do not use names. If I do, it's because I either have no respect for the person, or I accidentally slipped.
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