... Me. This is saddening.
They've shared better moments than I'll ever do with her. He's more romantic than I'll ever be to her. She's closer to him than I'll ever be to her. She deserve him more than me, yet my ego won't make me let her go. Sorry if you're reading this Susan, I hate to admit that really I love you and want you to love me as much as I love you, even though I realize you deserve better. Sorry if all these sounded pathetic.
Sigh, bringing this up makes me dislike myself even more. Why? Why do I love digging up the past and then dawdle on it? Why do I spend my life remembering the happy past, or trying to fix what's already been done? Why do I even care what people are thinking about me? Why do I even bother trying to impress people? So many question I've asked myself and ironically I didn't even care to answer them. It feels really pathetic that I'm thinking of trivial things like this.
I disappoint myself a lot in life, and I'm afraid this isn't going to cease anytime soon. The things I do are so irrational and so indifferent sometimes I forget what I really want to be, then end up in a situation so low decisions wouldn't even matter and change would be too late. Often times I've tried to blame my past, then I realized other people had it worse than me and I should just move on. I should really move on and leave all the pathetic in me behind.
Or maybe this is just some confidence issue that I've been having since young, not wanting to try because of not wanting to disappoint. Or it could be that I'm just a shy person and I'm letting a speck of dirt affect my life.
Could it also be that I just want to be different? But instead of being a kid injecting himself with drugs or actually being useful to society I'm just going to be as average as everyone else could be. That doesn't even make sense! My rebellious attitude and my chaotic thinking processes are conflicting each other really severely.
Or maybe this is truly based on my upbringing... It's funny because I actually caused it. I lied to my parents and said lies caused their divorce. I don't see why I'm not to be blamed for my own invariable consequence. Writing these actually made me feel proud, but really: why? It's like being proud that you killed an innocent, it's like being proud that you lied to a child who had trusted in you.
This could go on for ages. Point is made: I am pathetic. Making this post just because of something trivial has indeed proven the point.
... ... ...
This is probably why I shouldn't have too much caffeine. It's quite the cause of my depressing thoughts. Or maybe I just don't like drinking this boring ol' tea with heaps of sugar added in it. Maybe I'm having way too much time doing nothing.
They say keeping your mind preoccupied can make you a lot happier, and they are probably correct.
I actually really love her, and I hope it (and this entire journal entry) does not scare her.
Oh, and sorry for stalking you and your exes ._. I WAS CURIOUS OKAY? D: THE CAT IS DEAD. OR PROBABLY STILL ALIVE. BUT MORE LIKELY THAT IT'S DEAD NOW, EVEN THOUGH THERE IS A POSSIBILITY OF IT BEING ALIVE.
Nuke RavenFire Community Member 
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