I hate it. I hate everything. I feel like I've lost myself again. My happiness I had. The people I've loved. It's all gone. And what do I do about it? Nothing, like usual. Because I always tell myself "have faith, it'll get better"... No. No it won't. I'm here because of the decisions others and myself have made... Out of fear, anger, and hatred. Out of hope and false trust. I mean what is my own relationship reduced too? Walking into a room with the man you're married to, smiling warmingly at him, and watching as he gets up and walks away. Right past you? The instant feeling of emptiness and loneliness? 6 In January I was the happiest I had been in years. An amazing, perfect man (so it seemed), a job, my own home. The perfect relationship. Love. Health...
Now, I can't help but sit across the room, watch him sext other girls as he receives sexual pictures from them as If I wasn't even in the room. Me knowing the only reason he's still here is because "its not manly to leave a woman dying". Why's it matter? It hurts knowing you, my husband, have already left me in heart. Whats the difference? It's to late to make a change. My body doesn't have the strength. My heart doesn't have the strength. My friends are gone for life. The man I loved is gone. Too far away from me.
Every night I stare into the darkness praying, for hours, or until I'm exhauste from crying. I need my wings. I want them back. So when I die I'll be happy. Like all of this wasn't for nothing. All this pain. All this suffering... The demons have such a grip in me. They dig their claws into my skin and burn into my dreams. They know I've lost. Yet I fight with all my might because I'm equipped with the weapons... But a weapon is no use to the weak and sick. They know I'm gone. I scream at them the words of power, but they have stopped working... They are breaking my life apart. Ripping it from the seams. Ripping out my soul. I can feel the tugging. It's physically exhausting. emotionally wearing on me. I promised I would try. I am. But I don't know how long my mind, my body can take this. So if my mind or my body fails. Please forgive me. I love you. I love my faith. But remember, all the damage is done. You can't sail a ship with holes for long. It will sink.
I've been broken down. And the strength I have will only last for so long. But I will try. I will wake up in the morning, exhausted and cold. Weak and shaking, and when I finally find the strength, I'll get up and sit on the couch. Read my Bible. Try to make food, and even try harder to eat. Wait for him to come home, just to try to hide the hurt and the dying. Physically and emotionally. Then I will lay down, wait for him to sleep and pray. Cry. Sleep. Then I'll do it all again. I will smile and be gentle like the Bible instructs me. Endure my marriage. Like the Bible tells me. Because I want my wings. Trying like I promised you. Suffering for you. And you get angry because I don't make changes... This is all why. All of it to get my wings back for you. Like I promised. Now, I will get ready for bed, fall asleep alone because my husband is out in the living room. Texting other women. I will cry and beg for help in prayer. Getting my wings back... Like I promised, while pretending none of this is real.
Now, I can't help but sit across the room, watch him sext other girls as he receives sexual pictures from them as If I wasn't even in the room. Me knowing the only reason he's still here is because "its not manly to leave a woman dying". Why's it matter? It hurts knowing you, my husband, have already left me in heart. Whats the difference? It's to late to make a change. My body doesn't have the strength. My heart doesn't have the strength. My friends are gone for life. The man I loved is gone. Too far away from me.
Every night I stare into the darkness praying, for hours, or until I'm exhauste from crying. I need my wings. I want them back. So when I die I'll be happy. Like all of this wasn't for nothing. All this pain. All this suffering... The demons have such a grip in me. They dig their claws into my skin and burn into my dreams. They know I've lost. Yet I fight with all my might because I'm equipped with the weapons... But a weapon is no use to the weak and sick. They know I'm gone. I scream at them the words of power, but they have stopped working... They are breaking my life apart. Ripping it from the seams. Ripping out my soul. I can feel the tugging. It's physically exhausting. emotionally wearing on me. I promised I would try. I am. But I don't know how long my mind, my body can take this. So if my mind or my body fails. Please forgive me. I love you. I love my faith. But remember, all the damage is done. You can't sail a ship with holes for long. It will sink.
I've been broken down. And the strength I have will only last for so long. But I will try. I will wake up in the morning, exhausted and cold. Weak and shaking, and when I finally find the strength, I'll get up and sit on the couch. Read my Bible. Try to make food, and even try harder to eat. Wait for him to come home, just to try to hide the hurt and the dying. Physically and emotionally. Then I will lay down, wait for him to sleep and pray. Cry. Sleep. Then I'll do it all again. I will smile and be gentle like the Bible instructs me. Endure my marriage. Like the Bible tells me. Because I want my wings. Trying like I promised you. Suffering for you. And you get angry because I don't make changes... This is all why. All of it to get my wings back for you. Like I promised. Now, I will get ready for bed, fall asleep alone because my husband is out in the living room. Texting other women. I will cry and beg for help in prayer. Getting my wings back... Like I promised, while pretending none of this is real.
