Hello again Journal. Although I had an exciting and rather long day of sitting in a car for 8 hours and going to see the Grand Canyon, I came home not to relax, but to torture myself. Yes, I said torture myself. It isn't just now though, it was basically all day. When you're in a car for so long, the most you can do is stare out into the sky and think about whatever comes up in your head. Of course some of the thoughts were about my love lost. Shame. It didn't bother me too much. He messaged me this morning but I never replied. After all, he doesn't deserve a reply mainly because he didn't reply to my last message. Plus, it was on a topic I didn't understand of.
When I came home, that is when I began to torture myself. I had decided to get on this laptop and attempt to make a new song based off of the inspiration of Porter Robinson. I had passed the iMovie icon and decided to watch some of my old videos that I made in the past. The first one I watched was a memory video from 2012-2013. Then the second one, "All good things must end". As soon as the first couple of pictures came on to my screen, I found myself in tears. Fantastic. Throughout the whole video, I cried. Yet I smiled. Because I forgot what we looked like together, and all this time I tried to avoid him and his face. I knew what we did together but looking at the photos reminded me of the feelings that I had and the more deeper things we went through together, emotionally. Oh why must I torture myself by looking at these beautiful yet painful photos? My head thinks so differently than how reality is set to be. I think that if he were to see this video again, he were to remember what we went through and that he would realize how much he misses me and what he threw away. In my head, I think this, but would it really be true in reality? I honestly don't know. All I know is that I hope it would be. Why must I torture myself? Why oh why..?
When I came home, that is when I began to torture myself. I had decided to get on this laptop and attempt to make a new song based off of the inspiration of Porter Robinson. I had passed the iMovie icon and decided to watch some of my old videos that I made in the past. The first one I watched was a memory video from 2012-2013. Then the second one, "All good things must end". As soon as the first couple of pictures came on to my screen, I found myself in tears. Fantastic. Throughout the whole video, I cried. Yet I smiled. Because I forgot what we looked like together, and all this time I tried to avoid him and his face. I knew what we did together but looking at the photos reminded me of the feelings that I had and the more deeper things we went through together, emotionally. Oh why must I torture myself by looking at these beautiful yet painful photos? My head thinks so differently than how reality is set to be. I think that if he were to see this video again, he were to remember what we went through and that he would realize how much he misses me and what he threw away. In my head, I think this, but would it really be true in reality? I honestly don't know. All I know is that I hope it would be. Why must I torture myself? Why oh why..?
