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I'm starting to get the hint I say some things here that would be better off left in my head. I admit though, I don't really ******** care; because believe me, if I did I wouldn't type it here. I don't care what you people think, so read on if you want.

I'm like...confused hurt right now. I'm looking around for answers that just don't seem to be existant anylonger.

I wanna break stuff~like Avril Lavigne did in that one video. Just smash and shatter s**t until my primal instints are satisfied and I can operate like a 'normal' person does. You know, making myself ignorant to the world and living in a happy place that I go to to force myself to believe that everything will be okay.

God...word's can't describe this way I am feeling now. I don't believe I have ever been 'confused-hurt' before. As I have stated entries before, if ever I am hurt I react with angry and hatred...but this confusion that has wrapped itself around my hurt is just to strong for me to really do anything.

I feel like I'm high, starring forward into a blurred future and traveling from a vivid past. So many thoughs are spinning in my head now, and I am not 100% sure what I should do.

Part of me want's to hit someone and kick their ******** brains out...and the other part wants to run away and hide somewhere where my cries won't be heard. Where I can wallow in my own despair and handle on my own, which I am so very used to. Its unusual for me to feel this way, where the two emotions are so evenly weighed out...

Its like I'm doing this emotion ' neutral ' in my head and on my face. I'm trying to figure if I should destroy or just run away.

People are so selfish...no matter who they are, or how much faith you have in a person...they just are. Every person I look at who is in my life now and in the past is like that; people are so selfish. I'm ******** sick of it. I know I have my selfish points as well, but I try to give everyone myself fully and devotedly; everyone I do this with. Yet no one else is willing to give me the same, I try to ******** hard with people...I let them get away with to much.

Why the hell do I keep putting myself through this?

I can admit though, my friend Joker isn't like that. I can't recall his real name but he's in my siggy if you ever happen to catch him. I will also admit we don't talk much, we havn't become involved in more detailed subjects besides common casual chat; so for all I know he could be like everyone else as well.

I put myself in thsi akward situation. I caused all of this confusion and chaos within me. I should stop it; I should change and die away. I should be reborn again. I adore that idea, words cannot describe how much I do. Its so easy to just fade away too, people are so easily forgotten and I know from previous experiances it occur's especially with me. I am so easily forgotten.

I am special to no one. Many people I know claim I am oh so very special to them, but actions speak louder than words. One cannot go on being ignored long enough before they end up in a state such as I have found myself in. This confusion is so unnessasary, since I don't matter to anyone I have just come to realize that more.

Lets not continue not naming these people who have claimed their defined 'love' and 'fondness' towards me. My mom, Todd, Brandon, Kevin, Onii-san, Shadow, and Kevin.

So why do I name them here? Quiet frankly, I don't give a ******** anymore. Maybe it's because I'm cramping like hell, or perhaps my hangover still feels like it hasn't left, or maybe even because I can't breath at all because I have a horrid cold, oh wait....maybe its just because I'm ******** sick of everyone who means something to me just ignoring me.

Someone may nag at me 'But JBlade doesn't talk to you much anymore either.' Yea, so what. It's Tenshi, she's been my friend for many years now and I know her well enough to be fine with the fact she has a busy life because she's just so close to me like that. I can't be mad at the person I share my longest friendship with, and plus, LeeAnna is to cool for me to be upset with.

I'm defining what brough this all up suddenly, I am sure I pinpointed what it is. Shadow can't get his RO to work, so we can't hang out anymore which leaves me all alone on Ragnarok. Kevin starts his new job tommrow, so we will practically never be able to talk anymore which depresses me more than words can say, and I already feel I know how this will turn out; were going to break up because we won't be able to hang out at all anymore. If we lived closer it wouldnt be a problem, but we don't; of course, I am going to do everyhing in my power not to let that happen because I love Kevin very much and I don't want it to happen, so I am going to try. Who know's, maybe he won't have to work all day afterschool and we can still be happy and chatting. But thats besides the point. What iced my cake today was when Onii-san PMed me and said that.....

::sigh:: I worry to much about him and that he just wants to chat when we run into eachother and that he know's it selfish but thats just what seems best to do. ******** was a bit of an intermission there. I started crying. It was weird. I haven't .... felt emotion like that since I Greg called me a ******** cry baby and that he didn't want to be with me anymore. I didn't cry because I was sad...but because...just hurtish pain was all I could feel. It like hurt to type that, wow am I pathetic.

I feel like I did something wrong, and I'm confused as hell. I don't know, maybe I'm just stupid, I never thought it was bad to worry about someone...and...I don't know now. What did I do wrong? I have such a crush on Onii-san...It reminds me of when I used to live with all those rich white kids in Westerville and like...like when I had the crush on A.J. and he liked me too, but he wouldn't be my boyfriend 'cause I am mixed and his parent's didn't like me because of that. I'm not saying its like that in anyway don't get me wrong, I'm just saying the level and kind of hurt is the same. Like I did something wrong but I don't know/understand what it is that I did and...it just hurts. I didn't mean to worry...I will not do it anymore. I promise on everything I know and love I won't. I won't worry or care or anything anymore if it will make him uncomfortable...but...I don't know...it hurts.....just to know...I will have to do that for now on...and I don't have a choice. For the simple fact I don't want Onii-san to go away...but I am confused and full of hurting emotions now I don't know what the hell to do...I don't know what the ******** an emo is and I keep being that and I don't know what the hell I am doing because I don't know what the ******** an emo even is.

Sometimes I feel like people are trying to help me so much, but they're help does nothing but damage me more...

I am going to get on Ragnarok now...and be alone, or with people who pretend to care for me and really don't. It seems I have surrounded myself with these sorts of people without even realizing it until now, when its obviously to late.

I hate my life.

I wish I would die.