|
I guess there were a few things I leave out when I talk to him. Great things that I really want him to know about. How things have been turning up because of him, how he's been helping me fix myself by being my inspiration...
But one major thing that I might point out, that I have left out, and is one thing that makes me cry alot, is that I had one dream that really had him in it. It wasn't some ordinary dream, neither was it odd. It was...something that perked me up on morning. A dream that brightened up my day and just...made me smile my whole day through. In other words, a very special dream. I can't believe I forgot to mention it to him.
It reminds me and keeps on telling me that we really belong together. That was the only dream I had that had him in it. See, I have dreamless sleeps. Whenever I have a dream, though, it's like some shitty one wherein it's like you can't understand a thing and it turns out it's a nightmare that doesn't make any sense. There's death and gore and loss. Those are the dreams I usually have, despite the fact that I don't have dreams when I sleep. If I'd analyze it just a little deeper, I might just understand it...But there was nothing that meant or said anything close to our separation or such. Ugh, even the thought of us apart makes me wanna die.
It's just that that dream keeps me going. It was a big boost on my wanting to be with him. Even without the dream, I would've wanted to be with him forever. he told me he would always need me. Now it's like he's blocking me out of his life. And it was so sudden that it just crushed me. I'm not even sure what triggered the outburst of his alter-ego this time. I really have to know. I have to bring him back. I have the power to bring him back. I have fended off Yami Hayato a few times, and I can still do it. I did before and it prolonged our relationship.
But what I think about is why or how he couldn't fight back his alter-ego. The clues he left just...puzzle me...I mean, they lead to numerous conclusions. They're driving me crazy. And it's like I can't exactly talk to him straight if ever we get to talk again and his feelings are totally gone and I'd be sure of it. Over the past 5 months, we've been...together through practically everything. But there are unavoidable voids because we're just not physically together.
And...I'm sure that I love him. I don't have to prove it. I accept him for who he is, how he is, and what he is. From the things he told me, things haven't been so good for him in the past 18 years of his life. Not to be vain, but I think I'm one of the best things he's ever gotten and still has. He'll always have me. And at that, it might just lead to me being used. And it's fine with me. As long as he uses me and no one else. I would never want to let anyone touch me. I only want him to.
I may sound so naive and feeble-minded. But I can't help it. He's beginning to help me back up being my inspiration to get my grades back up, and I must say I'm improving little by little. And this suddenly happens during this rise...it's just not right. Why now? Why ever? I mean...why?
These thoughts are driving me crazy. What is it really? I can't get you off my mind. I just can't. I refuse to forget. I won't. I don't want to. And besides. I can't. And if I'm gonna have to be like this, then so be it.
I always thought that he wanted the best for me. he even offered to give me up to Cou or back with my ex or something, saying that he figured that I'd be happier and seemed to be happier with someone else. I never said that. I did say that I would change just for him. And I did. And I've been doing everything he asks of me. But this is one thing that I can't do. I cannot forget him, if he wants me to. I can't hate him and push him away, if he wanted me to. I can't do anything about this, if this is really what he wants.
But it's confusing me. Yami Hayato said that. Hayato says that they are two different people. And things that he just blurts out that hurt me due to his anger would be Yami Hayato and not him. I believe that. And it's pretty much true. Now, Yami says that Hayato's gone and has totally taken over. But one line, the last line he said to me was something that Hayato would say. Yami would be more of harsh than unpressuring. I miss Hayato. I never got to say everything I wanted to say and wanted him to know before Yami made him vanish. But I have hope that I can bring him back. I can bring Hayato back. If I would only be given the chance. I need that chance. Without it, it wouldn't be fair at all. We decided to banish Yami for the bit and he did disappear for about 3 months. Then he suddenly came back. And recently, Hayato wasn't himself. I have to admit that. I really don't know what is happening over there where he is. I know things in his life aren't so bland as mine is. God, I'm in a 3rd World country...what would I do here?
I miss him. I need him. I love him. These words are just pouring out. I need Yami to listen to me. I need him to hear me. Even jsut this once. I need to bring Hayato back. I need him. And he needs me. I just wasn't given the chance. Well, maybe I was, but I missed th opportunity. That's what happened last weekend. It just was totally messed up. And now things have gotten worse.
I need him. I won't give up on that. And I won't give up on him. I need him so much. Regardless of form. I need him. I belong to him and only him. If he disowns me, I'd have nowhere to go. I'd be useless to others, so I wouldn't bother. And I'm loyal. I would never go against him. I promised and I'm not breaking that promise.
If he ever did something wrong, hell even cheat on me and give himself to someone else, it'd be fine with me. Yes, it may hurt, but I love him. I wouldn't hate him for it. That would be irrational. I wouldn't want it to happen, but if temptations arise and there's a slip, then I'd just have to accept the fact that it happened -- what's done is done. But one thing that I don't want done is my relationship with Hayato. I just can't let go of him. I just can't. I just can't be vain, but no one can love him the way I do. No one...
 Mary Hiryu · Fri Sep 15, 2006 @ 03:35pm · 0 Comments |
