|
I really wanna know what I am. I know it's very stupid of me to wonder about such. It renders me weak. I complain a lot, I know. But...one thing's for sure -- the only ones who are willing to listen aren't always around to listen to me. People don't tend to listen to me at all. It's a shame, really. I don't get any credit, I can't be something that's my own because some people tend to follow, and the like. It's like...I'm only existing, but no one gives a ********. I know...very self-centered and selfish of me...but it's somewhat true.
I know I shouldn't listen to everything people say. But after a bit, it can stick. Manipulation. That's it. I know many people whon are actually manipulative. I can tell because I'm not easily influenced. And if I DO get influenced, then I'd say that that person is manipulative. Or, that person goes to great lengths to get their principle going through people's minds. My father is manipulative. I can say that and it's affirmative. He's been talking to people, telling them different things to get them on his side. You see, he's...kinda...well...a man. You know how men can be. No offense to the male population, but there are some, you have to admit. It scares me, actually. Those words just...I dunno. Those words made me fell like my mother. But I can NEVER feel what my mother has felt. And I'm sure that I don't want to feel any of it. Even she doesn't want any of us (me and my sisters) to feel it.
Let's just not lead to anything off-topic. I honestly feel like s**t. I am nothing, and it's now affirmative. I just want my dad to shut the ******** up and stop manipulating people to get them on his side.
I can't believe it. He feels ashamed that we're the loudest people on the block. But he's not ashamed of himself and what he has done. If he does accept what he has done and swore to never do such again, then why is he making such moves like these? He tells Mom that she's evil. She's pure evil. She's a devil. She's a harlot. She's a b***h. She's everything bad you can say. But she's not. Rather, HE is. She has a right to speak out and against it all. You have no right to shut her up.
I wanted him to shut up. I wanted him to stop saying hurtful and wrong things to Mom. I don't want to be around him, honestly. I don't wanna become dependent on anything. I can think of a few things that I make exceptions for, but just not this. I don't want to be dependent on my family. Once I'm supposed to be out of the house, then I'm out of the house. I shouldn't be a burden and I should be able to make it on my own.
I got in the middle of the fight this time. I looked at him straight in the eye with a look which was full of dislike, disdain, disappointment, and hatred. I just broke out this time. I never broke out like that ever before. I didn't want to shut up this time. I just wanted to get rid of all my rage. Like I've said before -- I have become agressive and rageful. I know it's not a good thing at all, but it's just...a result. Nevermind that. It's just that he broke out against me as well. He told me things like I was gonna grow up to be one like my mother's sisters with multiple husbands and sex partners. That I was gonna be a whore out on the street. He's said that once before and he's said it again. After I started yelling back some more about what he said, he unhooked the leather belts off the wall and started to hit me. Wow...if only I were in the States, then this would be the only time I'd call the child abuse services. But anyways, I would've called the police a long, long time ago when Mom was getting hurt. He'd still get into trouble. I just hate his guts. I don't know how things got to this. He called Mom the devil. "Panulay" was the word. And I answered back, "And what are you?" He broke out against that. It's like he fears that no one would be on his side. It's like he can't be a one-man-army. He has to have back-up. I don't get it. I'm a liberal. I went from conservative to liberal quite a time ago. But not at that moment of course. I have been turning liberal little by little. I have to learn to be dominant and confident. I have to be better than the rest. That's how I'm like now. I have to take my chances.
I couldn't take those words. I just want him out. I don't wanna be around him. I can't take it. I don't wanna hurt anybody. I wanna give it an easier chance. "We can do this the easy way, or the hard way."
I am nothing, I guess. If that's what he thinks. He doesn't care about what I have been trying to do to get them to appreciate my efforts in school or in anything else. I failed once, and I'm bringing myself back up. That's the difference between me and my father -- I keep my word.
It's a shame. He says that he demands respect because he's my father, he made me, and s**t like that. I don't think he deserves it if that's how he's like. He lost my respect and trust when I saw that things weren't getting any better. And things AREN'T getting any better. The shameful part is that he's my father, and that's the truth. I know that I'm not the only one out there, though. There're kids with a worse situation and I know that.
I got almost everything about my father. Looking at myself, sometimes I see him in me. I have his looks, his attitude, and his intelligence. I'm not like my Mom -- down-to-earth, practical, street-smart. I'm the dorky idiot, rather. I had my enthusiasm in school without anyone's influence. I just had the knack for school, that's all. Mom took care of me. She nurtured me. I owe it to her, rather than to Dad, sometimes. I mean, yes, he worked to keep us alive and we owe him that. But...Mom could've done that. God, he took her salary when she was still working and he used it to gamble and pay his debts. And it wouldn't matter to me if I weren't smart. As long as I'm a good person, that's good enough for me. That's what's important to me.
Anyways...I can't keep on ranting like this.
Onto my announcements.
October 23-27 would be our Intramurals -- athletic competition against each batch. I'll be home early everyday. But...maybe not. It's iffy. I usually talk to my teachers when I have time. Or I just hang out at school.
I'm not so sure when Intrams Night will be. I'll be announcing that as soon as I know.
October 30-November 3 would be our semestral break. No classes. I'll be home that whole time.
Oh yeah, and Mom plans a trip to Aklan (that place I wrote about Humanities Day). Boracay (Bora) -- one of the nation's biggest tourist spots. We're planning to hit the beach after Intrams. We just have to get away. October 28-29 would be the planned date. If not, then it might be November 4-5. Depends. I'll announce if the trip's called off. But...I really hope there's Internet access there.
Anyways...that's it for me for now. *sighs*
 Mary Hiryu · Sat Oct 21, 2006 @ 04:36am · 4 Comments |
