So... yeah. Do you ever notice how whenever you're highly emotional you find all these great things to say and you wish you could write them all down in one of these things, but by the time you're actually sitting at the computer all of the strong feelings have kinda faded away and you just sort of feel 'meh'?
I mean, last night I was in bed thinking (generally not a happy time for me, I should not think before sleeping, I always end up depressed) and I came up with all of this great stuff I wanted to write down. And at the time it sounded really good. But now I don't even really care anymore. Or rather, I don't care enough to b***h about things. It just doesn't seem worth it.
But I kind of want to talk. Not really, but kind of. It's more like I want to have a conversation, and I'm so tired of listening to myself talk in conversations that I'd love it if someone else would do that. To explain, I love talking. I really do. Ask any of my friend and they'll tell you that once I get started I just don't shut up. And when I'm bored I talk more. Because I don't want to be bored anymore. Then I'll talk more just to try to get people talking again. But a lot of times I'm just talking to get people to talk, I don't actually want to talk, but everyone else seems quiet. Maybe the smart thing to do would be to be quiet myself. But that leads me to thinking, and I don't really want to think. I just want someone to talk to me. And I don't even want them to talk about me. I know all about me, I'm bored with me. I will talk about me if no one else talks, because it's the easiest thing to talk about. I might mention my day or what I'm planning to do or something. But I don't want to. I'm tired. I just want to sit back and chat with someone who's talking about whatever they want to talk about, just so I don't have to.
It almost makes me want to call Ian. I can talk to Ian and not really have to say much. He'll tell me stories, he'll lead a conversation, he doesn't mind talking about himself. And he'll listen if I ever have anything to say. It's a very nice set up. I just don't really want to talk to him. Normally we chat about once every other week and that ends up well, but lately we've been talking more, which is nice, but it kind of loses its charm. Plus we kind of run out of things to talk about and I'm back to searching for a conversation.
I could talk to Maude, but I'd rather do that in person, because on the phone or online she tends to get off soon. Plus I know what's going on with Maude, we talk all the time. And I really do enjoy talking to her, because we're going through some of the same stuff. Not exactly the same, I mean she's got life threatening cancer and I'm just trying to afford college, but the smaller things in life are similar. Plus I know if I chat with her we'll end up talking about boys. And I don't really want to do that. I'm tired of thinking about that. If I'm going to talk about my love life I'd rather do that with the people involved. I'll wait to talk to Maude about it until I do something stupid with it or some such thing.
So where am I now? Up at 10:30 at night, wondering if I could not go to school tomorrow because I don't want to hang out with the people there. They're great and all, I've got quite a few friends, but we're not the type of people who just click and form instant friendships. They're not the type of people who I'd feel comfortable spilling all my problems to. They're not the people who are going to go off on a tangent about how they ran out of hot chocolate, or stubbed a toe, or got a B on a test. (with my friends and I Bs are bad.) I want to chat with someone who'll talk about the little things, or just about anything.
I wish I had gone swimming tonight, but I feel asleep. I'm in the mood to exersize (except I'm tired.) I just want to run and keep on running (except I'm kinda out of shape since it's cold so I don't want to jog.) I like swimming laps, because when I'm swimming I can just count what number I'm on, and keep that in my head, and think about what I should swim for the next lap, and I don't really have to think about anything else. Kind of like I like writing this, because I'm just thinking about typing, and what I'm going to say next, and not really anything else. If I do something that requires just a bit of thought then I find that I don't really think very much. It can be kind of nice.
I dunno, I'm out of things to say. It sucks, but I'll live. I think I should go to bed, but I'm not really wanting to. Unfortunately there really isn't anything else to do. Unles you coulnt the reading for Gov, but I don't really want to do that. I'm kind of considering making some more top romen. Maybe seeing if there's something on TV or throwing in a movie. I think I'll snuggle up with my new teddybear Maude got me. It's the spiffiest, it's dressed like a penguin ^.^
It's funny how everything can be going so well in your life, and you still feel like s**t. Just thought I'd throw that out there.
Anyway, I think I'm going to see if we have Pretty Women, because my sister was watching it yesterday and I was only able to sit in for about ten minutes. And I haven't seen it in awhile so I might still like it. *shrugs*
ttyl,
Auliro.
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Auliro's Wonderous World of... Nothing You Care About ^_^
So... I haven't writen it yet so I don't know what this is about. But I like to rant, and ramble, and talk to myself. I suppose those will be major factors. I'm also fond of bragging, cause I'm kinda arrogant, so that will probably be there, too. Wha
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Also, you do love to talk, and I love to listen, we just haven't found the right topics yet.
Anyways, I seem to be like you. I think to much when I'm tired and I'm trying to sleep. Only difference is that I come out of it will a feeling of renewal and confidence, where it seems you don't. You just bog yourself down. We do the things we do and we need to work with living with them, or work harder than hell to change them. I like option A, living with them.
I also do that same thing where you think of many things to do or write when you get home and then you look apon them again and see that you don't really want to do them. Life's just weird like that. Sometimes you like ideas you have and other you don't.
I'm trying to keep myself within a proper limit for a responce, we don't need this comment dawfing the post itself. I'll do that another day when I have more to rant and talk about. I just feel at the moment like "Blah" and that isn't the greatest of moods for me. To much self re-examination and self discovery for some reason. I tend to go way to for into why I do things or not find answers and get frustrated.
Also, "It's funny how everything can be going so well in your life, and you still feel like s**t" is very true and I know that you mean. Just thought I'd chuck that at you.
This was one of the more fun posts of your to read in my opinion. Probably wasn't the funnest to write being all frustrated with the blah and all. Till our next post.
Kikuo~