Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

What the title says. This is more for me because I just need to vent, so you might not really care. I won't feel bad if you get bored or say "gee she sounds stupid"

Other than that... I'm so bored right now. I'm bacially bored all the time though. It's like the only time I'm not bored is when I'm swimming or doing homework, and those are things I don't do too often anymore. I'm too lazy to do the things I want to do.

Actually that's not entirely true. My situation just changed. It wasn't too long ago that I was almost never online, and at that point I got a lot of things done and I wasn't nearly as bored. Hell, when I don't waste hours online I actually have time to not wait until the last moment to do homework or maybe to read if I want to. Even to sleep. Not that I slept much before, but sometimes I took the extra hour or two.

So why am I on the interenet? Obviously I shouldn't be. There are better things I can do with my time. There are better things that I should do with my time. Like right now I could be in my room working on my story or reading the next book in the Dresden Files... but I'm not. I'm sitting here at the computer that always seems to take up five minutes more of my time. It's addicting. I start by getting online to see if someone's on. And of course, the person and or people I want to talk to aren't on, because they have no problem doing other things with their lives, so I figure I'll wait half an hour just in case they decide to show up. And of course they don't. So I wait a little longer. And during all this waiting I'm fishing on Gaia, or playing games on neopets, or doing some stupid silly little thing that goes no where and doesn't help me at all.

And in the end it's ten o'clock again. And the people I'd like to chat with still aren't on. And I know they won't be. But I still stay here and find something to do. And of course I don't bring a book with me, or when I do I don't end up reading. And even though my lap top's right next to me right now I'm not working on scholorships, homework or stories, I'm typing in my online journal because I'm pissed at myself for not doing those things. I'd rather sit here and wait for what I know won't happen, because I could be wrong. Or it's not worth it to do something else because I'll just feel crappy anyway. It really sucks.

Which is why even though I'm sick (as I mentioned yesterday I didn't want to go to school today, being sick gave me a great reason to stay home) I want to get out of the house tomorrow. Just so I'm not sitting at this desk again. It's why I go to the college to do my reading for English, because I know I won't get it done if I stay at home. I need to go somewhere with my laptop and work on my scholorship essays, because I'm not going to do them when I'm in this house. Sometimes my will sucks and I'm just too stupid to avoid temptations. And then of course nothing ever comes of me giving into them. If it did I wouldn't be writing here about how annoyed I am with all of this. No, if it did then it wouldn't be so bad, because waiting around online would have been for a reason. Now it's just a waste of my time. And because I was sick and slept in till eleven I'm not even tired right now so I don't even want to go to sleep. I want to cuddle up with my teddybear (did I mention it? It's really cute, dressed up like a penguin. I might have mentioned it yesterday) and watch a movie, but then what would I watch? I've seen most of what's in our house, and what I haven't I don't want to see. I'm not in the mood to put up with commertials and I really don't feel like reading. So here I am, between a rock and a hard place, being too picky for my own good, and haveing nothing to do. Except for that homework and scholarship stuff which I know I won't be working on.

I don't know what to do. I hate not knowing what to do. I should just not get online, but there's always that "what if?" hanging in the air, and the possiblity, no matter how unlikely, keeps me coming back. Sometimes I think it would have been better if nothing had happened and I didn't have anyone to wait for. At least I had figured out how to deal with that. Beats the hell out of waiting around for someone who's not going to be there. Sometimes I wish I could just not give a s**t. About so many things. If I didn't care about talking to people then I wouldn't be wasting so much time. Hell, if I didn't care about people I wouldn't be wasting so much time. Granted, that would make life a little less worth living for, not caring about people and all that, so it's probably a bad thing, but if you could just single people out and say "nope, not caring about him anymore, because that doesn't help anything" it would be really nice.

But life's not that easy. Do I keep mentioning I wish life was easy? I feel like I do. If I don't here it's in my other journal, which I found, and would be writing in if handwriting didn't take so much longer than typeing. *can type somewhat fastish*. There are advantages to writing things out by hand though. I can b***h a lot more about whatever I want to and I don't ahve to worry about people reading it or carrying what I say or anything. I can write any personal thing I want and not feel awkward. Because some things saying to a complete stranger (assuming any of them bothers to read this) would just be odd. The same way saying some things to someone I know (no matter who it is) would be odd.

And my nose is really stuffed up which really sucks, because I can't find any klenex and I need to blow it. But I guess that's just another reason we have toliet paper. Besides the obvious one, of course.

I suppose I should actually talk about what's been going on in my life, but I don't really feel up to it. Um... I get to right the funnybone for t he school newspaper, that's like the comedy commentary column we have. Since the paper's coming out soon after the 14th I figured I'd write about Single's Awareness Day (aka V-day), because I think I could write something really funny for it. Mostly I just wanted to take on a second story because the first is just the callender and that's really easy to do. I want a lot of stories to put in my portfolio at the end of the year because it makes it look nice. *is weird like that* I have six stories that I've written for the first semester. I want at least another six for this next one.

*sighs* I'm glad we don't have school tomorrow. I'm very, very glad. Because I just don't feel up to it. Not just because I'm sick, but for other reasons, too. I wish I could just talk through some of the problems that are swimming around in my head, but who would I talk to and what would I say? I mean I've actually talked about most of them with people, and it just didn't help. Maybe I'm talking to the wrong people or I'm just needing something else. Then again let's go back to the I really don't want to talk about me part. Went into that a little yesterday, and it's still true. While I'm bursting to say things and talk about my problems, I don't really want to quiet yet. I'm doing it here because I've had a whole day to think about it and do nothing and not really talk to anyone so it's all bottled up and I need it out, but I really don't care if anyone reads this. I mean, I know Kikuo will, I'm surprized he bothers sometimes, because this is prolly pretty long and not very interesting. But still.

*sighs* I should go away and go to bed or throw in a movie and fall asleep on the couch... but I don't really want to. *wishes there was a movie that would make her happy that she could watch* my mom might buy Mulan for us. (us being my younger sister and me) and I'm a fan of the old Disney movies so that's good. They came out with a sequel for it and I want to see it, because I'm weird like that, and I liked Mulan. I'm wishing I had some fun little fairy tale I could throw in that wouldn't make me sad. Because believe it or not watching Peter Pan, my favorite fairy tale, can make me sad. I wish I had Robin Hood or something, I like that movie. I think they should come out with a new Robin Hood, because then I could go see it. I also want to see Phantom of the Operah (I can't spell, forgive me.) I heard it was really good. I did get to see Finding Neverland, though. Which made me happy. I'm sooo buying that when it's on DVD. Not only am I a Peter Pan fan, I'm also a Jonny Depp fan, so there was no way that movie could go wrong. Maybe I should read, except I'm getting tired now so starting a book wouldn't be that smart. Maybe I'll start one tomorrow. I really do want to read "Summer Knight," the next in teh Dresden Files. The third book ended on such a good not. There's this one scene that I keep thinking about that just makes me happy. And the writing really is good, I'm so into it. My problem with the series is that I can't put it down once I start the book, so I hadn't wanted to start it at the end of semester (semester ended today) lest it get in the way of studying for finals or something. But with that over with it shouldn't really be a problem, as long as I do my homework first.

Some of my paragraphs really are huge. So I'll write a short one. blaugh

Now that I'm sufficently off subject I think I'll end this little session. If you've made it this far thanks for sticking with me, I hope I've been... entertaining. On a parting note, may you feel better than me, mentally and physically. May the flue avoid you and all of your teddybears wear penguin outfits!

Until I return,
Auliro.