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Recently, I was heartbroken by a man that I fell in love with. Although he is 24 years old and I am only 15, I felt as if I could be with him for an eternity, I wanted to spend my life with him...to have children with him, and to hug him and cuddle with him. He made me so very very very happy, I felt as if all of my dreams and hopes were getting better and better. Though my parents still weren't paying much attention to me, when he would call me or talk to me at all, even just e-mail me, I would feel so much better. It would seem as if my life were much better then I could ever wish for, ever even begin to think it could be. My parents were no longer going to get divorced, they stopped arguing, and things were getting much much MUCH better then they had been for a while. I thought that everything was going GREAT!

The next think I knew, I found out that he was cheating on me. I talked to the girl he was with then I was frozen in place. My entire chest had grown hot and it was as if it were the end of the world. I mean, here I was, happy and with a parshally good life, and he was cheating on me. Destroying my hopes, my dreams...it all came crashing down upon me and I could see myself having no future because of it. I talked to him about it and he told me that he was sorry that he felt like s**t, how did he think I felt. I mean, he's happy with her now and I have nobody...well...I do have somebody...but I'm unsure. Anyways, I began to cry when I found out, it takes a lot to make me cry...and I mean A-LOT because I have to put up with spirit crushing, heart breaking things every day just with myself, yet somehow, I still manage to smile around everybody else.

I went up to my room and grabbed a chain then wrapped it around my neck and began to pull on both ends in hopes of choking myself to death, I thought that if I didn't have him to be with and if I was alone, I might as well be dead...at the moment I felt nothing but sadness. That didn't work, it would have left marks if I lived, so I decided not to do it and I began to cry again, thinking of another way to make myself concentrate on physical pain instead of the mind numbing, heart breaking, hope shattering emotional pain I was going through. Since I was home alone as I often am, I grabbed a knife and slowly, slowly, slowly began to slice away at the top of my arm, I didn't want to die anymore at that point in time.

I watched the blood come out of my arm slowly and then I began to lick it up, I liked the taste. I was still crying...it was so heart wrenching. I was left wondering when the happiness would come to me, it seemed hopeless. I washed off the knife and put it away then sat down in my seat in front of the computer and continued to cry and listen to depressing music, I didn't know what to do. I called my best friend Amber and talked to her, then she had to go and I was once more left alone in my home to deal with the pain in a constructive way. I simply cried, and cried, and cried, and cried until the tears wouldn't come out anymore and it was just dry sobs that came out of my mouth, then I stopped as the numbness came over.

The next day at school, I pretended that nothing ever happened for my friends sake. The only one that knew was Amber, and she was trying to help me out with it. Now, it seems as if she's trying to rub in her perfect relationship with her fiance...it's heart breaking. Every time I hear her say that she loves him, or she talks about him and how much they love eachother and their plans for the future, I want so badly to cry because the heartbreak just comes back and I start to cry on the inside not wanting for her to know. I want her to be happy where I couldn't be. Sometimes, I think that she wants me to suffer, just the other day she told me about how he was engaged to the new girl, and my heart broke again. I wanted to cry, but I didn't because I didn't have the strength to, I was raised against it.

After all of this happened, my dad started to go back to his old ways, yelling at me. This time, he started to grab at my throat, and I thought that nothing would EVER get any better...but I spoke with him and he stopped. He still yells sometimes, and I can't cry or else I'll get spanked, but it doesn't happen often. I'm afraid of my dad sometimes, but he's rarely home most of the time, so I'm fine. Recently, I had another boy, Kyle, tell me that he loves me, but I don't know if I can believe him or not. My heart's been played with by to many people...to many times...and I always fall for it. I mean, I think he means it, but...what if he doesn't. I'm scared to tell him that I love him in return...and I'm confused. I mean, who wouldn't be after everything that I've gone through? I'm still heartbroken and can still feel the depression at times, like when I was typing about him. Anyways, I think that I like Kyle back, but I don't know...I'm scared of what's going to happen...scared of what he'll do...scared that he's not ready for a true relationship yet...scared that he'll give up on me as so many other people have done to me in the past...scared that he'll judge me...scared that he'll start to hate me for who I truely am...scared that he'll probably end up harming me in some way. What kind of world is it when you're scared to tell somebody that you like them because you think that you'll get hurt so badly that you WILL end up dieing because of yourself??? Answer me that...Yes, I'm a depressed person, but I lock it up in hopes of getting stronger, but it doesn't work. I mean, now I can't tell people my problems face to face because I'm not used to it...now I solve them myself. I ask of you to please please PLEASE...help me...get me through this...please...help me to decide what I should do...