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<center> Assasin
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Took a break from Gaia...
I dunno why, its not like I have anything better to do.
I feel lost, forgotten, and unwanted. People piss me off, the only time they ever want to be bothered with me is when I'm cutting or speaking of harming myself again. People are so ******** pathetic....It pisses me off so much. The only time anyone holds intrest in me is when that happens. The only time I'm appealing is when I have no desire to ******** live.. God I hate people so much.
I'm on Spring Break. RO had a double xp event Easter weekend so I took advantage of that as I could. Now I am making an Assasin, a few levels away from it too, thanks to Isaac and Kevin.
I don't...understand Isaac at all. He's always upset with me or ignoring me, like...I dunno, its just so unfair. I don't know what I keep doing wrong...he's not like, getting mad and yelling and cursing and being cruel like Josh did...he does it this completly diffrent way that hurts me unlike anything I've ever felt before. Like...he only talks to me when he's intrnested in it. Like...if he feels like it he will. Whenever we're around other people its like I don't even exist. It hurts so much to not even be noticed by the guy I love. 'cause yea, I love him. His roomate and his girlfriend are all sweet and lovely to eachother, you should see it...it makes me go all "aww" when I'm around them 'cause they're so happy and affectionate no matter who's around. I hate it so ******** much. When its just me and him though...he's so nice and sweet and affectionate. Like...he's that guy that I orginally fell for, and its just nice to be around that side of him.
...and then he has like, these "friends". These girls and shiz he talks to and it makes me so uncomfortable. 'cause when they're around he still ignores me. I just...I dunno...I'm used to being cheated on and shiz like this and I'm just so scared and I dunno what to do...see....we're suppose to get married on RO. We were suppose to get married on Monday, but he said he was to tiered and wanted to play some stupid game so we didn't and that broke my heart....I really wanted to on Monday, had my heart set on it...and like it was whatever to him. He acts just this way that makes me feel ashamed of myself. Ashamed of liking him, I suppose, because the feeling doesn't seem mutual sometimes.
...but hey, who cares any way? I'm not mutaling myself so why should you give a flying ********?! biggrin
::sigh:: Anyway, Josh...::sigh:: Been thinkin bout him so much lately. I just...I wanted things to work out so bad with him. You can't begin to imagnne how badly I wanted it....I would have given anything....anything just for things to be as they were. When we first hooked up and he was just that guy that stole my heart and refused to give it back...he gave it back today, he said he didnt' give a ******** what I did because all he did was get mad when he saw me anyway. I still...I just...I don't know what I did wrong cry I ********, I did throw away anything for him. I told everyone I ever cared for to ******** off because I was Joshs and thats how he needed it to be for our relationship to be ok. That wasn't enough, though. I wanted it to be, though...gosh, I woulda give my own life for it to be and yes I literally mean that and YES I do know what I am saying. Josh...was so right, so perfect...he fit into all my needs so perfectly. Even when he hurt my feelings and made me sad I was never ashamed or didin't like being his girl. I...bleh, I know you'll find this stupid...but i was honestly inlove with him. Like, true love...I thought he was that mystical soulmate thing people look for...and lookie here, I was wrong.
I hate love. I hate love with a burning ******** passion. The first time I typed that it was "pation"...I'm so stupid sometimes. Anyway...I hate it...I think like...I even said it before, how there are people who never find "love". How do you even know if you'll be one of the lucky ones to find it? You can spend your whole life trying to get something you were never meant to. Live with people andn be with people who arent' you true love and s**t for so long...bleh, I don't have time for such stupid things. I just wanna find my person now, and get to know them and be with them and be ok.
...Josh's best friend, Sann, is always so sad. I hate to see him down like that. He's a nice person, he's good to others, kind, sweet, charming~like all those nice things. I want to make him happy, I dunno how to though...maybe just hang with him and he'll be ok? I dunno...I just want my friend happy.
...now I have to go. No, I still haven't checked my PMs. Sorry. Bye.
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Community Member