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It's been over a year since I've made an entry on here and a number of things has happened that are bigger than what I'll write today. One of them is my Uncle's suicide which is why (until recently when gaia wiped my "status" thing) my little bubble quote thing has said that every 40 seconds some asks why and I am now one of them. That was hard, but it got better. I was not particularly close with my Uncle, but I was and still am with his wife. The rest of this will be nearly verbatim from my deviantart account as I found I wrote it really well there last night and it is easier to just take it from there and move it here rather than try to figure out how to rewrite it.

If anyone would like to offer his or her opinion/advice, please feel free to do so. It has been...quite an ordeal.

Today, my title just about covers the bulk of my writing. They say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." In fact, Kelly Clarkson has a very lovely song with that exact phrase. However, how much can a person really take before it no longer makes them stronger, that it finally breaks them down and they can't handle anymore? Apparently, the human mind/body can cope with quite a bit. In my Literary Dimensions of Film class, we discussed the book Night of the Hunter by Davis Grubb. One theme in this story is the strength of children. A child is capable of handling so much that many as adults may never be able to cope with again. This is not to say that children are able of handling things in adult ways. But they are pretty remarkable. As I begin to embark on a new journey, I am critically analyzing what I can and cannot handle, pushing myself to the limit to see if I can do it and still recover. This past semester I took on 21 credit hours and still walked away with a 3.3 GPA. Was it what I wanted? No. But I proved that I could do it. It wasn't easy. As a result of getting over that stumbling block, I have become stronger. I look at the upcoming semester with a sigh of relief at the amount of credits I'll be taking. My work load may not really decrease, but I know I am capable of doing much more than I ever thought I would be before. This is good to know going into the field of teaching.

My profession will ask more of me than what I am really prepared for. I know this so am doing whatever I can to prepare for it. As I'm hoping to teach High School, I feel a bundle of nerves as I prepare to enter the classroom. I'm not a whole lot older than my future students and certainly not that much taller. I worry when I hear about things like the Connecticut shooting (I hate to bring it up, but fear not! I do not plan to talk about it much as there are other things I wish to talk about). Young teachers died. I will be a young teacher. I could find myself in a situation where a student tries to kill my other students or me and I'll have to be prepared to face that. My mom told me about an article in the local paper about the Gov. of VA wanting to have teachers armed. My immediate thought is "bad idea!" I'm always teased about my temper and how there is a reason why I'm not allowed to have weapons. There are several teachers I would not want to give guns to. It would increase gun threats and there would be scads of regulations which would probably leave the students and teachers no better protected that without a gun. It's a scary thought to look into my future and realize all these things will effect it. The shooting was a terrifying tragedy. However, people will get stronger and work toward a better future as a result to honor the memory of those who were killed.

I see cases of what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I've lived through some. Yet I doubt whether or not this will work for every case scenario.
I feel better about myself the longer I attend my four-year University. I love it there. I have found people to support me, who share my interests, who challenge me, who understand what it's like to be an outcast, to feel the need to travel, the importance of an education. I have dealt with some of the worse and some of the best people as well as teachers. These experiences have taught me more than a book and have made me a better stronger person. Yet I find myself sucked into a high school drama I never thought would happen.
After ten years of trust, sisterly love, and caring, I find myself without my best friend. Those of you who read my last post will recognize this as the same girl. We've drifted. I felt it since about this time last year. It has been a long difficult year coping with it. I'd try to ignore it and focus on my classes, and I would get a message that would upset me and everything would go down hill for a week or more. I tried to explain to a guy that it didn't matter what he promised or he claimed to be a knight. I wouldn't believe him blindly. Ten years of promises down the drain with a knife in the back will do that. The story seems to have found it's close this afternoon. The final cut made and final words spoken. I honestly do not know if I will ever speak to this girl again. I'm still feeling kind of numb from it all, but a part of me still wants to cry.
Wouldn't you? Ten years is a long time to be someone's friend. It is only natural that a person morns that kind of loss. So why does it seem so pointless?

I've come to terms that it will never be like it was in high school. The problems won't just disappear. As Roger says "All your words are nice, Mimi, but love's not a three-way street." The same principle goes for friendships. It is a two way street between two people. Part of that also comes from knowing who you are and what you want. Others can help define this, but it is only when YOU sit down and figure out what YOU want out of life that it matters and becomes clear for what will come, what to expect. I understand this. I've come to terms with this a while ago. I know where I'm going and what it will take for me to get there. I'm so close to reaching my goals and dreams. I can't let people keep me from accomplishing that...even if means saying goodbye....even if it hurts.

It kills me to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes. They never end well. Someone always gets hurt. 9 times out of 10 it's me. I can't speak for my friend and say that she is unaffected by this, but I also can say it sure doesn't feel like our friendship really meant that much to her. After all, she didn't seem to put up much of a fight to salvage it or keep me around. We were working on a buisness together and she dumped it without hesitation or protest. Does that stop me from going through with it? No. I've teamed up with my older brother. I've found ways to move on, to cope.

But will it crush me?

Today, she said I wasn't going to an event because of her instead of the fact that I'm super busy. I am in fact super busy as my family tries to prep for the Holidays. Everything is rushed this year as the school semester ended later than normal and there's a family Christmas party to throw for Mom's side of the family next week which involves traveling 12 hours. What can I say? I'm a busy girl. I told her this and she asked when I graduated. I told her and she said that until then she was saying goodbye because I'm too busy to be seen and I'm obviously not ready to face her.

i.e. it's all my fault our friendship went to hell and I have to fix it...

again.

No.

No. No. No. No. No. NO!

That is NOT how it works. I can't be the one fixing it all the time, being the constant rock. I shouldn't feel like I'm in a constant competition and that I have to always be the only responsible one. I won't be dragged back to high school not now. When I walk through high school doors, I am a pre-service teacher. NOT a student. I'm growing up. I won't be dragged back down that path. I'm moving on and learning what I want out of my life, what I want to do. I'm moving toward a career. I want more than to settle down and have kids and care for a house. I want to see the world. I want to publish a book. I want to inspire a generation to read. I want to inspire students the way I've sad teachers inspire me. I want to have a classroom where students come visit me after graduation. I want to live. I want to move forward. The fight is not entirely my fault. Am I ready to face her face to face? Maybe not. Part of that is I haven't even had time to think about how to handle the situation. Every scenario I play out in my head ends in a blow up or being pushed into a corner until I give up and just say "All is forgiven. Let's pretend this never happened. It's okay. None of what you did really hurt anyway." And I CAN'T do that. It DID hurt. It hurt a lot. None of what happened over the past year will simply disappear with a repeated apology. "I'm sorry" doesn't fix everything. This is one of those things that has gone beyond the "I'm sorry" bit. Way beyond.

So.

In half anger half...I don't know, I responded the following text message (as today's fight took place via text message):

"Fine. Let me also point out that you never seemed to make a real effort to save the friendship either. I'm busy because it's my life. I can't alter it for one person especially when that person seems to think all my decisions are based on them and if they are in attendance. I'm not a saint and neither are you. I can't promise that I'll see you now or at MAGfest because I don't know. If you want to say goodbye, fine. I can respect that. This isn't high school and I've come to terms that it will never be the same. Now it's time for you to decide where you stand and what you want. I know where I'm going. Do you?"
I let my blunt side run a little rampant, but part of me still feels that it's about d**n time it got out. My roommate has comforted me saying that I made some good points and my message was very much to the point. There comes a time in everyone's life where they have to decide what they wanted out of his or her life. I've done that and have been doing that for sometime now. The person I've been fighting with responded that she doesn't know what she wants beyond making sure she doesn't fail out of community college and saying that she's not as smart as me. Translation (from others) she doesn't have a leg to stand on in this argument. Until she decides what she wants out of life and what she's doing, nothing will ever change. Taking courses at any kind of college is pointless without a goal to work toward, not to mention a waste of money.

This feels and seems very mean and heartless. However, I'm tired of being the bad guy, the one charged with fixing everything and when it doesn't work out it's still my fault. I'm tired of being the constant rock. I'm tired of feeling like I'm in competition and needing to constantly prove myself. I get that enough from my family, my colleagues, and (most of all) from myself. I do NOT need it coming at me from my friends. Friends should support one another. They shouldn't make you feel worse about yourself.

I still doubt myself. I don't want to meet with her in a "private" place like my home or hers or even risk being stuck in the same car with her. I know if that happens I'll feel cornered and pressured into saying that it's all okay when it's not. It honestly feels like an abusive relationship. You know you should leave, but you also feel like you can make it better if you just stick around. That is enough to send up a red flag for me. That is not the kind of relationship I want, friend or otherwise. I pride myself in being able to stand up for myself and what I believe in. I won't sacrifice that to end up in a situation that will only hurt me more. I have to be strong.

I just hope I'll survive and become stronger.

"Everybody has a dark side...can you love mine? Nobody's picture perfect but we're worth it," Kelly Clarkson sings in her song Dark Side. I understand this. I know I'm not a saint. But neither is this person I used to know. To me, she has changed. In reality, I think I'm the one who has changed...and I hope for the better.

The more I think about it, the more I understand why I've fallen in love with "Catch My Breath" by Kelly Clarkson

"I don't wanna be left behind
Distance was a friend of mine
Catching breath in a web of lies
I've spent most of my life
Riding waves, playing acrobat
Shadowboxing the other half
Learning how to react
I've spent most of my time

Catching my breath, letting it go,
Turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life,
I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back,
I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down,
It's all so simple now

Addicted to the love I found
Heavy heart, now a weightless cloud
Making time for the ones that count
I'll spend the rest of my time
Laughing hard with the windows down
Leaving footprints all over town
Keeping faith, karma comes around
I will spend the rest of my life

Catching my breath, letting it go,
Turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life,
I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back,
I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down,
It's all so simple now"

I'm slowly figuring out what matters and I what I need. My mother told me earlier that as time goes on I'll see/figure out the difference between the ones who stayed and those who didn't. It may hurt now, but I hope it gets better. I want to live my life. And that is exactly what I'm going to do. "Catching my breath letting it go...no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that. Catch my breath, won't them get me down"

As selfish as it sounds, it's about time I start living...

for me.

I'll end with this last note:

To the one reference in this entry,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that this is the way things turned out. I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings. I'm sorry if you're telling everyone I am an evil person. I'm sorry I don't believe things will be fixed. I'm sorry you don't have a plan for your future. I'm sorry you don't know where you're going. I'm sorry you are wandering without direction. I'm sorry that I can't do that. I'm sorry that you seem to be stuck in the high school ways.

I am NOT sorry for saying what I did. I am NOT sorry for being who I am. I am NOT sorry for standing up for what I believe in, what I'm looking for in life. I will not apologize for having goals and knowing where I want to go. I'm not going to tell you I'm sorry about wanting to move on with my life, for wanting to move forward and living for me. I'm NOT sorry that I'm growing up, that I'm entering the adult world and ready to take on the burden of the high school drama for my students, not my own.

I'm sorry and I'm NOT sorry that I won't come crawling back to you. I'm sorry and NOT sorry that we want different things out of life.
You need to figure out who you are and what YOU want out of life. This does not mean not failing school or keeping up a GPA. There's a lot more to life than a grade. I should know as that is all I've ever been able to lay claim to in my life. There's a whole world out there. Figure out what you want from it and/or what you can give it. Then and only then can I see anything changing. Maybe then you will understand what I've learned over the past year and for the past three and half years through experience...maybe then we can try to rebuild this broken friendship.

I understand that I cared so much more than you did or at least more than you ever showed. If you want to say goodbye, fine. But do NOT blame me for what has happened. You made your own bed and you will sleep in it until you wake up to the reality whether it be cruel or not.

As an update on the situation, I saw that today she has defriended me of FB. I do not know if she will do so here or on deviant (as I'm not sure if there is a way to unwatch a person?) . But I am just trying to deal with this in my own way, one of which is writing.

Well, that's all for now I believe. Signing off for now!
Shuro <3

p.s. again, advice/opinions are welcome.