It's like everyday I lose more and more of my will to go on...
I'm just...so sick of trying and seeing no results. Working so hard with such an unfavorable outcome...
It isn't one thing in particular, its everything. Everything is "happy" now, yet I can't seem to rise my spirits and be happy as well.
I hate my life...so many petty problems I make such a big deal out of, when I should already know they don't matter. Nothing matters. Nothing at all. I'm such a crybaby and a whiner, I wish I'd grow up.
...there I go again, "wish". A wish is such a peculiar thing, people act as if they can do nothing to make it occur; as if it is just suppose to happen without any of their own effort and then are so heartbroken when it fails to suceed. Why do I wish when I can just make it happen?
My old way to resolve these problems that have arisen, would be attempts at suicide or cutting. I quit it, now. Offically I am over it. There is no point to inflict harm on myself, or try to even kill myself, because it doesn't matter what I do; I'm going to suffer in the end because I do nothing to make my wish's come true. I sit back like every other person I have ever come into contact witt and just expect a miracle to work itself. Yes, I am calling you lazy person reading here. I don't care what you think anymore, I don't want to cuss or fuss at you or tell you to screw off using that nasty "f" word...I just want you to know, I quit. Period.
Done fighting, done yelling, done screaming, done being angry, done loving, done hating, done trying, done caring.
I quit working towards whatever goals I had, because it doesn't matter. It's pointless to even try because I don't think I will ever be happy. I quit wishing to be happy a long time ago, when I tried to make myself happy it only resulted in more pain and suffering from every person I have come to care about. Why care anymore? If you people really loved me, you wouldn't hurt me in the first place. But then again, who am I to even say you really love me? How often have you people said that to me? Rarely. I can not say never, because then that would be a lie.
I know, though, I can only be hurt if I allow someone to hurt me. I keep letting people take their bash's at me and try to stand tall like I can really win you all over with love. I've become so weak with my ridiculous attempts to have you. I have come to the conculsion that if its this hard to win you over, your definatly not worth it.
I always want things I can't have, and then we I get this thing I find out I never really wanted it in the first place. Oh ode to my typical teenager behavior. Typical, typical, typical.
Today I found a way to define this mood I can't wake from. I have become a ghost. I feel dead inside and out. I don't laugh much anymore at all...the day can go perfect but I still can't even bring myself to smile. I have forgotten how to make myself happy. I don't even cry anymore. I don't frown or look sad either. Always a blank expression, looking as if I am in a far off land and not right before you. I still don't acknowledge the presense of others. I just sit and stare at my watch, wishing the day would be over so I could go to sleep. It's the only thing I seem to do right anymore.
I keep trying to encourage myself to get better, but I can't. I am depressed I think. I guess before I was just zoning out, this is what it really is to be depressed.
Cutting...everyone used to get so worked up over me cutting. They would yell and scream and protest my actions, they would try to fight me and I would fight back. Just like me, they have also quit fighting. I feel that in a way I have failed them, because they expect me to die. They keep preparing themselves for the loss I would bring and then the next day after I am finished with my act, they are upset I brought them so close to what they wanted to see and then let them down once again. Its not a councious want to see me die (I am assuming), just after working yourself up so much you expect to see results and when they aren't brought you tend to be angry. No one ever said they were glad I was still here, that I didn't slit the way my mother showed me. They're bored with me and my cutting now, and sometimes I wonder if I should just fulfill their wish's since they are to lazy to make them happen themselves. I concider fear an excuse for being lazy if you concidered something like getting in trouble for murder and whatnot. If I died, would you honestly be sad? Would my death really phase you at all? Afterall, you just know me on the net. You would be upset for a day, if at all, and move on to the next girl that comes your way. I am so easily forgotten and looked over, I'd be expecting your reaction.
I have you all planned out so well, I laugh inside when you think you know me. Of course, all I have ever told anyone about myself is true...after analyzing you all, you don't quiet comprehend much about me. No one ever does. People underestimate me, and that gives me a lovley advantage over them.
Not only am I underestimated, but I am mimiced as well. I try so hard to be an individual, and others suddenly want to act like me. I cut, so they cut. I try to OD, so they do as well. People try to copy what I allow them to see and its so sad to watch them do it...so naieve, not understanding what they are about to put themselves through for the sake of any sort of "connection" with me.
Friends...I'm so shy, its hard to make new ones, even on the net. I cling to the ones I have now, as they push me farther and farther away and dive deeper and deeper into their own lives. All I want to do is help, be there...and I'm always shoved away after people get bored with me. I get discarded, like trash. Put out and expected to move on and forget, just as I am forgotten. I can not bring myself to do that...no matter how hard I try.
I wonder why I am dead now...I wonder why I have given up on everything. I can try to explain it here, but most of my thoughts are still in my head...I can never bring myself to write it all out. Not anymore, atleast, just like I can't write in pink anylonger.
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Panda-tastic
My rants, not a life plan.
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