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OMFG i LVoE U 2 !!1111111one111!!! lET''S GEW oUT!!11! XD
And so...
Here I am again.
I didnt' expect to write in my journal anymore. Again, I thought I'd just make a new account and start over from the extreme ammount of pain I am suffering from....but again, I couldn't. Something about this Luma name and the friends I have made on it just keep me comming back for more...
I still hurt. Alot. I feel so empty inside. I feel like I want to die. I feel like I deserve it, too.
I want Issac back. I don't want things to be like this...I hate this so much.
I thought about him today. Not like I used to, its so depressing to think of him now. Its like the hole in my heart gets deeper and deeper with every thought of him; I feel more and more hollow inside. Its like I can see right though myself...like I don't even have a heart to love anymore.
Isaac is disgusted with me now...all I have is yesterdays converation when he dumped me...its the last time we spoke...::sigh:: see....like yesterday when we talked his words were so mean. He was getting his revenge for me hurting his feelings. He said just keep all teh stuff he gave me, and if I wanted a divorse he would pay for it.... sad In a way, I think he's being kind by dumping me like this; but in another way I hate him so much for causing me all this hurt because he wasnt' ready for a girlfriend yet and the responcibilites that came with one...
Becayse that is what this all boils down to. I thought about it last night (no, I didnt' sleep at all last night...I didn't even dose off...), and thats al it is...like the reasons why he said he didnt' want to be with me is all because he just wasn't ready for a relationship...I was his first girlfriend and yet again I manage to ******** up another relationship...but...I mean...when I look at it, how is this my fault? Ok, I shouldnt' of said I hated him for not talking to me, not making time for me, not acknowling my existance, not acknowleding my existance when other people were around, being flirty with others, not wanting to spend time with me when he could, etc, etc, etc. oh wait...um...isn't that reason not to like someone? Especially a boyfriend of all people. MY BOYFRIEND. Was mines. As in past tense. As in no longer is...I keep repeating that in my head so it sinks in and I can forget about Isaac and all the pain that accompanies his memory.
He has to much stress right now too....I guess I wasn't accepting enough of that. Like he hs to work 10 hour days every weekday with few breaks...he works at some nuclear plant thing with the navy. He just started that job back in like late March, so its hard for him to adjust to having a flexible schedule to do whatever he wants to now only having a few minuts every day to himself and then ontop of that having to worry about how I am and stuff. Like on the weekends (the past 4 weeks) his excuse for not wanting to be with me was 'cause he wanted to play Xbox and stuff since he can't as much as he used to anymroe...he chose a video game over me sad He wanted Xbox more than he wanted Courtney...that made me feel so worthless everyime he'd say that. So we'd argue on the weekend because he wanted the game and I wanted to spend time with him...I mean...when I look at it, Isaac was a waste of my time and energy but in another light that I look at it he was so worth it...
He felt worth it...mature love, mature relationship, mature guy...its what I always wanted. Like my Prince Charming had come to give me someone to share my life with but he'd rather share himself with stupid Xbox...see...if we lived by eachother this would never be happening. I'd be ploped next to him tryin to play the game with him and we'd be gaming losers together....::sigh:: .....I hate long distance relationships with a ******** passion...
I think about all the stuff I gave up for the sake of Isaac. I guess I should of known better. I wish I would think more before I fall inlove with a person. I keep thinking...like...most imporantly, what ******** with me the most...is that I gave up Josh for Isaac. Josh. Josh. Josh. He was right, again. I hate when he's right 'cause he'll always say "See I told you so!"....and that makes me hurt even worse. sad Everything was perfect with me and Josh and then stupid Isaac had to happen...I could be talking now to a guy who devoted his ******** world to me, but no...I chose mature, I chose Isaac. Why do I make such bad decisons? ...and I was a good girlfriend to Isaac too...I was struttin my s**t being honest, and not fighting and yelling and s**t and it wasn't enough...I wasn't enough. All my efforts to change and be a better person--a better girlfriend--was for nothing...
I feel so stupid...
Everyone said Isaac was a bad choice but no I had to stick with him in the overly optmistical hope they were all wrong. They had to be wrong, right? He was older, sweeter, and mroe of a gentlemen than everyone else. How could that be wrong? ...it can be so wrong.
I was just...so desperate for a hug or something...just to hear "its ok" because after that I sure as ******** didn't believe anything would be ok. And just like anytime I'm ever found out to be single a flood of people start freaking on me and asking me out and stuff....its like....they were so incompassionate for the kind of pain I was feeling....I hurt so much. Physically, mentally, emotionally...everything. My heart and soul ached so much because of how badly I wanted him to be "the one"...I dont wanna have to look around anymore for love, I just...I just wanna settle down now. I know I'm 17 and your thinkign I dont' mean that...but I this love hurts like hell...I don't want to find another "fish in the sea"...I dont' want to look anymore. I just wanna settle down and be happy with one other person. It jsut seems like I'm just destined to be alone now...
I'm listening to Maroon 5....for some reason, it just sounds like "break up" music. Like what you listen to when your all down and stuff...like the lyrics...
Anyway, my friend Joe asked me out, and so I said yea since I trust him more than I do the others who asked. I dont' think we're really like...going out, though. We're just comforting eachother. The girl he likes has like 8 other boyfriend, but he still loves her and wants her and stuff and wants to wait for her or something; I dunno. So we're both alone, and we both feel betrayed. But its not...like a relationship. Just like closer friends I guess. He acts all weird about it and stuff, so I don't undenrstand his intetions yet.
Joe's silly... xd He's full mexican and he calls himself a "beaner" or "beanie"....I dunno, but he said I'm not allowed to say that word sweatdrop ....he talks to fast, I can never follow the conversations we have cause he's so spontanous its so silly xd He's like hyper me all the time so we're always hyper together. He made me feel alot better yesterday after Isaac dumped me.
He worries about me...alot. sad Itfeels odd to have a guy with so much conern for me...Josh quit caring the way Joe does when I first met Isaac (cause of his suspecsions which were true I now see...)so its been a really long time since a guy has shownn me he really cares like Joe does. He makes me feel so important and so special...he has all the time in the world for me even though he has to work and is taken college classes...Joe's 20, though sweatdrop his birday is 4 dys before mines whee He's so...demanding. Like he tells me what to do and stuff like I'm used to...but its diffrent. Its not like do it or else...but like he's so playful about it that I wanna play back and beat him at this game we're playing with eachother xd its so much fun 3nodding but liek I said, I don't know his intentions yet...
I dont' trust anyone anymoer. Joe's being all nice and sweet to me and stuff and I cant' even return his kindness because after these seemingly endless bad relationships I get in...I just...dont' want him to be another bad one. sad Because even when things seem good like they'll last this Isaac s**t just goes to show it will just get bad...I mean...its not like I think Joe will hurt me like others have, I'm just to scared to take reckless chances anymore. sad
Why did I decide to go out with Joe? Because...it makes the Isaac pain go away. I didn't want anotehr boyfriend...but he kept asking, like he wouldnt' give up or anything...like he really wanted me, and I miss feeling wanted. He talks so fast though... xd it makes me laugh becayse he'll confuse himself so its just silly as hell xd ...so pretty much, I still have lingering feelings for Isaac, and I hope being Joe's will make them go away.
Why? ...because, Isaac doesn't want me to love him anymore. Isaac wants me to die and fade away so I dont' exist to him anymore and he can move on with his life and his Xbox...it...it will make him happy, if I just fade away. I dont' want to do this, please ******** understand this is the last thign I want to do...but he thinks I'm dependant on him, and I'm not dependant on any person...he wants me to be...oh s**t. I just realized something...
Independant. When I first met Isaac thats what he said! He said I was independant and he liked that!!! And what did I do? I started to need and crave his attention and words and stuff and so noooooooow he doesnt' like me! When I was with Josh back before any of this started Isaac said he liked how I didnt' care what Josh said about me hanging with him! Wow...so is that what this is about?
Hmm...
I should become independant again, I bet he'd want me again blaugh ...hell no, now I'm just being stupid and cocky and optimistic....::sigh:: There has to be other stuff he likes about me, its not "independance", but I bet it contributes. That confuses me, now that I think about it. Like I'd flirt with Isaac and stuff and that made me "independant". So then, does that mean he wanted me to flirt with someone else while I was his? O_o ....my god are boys confusing sweatdrop
He doesn't even know what he wants -_-
Anyway, if Isaac don't message me back today I'm hanging that all into the closet and I'ma try to persue a new relationship with someone. I'ma lose all hope in him.
... sweatdrop cause like I said, I dun think Joe really likes me all like that. Like he'll say it and stuff but I can't tell when he's being serious or not >.> He's to playful to know XD I gotta see if he knows spanish...tee hee heart we'll be good friends if he does. 4laugh I don't think he does, though xd
His parents are mad at him 'cause he's suppose to be taking 12 classes in college and he's only taking 2. xp They need him to take the classes so they can have lower car insurance. Isn't that messed up?! I hate his parent' theyr'e so mean....and stick and ebil to him! They didnt' even let him go to prom 'cause they didnt' trust the area where prom was held stare Stupidness; he even had this "hawt sweet ******** girl" as he put it xd , to go with him and he had to turn her down and everything sad
Anyway, his parents dont want him to take the classes to be smarter, they just want cheaper insurance...::sigh:: So mean....
I told Skilled I had a crush on him last night, 3nodding I told him the entire story behind it...and he got quiet again... sweatdrop I mean, like I wasnt' expect him to say "OMFG i LVoE U 2 !!!!1111111eleven111!!! lET''S GEW oUT!!!1111!!!" xd ...but his silence scared me o.o. Skilled is silly though whee I hope he doesn't start ignoring me and stuff in guild chat now >.> the purpous of telling him that wasnt' to freak him out, just so he knew why I acted odd sometimes around him. 3nodding
anywayz~! I have lots of homework to do, so I better get crackin wink
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