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...just for the sole purpose that someone, anyone might stumble upon these entries. I write here what I don't have the courage or will to say elsewhere, this is where I vent, where I share myself. I do it so that there is privacy, yet also a sense of openness. I want people to read. I want people to know what I have to say, what I can't say elsewhere. This is how I feel, I want people to know, I want so badly for anyone to know, but all I feel is loneliness. All I feel is that sinking feeling that tells me no one cares. It tells me no one can know, it tells me who I really am doesn't matter, all that matters is how people perceive me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an attention whore, yet I do crave the knowledge that someone cares. I hide myself to lessen the attention others give to me. I hide myself so that I maintain a sense of normalcy about me. I hide myself from my friends, my family, my coworkers, everyone I know, just to fit in; just to feel their warped version of approval. Why do I want people to approve of me so bad, what's the point in living if it's not my life. What's the point in living if I can't live how I like? Why must people hate who I am just because someone else told them to, why can I not live who I am and still be loved? I crave intimacy with another individual just so they know who I am, just so they can be the one person who truly knows me. It seems like such a far off perversion of reality. I detach myself from everyone, treat everyone with the same ammount of familiarity, which is next to none. I tell people only part of me, but anything beyond that is secret. No one knows, no one can know. I'm so foreign to people because I don't want to hurt people, not like people have hurt me. I'm distant because I know how people will treat me if I'm not. I hate myself. I loath every ounce of my being. The tears I shed are tears of disappointment. Disappointment in myself. Disappointment in my life. Who I am, what I can't do, what I don't do. Everything I've molded my life for seems pointless. I'm not good enough. I'll never be good enough. I try. I've tried for so long. I've worked so hard, for nothing. Not even a sense of self-satisfaction. I keep hating myself. Sinking deeper into my own mind, in my own thoughts. Dreaming of a better life, of a life I can live how I want with who I want doing what I want. I'm just not good enough to do what I want, I can't live how I want and the person I want to live with the most doesn't care. Loneliness, loathing, disappointment. Those are my chains, I can't get free.
help me get free
 haruki_jitsunin · Fri Mar 14, 2008 @ 09:46am · 1 Comments |
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