At some point in time I need to figure out why I am like I am. I always wonder if I was emotionally disturbed from the beginning of my life or if I became that way later, and if so, when later? I certainly wouldn't blame my insecurities and instabilies on anyone, but I think I need to find out where it all started. So, let's go back . . .
I was born in Wausau, Wisconsin. I don't remember Wisconsin from my early childhood, although I can semi-recall sitting in a front yard watching people load a moving truck. I don't remember the truck or anything about it except that I must have sat on an ant hill because I was jumping and trying to get the ants off me and I remember getting into trouble for being so distracting.
From Wisconsin we moved to North Dakota. We stayed there from whenever we moved there (pre-school) until I'd finished 3rd grade. Things that I remember from that time are 1) we lived in a duplex; 2) there was a cemetary across the street from the front of our house and from my bedroom window I could see the area where the babies and children were buried; 3) there was a little boy, well my age, who lived next door and he was deaf; 4) I ran away from home for the first time but the person I was going with wasn't allowed to cross the street so as soon as we reached the corner we had to turn around and go back; 5) my parents never knew that I wanted to run away or be buried across the street with the other kids; and 6) I'd always go home to an empty house.
There are a few other things that have just recently come back to my memory as I've been searching for memories. My mother worked across the river, which put her in Minnesota for work, but in North Dakota for home. My father and mother had an arguement one day, during the winter, and my mother ended up getting out of the car to walk home through slush and snow and on the road because the sidewalk hadn't been plowed or shoveled. She walked the whole way home and continued the arguement. My dad completely ignored her from the moment she got out of the car.
One of the first times I tried to walk home from school alone -- I don't know why my sister wasn't going home with me or why I was going home alone as I believe she was supposed to be there for me -- I ended up across the highway from our house. I was scared to death but knew that if I ever told my parents I'd be in trouble. There's no way they'd have tried to show me how to get home but just tell me how stupid I was and I deserved to get run over or kidnapped. Mostly I just have those feelings, but remember just a flash of memory about being on the other side of the road.
Well, my husband has noticed I'm scowling and I don't want to scare him, so I'd better go ahead and close for the time being. Maybe I'll go back and chat on the forums and try to earn a little Gaian Gold.
Mittxe Community Member 
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