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I want to be a mortician, and I was always under the impression that to become a mortician, I would need to get a Bachelor’s degree, and then go through the mortuary program to become a mortician. So my plan was to go to the college I’m already enrolled in, and once I got a Bachelor’s degree from there, I would enroll in a different college that has a mortuary program. Well, I was doing some research about what I need to be majoring in, and I found out that the mortuary program is a Bachelor’s degree program, and least the way I understand it. Does this mean I could have just potentially screwed my education plan up a bit? Technically, I could have just gone to the college with the mortuary program, and skipped the college I’m enrolled in altogether. So hopefully I can stay at my current college for like two years, and then transfer. Hopefully all my credits transfer correctly, and I don’t end up spending more time and money than I needed to if I had just got my Bachelor’s through the mortuary program in the first place. All this college s**t is so confusing and ridiculous. Hell, I might only be able to stay at my current college for a year. This might be ok, but if I actually like it there, then that’s going to suck. Plus, I will have spent all this school year adjusting to this school, and college life in general, just to have to go somewhere new the next year and readjust. Plus, I’d have to do the whole dorm thing, which I didn’t want to have to do.

This new uncertainty has really got me freaked out. I was actually pretty calm about the whole college subject, at least for the time being, but I’m starting to feel panicky about it again. And not just about what my academic plan needs to be, but about pretty much everything. This has raised all of my questions and fears all over again. What if I don’t really even want to be a mortician? What if I get a degree in it and I hate it? That means I’d have to go to school all over again for something else. I know I need to start working at a funeral home so I can get some experience and see if I like it, but that creates a whole new set of problems. I need to start working now so that if I don’t like it, there’s not too much harm done because I haven’t started the program yet, and I can probably stick with the school I’m already enrolled in and do something else. But I really didn’t want to work my first year. I don’t know if I’d really have time, or if I did, it would definitely use up 99% of my off campus time. If I was going to work, I would probably look for something on campus, but that doesn’t help me in this situation. So even if I did get a job at a funeral home and still had time to do all my work and get decent grades, there goes all my free time, meaning any time I wanted to be spending at a club. One thing I was looking forward to was finding a club I enjoyed and being active in that. I figured that’s probably my best chance to meet some friends too. But then again, who knows if I’d meet any good friends anyway? I mean, the odds are stacked against me. There are going to be so many other people that are 100 times more likeable than me. Plus, most other people probably already have at least one really close friend, so it’s not like I’m going to become anyone’s #1 BFF. They probably have good friends from high school that haven’t left them feeling like they don’t care if they never see them again. Plus, I think I might be naïve to even think I can make a lasting friendship through college anyways. At best, I’ll only be seeing this person for a few years. Then, at least after we’re graduated, we’ll be doing separate things. Who knows where either of us will end up? I might meet someone I really like, but then they move across the country. Sure, I would still be able to talk to them, but I would probably never see them again. I want a friendship that lasts through the years, and that we still get together even when we’re old. College might be my last chance to find a friend like that, because once I’m out of college, my chances for building a close relationship with anybody will diminish. But I don’t even know if I can find that now. My chance might have already passed. I just don’t know what to think. I thought being in a club might also help me meet a boy with the same interests as me who I liked. But who am I kidding here either? If I have a hard enough time just making friends, how am I going to be able to build a good relationship like that? Plus, there are going to be so many other people to choose from. I don’t think there’s a way this can turn out where I’ll be completely happy. If I work, then I’m not happy because I’m not getting to do the social things I wanted to do. If I don’t work, then I’m missing out on the experience I need to see if I even want to be a mortician. Life sucks.