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It's about 4 in the morning, and the apartment is dark and silent. I can hear Rupert breathing in the other room, that's how quiet it is, and the moon is making shadows on the floor so I can see other than the light of the computer screen. I'm cold, because all I'm wearing at the moment is Rupert's robe that I grabbed off the back of a chair.

I'm up because Rupert and I turned in a bit early last night... far earlier than normal. We didn't mean to, it was my fault... Rupert asked if I wanted to go out, and it took me by surprise, because Rupert and I haven't "Gone out" in ages. We're either too tired, too worried about Mitchell showing up at the worst possible times, or haven't seen eachother in long enough time taht all we want to do is sit in eachother' prescence. But last night... erm, tonight, I was too tired to go out right away, was going to take a nap, just wanted Rupert to be near me. so he lay down with me and we talked (always so nice), and then I don't know what came over me. I was just so...overwhelmed by having him there, being wrapped in his arms... and suddenly all the stress and depression of the past few weeks just kind of... took over and I *ahem*... attacked him is really a good way to put it.

Now I'm the first to admit that I am very... very inexperienced. Rupert is not only my first real, serious relationship (well, extremely serious... I've never exactly promised myself to anyone before either), but my first...erm... phsyical one, on this kind of level anyway. We did it once, but Mitchell... reacted so badly that I think both of us were too terrified to try again in fear of what would happen if we did.... Honstely, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been missing such close phsyical contact almost more than anything, missed having Rupert love me that way. Also, I'm the first to admit that I'm not usually the one to take initiative like that, but I definitely...instigated things last night, whether or not that was the way it ended by the end of the night (heh. Really, what do you think? Me take Rupert? *snicker*). And I won't go into sordid details, even in my journal, because I'm such a child sometimes that I can do things and then get all embarrassed about them later... but it was private, something just between the two of us, perfect, mind-boggling... And wonderful... and... just...wonderful. It's times like these, sitting in the dark, feeling Rupert's prescense but not even having to be next to him, after sharing something like that... that I could never leave him or give up on this relationship, no matter what the strain is on him, or me. I love him too damn much... I love him so much it ******** scares me.

I think I'm going to climb back into bed and under the covers, as it's freezing in the room (stupid weather changes), and go to sleep for a loooong time.