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wow... um. wow. My head hurts like I don't think it's ever hurt before... pounding, even behind my eyes. I also feel like I'm going to absolutely barf. Is this really why people drink? Granted, I've never really had more than one drink before... EVER. yes, laugh all you want, I'm a prude. But apparently getting depressed and going binge-drinking when you apparently have NO tolerance whatsoever is noooot a good idea. heh.

It kind of just happened, though. Usually I would show a lot better judgement than that, or at least I would hope. I've been told weight and hieght (both of which I am extremely lacking in) plays a factor, and also the act that I don' think I've had anything but fun girly drinks. Vodka, apparently, is very, very, very different. *dies* And a double shot of rum... was that what Caden said it was? And Lots of Vodka, in case I didn't mention that already....

It just kind of happened. I came into the fest on a whim, and I very obviously had missed something important. The fest seemed to have cleared out just before I arrived, and the people that remained were in bad shape. Souji, who I've met before here and there on occassion, but have never been more than very iffy acqaintances, looked like he needed some serious attention. So I gave it to him, and I think he really, really needed someone right then. After a bit of comforting, he decided to bust out a bottle of vodka. My original concern was keeping him from drinking too much, and seeing him home safely if need be... oh how wrong I was.

Thing is, Dairoshi showed was at the fest. It... was the first time I'd seen him since our fight. He hasn't changed back to himself... in fact, if anything, he was worse. Not threatening to kill me this time, but it was really awful. The problem with these fights with Dairoshi is, becase we used to be so close, he knows exactly what buttons to press, exactly what to say to completely break me. He was really cruel... mercilessly so. I try to remind myself everytime that this isn't Dairoshi... but it is. And he's not going to return to the guy who was my best friend anytime soon, if ever. I can't help it getting to me, it hurts. The things he said last night were awful, I nearly snapped completely except he left pretty quickly. I'm just glad there were very few people around to see it. I'm afraid that if Dairoshi keeps reeling me in, I'm going to break, and I'm not sure I could stand getting kicked out of the fest... I've come to really care about some of those people, and the place itself is kind of an escape, from Mitchell, from school, from Dairoshi. Except that I know I can't just hope to avoid Dairoshi. Confrontations are going to happen. He was right, the fest is a public place, I can't stop him from coming or going. I just wish he'd leave me alone so I could start getting OVER the pain, but instead he just keeps bringing it up again. In fact... I think he enjoys it.

Anyway, after he left, i just kind of... had a melt down. Which I do too often these days, and Dr. Clayton will NOT be pleased to learn about another one. Luckily, Souji was there. I kind of just completely snapped and started drinking with him. shots, more shots. Out of the BOTTLE, at one point. And let me tell you, it was good. Especially having Souji there with me, even if we weren't comforting eachother anymore. Just his presence was nice.

Of course, even nice things don't last... I seem to get mixed up with teh WRONG kind of people, has anyone ever noticed that? Why doesn't someone stop me when I shameleslly throw my friendship, unwanted or not, in every person's face possible? I'm needy, but look where it's gotten me? Souji had some huuuge confrontation with his... brother? I don't know, except that I do know Souji nearly saved my life at least once. I was a little too drunk to remember the rest, except that it wasn't my fright, and god knows I can't protect myself sober much less help Souji. But afterwards, Souji seemed to have sobered up (how did he do that so fast?), and helped me home, completely smashed, where I crashed immediately. And am now suffering from my baaaad decision that alcohol cures all.

heh. I think I'm still a little tipsy from last night, is that even possible? I think I'm going to lie down... or throw up a few times and THEN lie down. urk. no more vodka for me for a loooong time. wink