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No pink again...

I just can't get myself to grab it...::sigh::

I beginning to realize the orginal intention Josh had for me. I should of realized it sooner...I'm way to ******** trusting of people...

There is this girl that he likes...liked her forever and whatever and did alot of stupid stuff for the sake of her. She had a boyfriend, though, so Josh couldn't have her. ::sigh:: He told me many of the things he did to manipulate the girl, like always bein around when her and her boyfriend argued so he could take advantage of her; just like blankly saying that to me. I thought that was shallow, but I mean he was my guy so what the hell did I care? I never heard any nice things about her anyway, and whenever he talked about her he always said mean things.

He said he hated her, so when he told me they talked and whatever in school I just...didnt' think anything more about it. Well, she and her boyfriend broke up a few days ago. She went to Josh saying how she loved Josh and all this other s**t...Typical teenage girl stuff, ya know? I mean you and your bf seperate so you run to another guy for some comfort. A guy you know likes you and stuff.::sigh:: Wow...look at this? A few days after that Josh breaks up with me. Coincidence? I think not...

Josh always said to me how he didn't want me to "******** with his head". In the end it seems he did to me what he so dearly hated...

I wondered all day if he was at her heels in school. Kissin up to her, suckin up to her, all those bad, bad things. Unlike my past relationships, Josh broke up with me...I had no time to mentally prepare myself for this, no time to get over him or evalute who he was to me. It just happened...unexpectedly because he thought I was cheating on him...I wonder what it takes to earn a persons respect and trust...I trusted him with all my heart, I was honestly ******** inlove with him and wow...look where that got me? I'm so ******** depressed its pathetic, I've cried everyday over and over again because I have never felt such heartbreak before...Josh wasn't like other guys I dated...I felt so intune with him, I felt wanted, loved, accepted and then as soon as that two-bit slut breaks from her guy I am disposed of like cheap trash...Geez this really boosts my personal value...

I feel like a pawn, a toy to yet another guy....why am I so easy? Why do people seem to ******** delight in taking advantage of me?

I keep saying "was" in referance to him. "Was" my a**...I still love him which is why there is so much hurt...I don't want to be ******** toyed with, just move on and let me suffer and get over this s**t damn it.

Its like...when he broke up with me my heart broke into thousands of little peices...my friends are all trying to help me put the peices back together. I just...gotta say thanks here.

Thank you Kevin for still bein my friend after all teh s**t we went through, thanks for havin my back and being there for me to talk to and not giving up on our friendship despite how neglectful I have been to you.

Thankies Tenshi for cheerin me up when I was down and actually showin concern for me. I owe you big time, sis~! Tell me how I can ever repay you for bein so supportive to me ToT

Thankies to Isaac for letting me cry on you. Your one hell of a person bro, and I'm happy I got the chance to meet you. Also thanks for not manipulating me in the horrible ways Josh told me a guy would... sweatdrop

::sigh:: I feel a tad-bit better now. I still am confused on what to do regarding Josh...I still care so much about him but...:;sigh:: I dunno...we haven't really talked since he broke up with me so I am taking it as he hates me...he can hate me all he wants, just tell me so I can get over it. My friend Myles in school tells me all these stories about his crazy ex-girlfriend and I don't wanna be like her at all. I just...I mean, even though he hurt me for the most stupid reason, I still love him...laugh and point and call me names but that is honestly how I feel.

Hmm....I have a friend named Nick who I talk to on YIM and he thinks I am ignoring him and don't like him xp If your reading here, please dont' take it like that! The past few days have been hellish for me and I'm avoiding talking to just about everyone now...

Its like I wanna just go back into my little shell andn hold out aganist the world alone. I thought what I had with Josh was real, but this just goes once again to show me all I have is me. I can't trust or rely or depend on anyone but myself...people are so ******** up....

Oy...Kevin thinks I am toying with him. I had to talk it out to him, he's been holding out and waiting on me and he thinks just....I dunno, I feel so badly. As I recall i said we could try again in the summer but apparently his little heart just can't hold out. He was mean and abd to me, I will admit...but I wasn't some Mary Poppins either. sweatdrop I was such a b***h to him 'cause I'm so sadistic sometimes...I dont' know why he would want me, I'm so undesirable and commanding and other bad s**t. He likes a prettty lil asain girly named Kelly, now...and that boy who lives across teh street from him 3nodding I want him to go out and find all sorts of wonderful love and I really hope he does that. whee

My lit teacher gave me back my book and said she loved it. Yea, I wrote a book as the finals exam in my advanced lit class. I <3 my book. whee My teach said it was uber good and she lurved it lots and wrote nifty lil comments in it heart heart

RPG...man, I have this friend named Shatue who I used to RP with back when I was like 12 (17 now for you illinformed out there wink ). She said she wanted to RP again but like... sweatdrop she's so busy now crying

Oh, RO is goin great for me besides Josh wreaking my world. stare

Sephy... sweatdrop I remember once I was talking to him on MSN and he put up his away message outta nowhere. He didnt' go away, though, sweatdrop there was someone online he didn't wanna talk to and so he was putting it up so they wouldnt' message him. I really ******** hope he doesn't do that when I get online. I'm not even stressed over his a** anymore, sweatdrop I don't ever bother to PM him or anything (I try not to, I won't anymore now for fears of driving him away more than I already have)....I dunno, just like a fear I have of him feeling like that about me as bein irritatin or something.

Slasher, ha~! whee I got to talk to him! It was teh uber fun~ heart

Onii-san...::sigh:: Chris seems busy recently. Really, really busy. Call me stupid.... sweatdrop but I wish so bad I could be there and help him out so he could have more freetime for himself. Bleh...I don't even know if its about freetime, though. He might have al the freetime in the world and I wouldnt' even know it 'cause he's not open crying

... sweatdrop Wow, I feel alot better now. whee I'm sure my sad depressed Josh feelings will come back so I'ma ride this happy as long as I can.

Tee hee~ whee as long as Isaac calls me again my happy shouldn't go away. 3nodding He's never down or depressed, which is why I hang with him so much. I mean...if it wasn't for him I'd be back down into hurting myself again. I don't want that, 3nodding

::sigh:: I have to get going now. On RO I'm married to Josh and he told me to divorse him so...yea...::sigh:: I have to go to the city of Niffelm to make our divorse final so he can have that slut girl and I can...::sigh:: die a slow and painful death....

Ok. Ok. Ok....gotta stay postive. Heh, I bet my journal is odd to read. xd I type stuff out as I think it in my head. Bai bai now! Niff is ******** hard to get to and I gotta get my a** into gear now gonk